Slowly starting wondering if these mood swings are mental illness based

[Nadosa]

For two months Ive been on intense mood swings. I dont feel like stable at all. I go from infinite flow states, to infinite terror, but there is nothing stable inbetween. I sometimes fear having thoughts about myself, because I dont know what I am. I just try to accept everything happening, I dont know how to describe. I am pretty stable when people are around me. For some time I had an intense urge just to sit by myself. Then there were thoughts that made me quite delusional. Then I figured they were delusional. And now I am here and my body is between shaking, depersonalizing and restlessness. Ive not known what "normal" is for two months now. I just never got checked by a doc before. But Im slowly starting to see that maybe mentally smth is not quite right.

[Preety_India]

Mood swings can even be temporary. They could be related to your circumstances. 

Not everything is mental illness. 

 

[Nadosa]

I Just meditated and I felt like every thought was just not true. Suddenly I felt like who the hell am I, because I believed every thought is about "me", and I started like having intense fear. I dont know these times are tough.

[Preety_India]

@Nadosa this happens a lot. Don't be too worried about it. Be ready for complex experiences. 

 

[Nadosa]

I Just wish i knew what is happening. This entire process is soo intense.

Edited December 18, 2021 by Nadosa

[Cathal]

just keep letting go, surrender to whatever is arising in your consciousness but stay firm and rooted in that you are consciousness and everything is arising within you - it is not you - no matter how vile and painful it is, letting go means doing nothing but let it be and it will go on its way

[Nadosa]

Sometimes the little me comes on, and it says "I died, why am I still alive", which leaves me utterly confused, last time nearly psychotic, I transcended it tho. Now I know what I am. But the more time passes (in the paradigm of time passage and a person in time), the more the little me gets confused about it. I know this is all just the mind spinning around what was experienced. But what was experienced was actual. Because i cant sometimes explain what i feel.

 

Other than: a part of me died and in the Paradigm of old thinking and believing there is a thinker, this "part" feels like "me". Which makes letting go so much harder as soon as I am not occupied entirely (for example when I was with my ex girlfriend or my passions etc).

Edited December 18, 2021 by Nadosa

[Cathal]

i think ur dancing to much with a more subtle version of the 'i' you are identified with, only another ego thinks it transcended itself - building a new sense of itself out of the experiences, that they are somehow better or more spiritual than before

[kag101]

hello! 

first of all, congrats for questioning whether what you're feeling is mental illness or not.

i fell into the trap for years to "spiritualize" my mental breakdowns. that was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. it ends up being a rabbit hole. i thought all that madness was part of my awakening process -- nothing could be farther from the truth!

i've been going to a great psychologist and psychiatrist over the past two years, and now i have something that no cathartic spiritual experience would give me: stability. without that, it is impossible to build anything in life.

i hate the feeling of not knowing whether i will wake up the next day on cloud 9 or in hell.

19 hours ago, Nadosa said:

Ive not known what "normal" is for two months now. I just never got checked by a doc before.

from what you're describing, it does look like bipolar disorder. have you ever had those types of mood swings before? has anything happened in the past two months that might have triggered what you're feeling?

i think it would be positive to get checked by a doctor. try doing some research to find a good one. would you feel okay taking medication (at least for a while)?

even if you don't go there, my two cents would be to at least take a break from spiritual practices and stay close to people you like.

 

good luck! ???? if you want, feel free to PM me. i'd really like for you to keep me posted. i really hope you feel better soon!! i know how scary wild mood swings can feel.

[Nadosa]

Nah its just smth I cant really explain. It is either like I am totally at peace or I am totally in question about everything. I dont know WHO I am, I just know I am. Sometimes thats what keeps me living. It is not smth that can be explained logically to a specialist. Because when I try, all I come up with is a story that is not about me anyways.

[flowboy]

@Nadosa  If you went to a psych with this, they would label you and medicate you. But they label and medicate anything that is out of the ordinary.

The question is, does it help you to internalize the belief that something is wrong with you?

Are you okay, or do you need help?

If the answer to that is yes, do you want to go the spiritual route or the psychiatric route?

Only you can answer these questions.

Edited December 19, 2021 by flowboy

[Yarco]

"I don't feel stable"
"Delusional"
"Depersonalizing"

These are very strong words to use to describe yourself. I'd recommend seeing your family doctor. Maybe you're just experiencing added stress and mental distress from lockdown that you're able to handle, or maybe they will suggest you should see a therapist or counsellor. 

If it was me and I thought I was becoming delusional, I would want to get checked by a doctor while I still have some grip on reality. Right now your symptoms might be easily manageable or fixable. But if things get worse, you might no longer be in a position to even ask for help.

[Loba]

I would see someone to start with, and that's perfectly oaky, a lot of times this happens on the spiritual journey for people and getting a second or third opinion and some support couldn't hurt.

@Yarco I agree with this person's advice, and would also get a check up just to make sure you are well - like bloodwork and stuff.  Sometimes there can be a physical component.  

Was there a stressor that you can think of that caused this or did it just turn up over time?  Get a list of some questions for your doctor down along with your symptoms and how long they have been going on, and the effect they are having on your life.  Do you have family you can turn to for support as well?