Sweet bitterness

[Nadosa]

Allowing everything to be as it is, that's the way how I survive everyday.

 

What was experienced, wasn't something of the normal kind. The experience, that something is missing in me and slowly and steadily got lost more and more over the past years isn't something I made up. That's what was and still is experienced. I dont know who I am and who I was back then, who it is that is writing this post, compared to the one that wrote a post 4 years ago, when everything started.

 

There is a feeling of confusion and fear. The experience of not knowing and not being able to identify with the one who started here posting about a feeling of "dying" - is crippling. The feeling of wanting to identify the one again is not really pleasant either, because the one is dead, it tends to create a panic, it feels discordant, as if a part of my soul just stopped existing. Then there is the feeling of it playing all just in thoughts vs it being a "real"  "memory-time-experience". It makes me feel like a fool. But it is whatever smth that was experienced.

 

People ask how I am, what do I feel like - I could never answer the question the same as before the awakening. Just a crippling wave of confusion, of a bittersweet sense of loss. There is no sense of I anymore, and if, then I just pretend to be "I", knowing inside everything looks torn and wild. There is no stable ground. Maybe I have lost a part of my soul, maybe I am doomed, maybe there is a demon playing shit games inside of me, but it is what it is, and everyone has to struggle with their own minds. I know Ive been at war with myself for 4 years, I can go crazy if I want, I can relax if I want to, I have the power to just go insane and not feel good. And having the sense to be able to go down that road drives me mad too.  I feel like a misfit. I can endure enormous states of suffering because I know the impermanence of it. Its crippling, I hate knowing that. I prefer not having to experience that at all. 

I desperately try to find a common ground with other people and reframing for my current condition. I try to reframe it as "its just all in thoughts" just to kinda get connected to my Friends and Family at least for a bit. Meditation is a life raft for me. I see no light yet, just being in the midst of a storm and ducking seems to give me a sense of relief. 

However I am myself tired of ranting. Its been the same for 4 years and no amount of letting go and meditation can shed a light on it. I always end up as "Me" being doomed.

As much as I appreciate every single help, I always find myself getting back into "something is missing". Or maybe im just tricking myself here. I just wish I could do stuff people do in my age, they go drinking, partying, live their lives, whereas my mind is just spinning thoughts around who I am as soon as I wake up. Feeling like I die to a new self everyday, perceptions shifting in all directions, sense of self is not located in the body but somewhere in space whereas thoughts just are that making me feel like everything I write is a bluff anyways. 

Then I try to go back to normal, but its a point of no return. Trying to look at my past self, I wouldnt tell him everything would be fine, because he just ends up being more confused than 4 years ago. 

Still hope tho. Got some books ahead. Course in miracles.

 

 

Edited December 18, 2021 by Nadosa

[Nahm]

Hate it?  These ups & downs? 

[Nadosa]

Yes.