The CONSCIOUS guy (real life dream man) pull away..Help needed please

[ertopolice]

Hi!

Well...help needed regarding this situation please

In my last thread I mentioned I got to come across a guy via social network who is exactly (and i mean exactly..no jokes, we both are SO astonished about this coincidence) as my ideal man or nearly. Meet all my basic criteria about consciousness, intelectual value, fitness, career goals, philosophy, politics...but also secondly things such as hobbies and lifestyle. Come on it was JUST TOO PERFECT as if I'created it..

We've been texting for aprox2 months everyday (texts, audios, sharing our views about the world, books...trainning, music, pics..and so on). 

We  talked about setting a date and he agreed to come and meet me in here as a 1st date. He is totally focused on a new career goal and he is working full time but also studying and training.

Ok so last week after one of our usual audio exchanges, I told him to finally fix a dat these days. 

He did not respond. He finally responded 3 days later with an audio stating he is so disgusted about my opinion about some topic we talked about in the audios, and that his situation changed. That he DOES NOT WANT to put his attention on anything else than himself at the moment, that that may  sound aggressive but that he appreciates sincerity and that's his actual situation. He does not propose another date or anything

WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT SHOULD I DO ABOUT THIS UNEXPECTED TURN OF EVENTS WITH HIM?

Should i expect a text some day or forgot about him? come on we had that chemistry even texting and sharing the very same core values about life was so damm HOT!

Please I appreciate your help. He is a man of strong values and principles. We think exactly the same. I understand he is focused on his stuff but come on...

 

THANKS!

[aurum]

18 hours ago, ertopolice said:

he is so disgusted about my opinion about some topic we talked about in the audios, and that his situation changed.

What did you possibly say?

You’d have to say something pretty serious for most guys to drop a date like that. If you don’t want to tell that’s fine, but it sounds bad to me.

Or he is bullshitting and has another reason for canceling besides whatever you said.

Either way, it’s a lot of pressure you’re putting on a first date. You’ve never met in person and you’re already feeling like he is your dream guy. In my experience, putting that much pressure on in the early stages of dating rarely leads to anything but frustration.

[ertopolice]

@aurum Yes, i cared try not to put him on a pedestal but seems we matched almost most fundamental values and principles.

Well, he claimed to be a very "high standard" guy so well..i appreciate that sincerity but hey, perhaps it's way too arrogant from him.

Nonetheless i gave him a chance

 

The last thing i shared was a pic of me (full dressed in winter clothes, smiling, natural look..) should be ok, and some audio with which he really end up disappointed about the topic. I gave him my opinion about physique in relationships. He puts SO MUCH stress on appearance and claims he has been lied by girls in their pics (he expected a 8 lets say and when he dated them he came up with 5 for example). I told him that in my personal opinion being so picky about physiques could led to harm to some weak women. He knows  i am an usual gym goer, sport addict and have seen my overall physique...so i hide nothing. 

He got very disappointed about my view and about "how society is meant to behave not to damage other ppl.." 

He said perhaps it was not the best moment for our first date these days (he did not propose al alternative date) and that he appreciated being honest and that he wants to prioritize himself atm and not to think in anything else but himself. 

 

I do not understand a thing.

[ertopolice]

@aurum i thought it was the common excuse because he had other options nearby

[somegirl]

He does not sound like a high value guy at all. Just by the fact that he said himself that he's a high value guy, is a red flag. 

And his "disgusted" and "disappointing" reaction after you told him your view on that particular topic, is not justified. You didn't tell him such a bad thing. It seems like he just found an excuse.

High value guys don't behave that way. You have an open pleasant conversations with high value guys. 

Maybe you put too much hope into this one guy. Have an abundance mindset, not scarcity one. There are tons of good guys, he is not the only one you will ever like. 

A guy who is not absolutely excited to see you again and offer second date, is not the one for you. You deserve someone who will absolutely cherish you.

Edited December 19, 2021 by somegirl

[ertopolice]

@somegirl totally agree with you view on this

it shocked me because we were like minded in some many principles and values..and after sending him another pic of me (plus the audio mentioned) he stop messaging and then responded with this

i have confidence in myself and in my physique in face to face/ real connections..so i wonder what could have happened (perhaps my picture, my audio..don't no) do not wanna obsess about it but i'd like to find some mistake if my approach.

Btw i am an independiente woman. I got a job and own my own place. Take care of myself physically and mentally (plus i am into this actualization world..) Come on..he still lives at mom's placement!!! 

[somegirl]

Oh... See, be aware of the guys who just talk and are good with words, but their life is total opposite of what they say. 

May I know how old are you and how old is he? 

[ertopolice]

@somegirl That is also a fact, yes! hi studied very well the books and techniques..

im 33 and he is 35

[somegirl]

@ertopolice You're fine, you seem nice and smart, I don't think you'll have a problem to find someone who will love you just as much as you love them. Just enjoy life and let it flow the way it's supposed to, enjoy every moment and the right person will come. Don't get caught up on one lost opportunity, because there are so many that awaits you. 

Edited December 19, 2021 by somegirl

[ertopolice]

@somegirl Many thanks for your help!

Well, seems i've been out of this dating thing for some time and need to re-engage in it..but this time i almost thought i've found the one with this guy

[flowboy]

My advice is to judge guys by their behavior, in real interactions with them.

Women usually don't get attracted when you go up and tell them how cool you are. This is for a good reason - anyone can say that.

By extension, any loser can make a cool profile.

Let him prove to you that he is really that great.

Edited December 19, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

5 hours ago, ertopolice said:

The last thing i shared was a pic of me (full dressed in winter clothes, smiling, natural look..) should be ok, and some audio with which he really end up disappointed about the topic. I gave him my opinion about physique in relationships. He puts SO MUCH stress on appearance and claims he has been lied by girls in their pics (he expected a 8 lets say and when he dated them he came up with 5 for example). I told him that in my personal opinion being so picky about physiques could led to harm to some weak women. He knows  i am an usual gym goer, sport addict and have seen my overall physique...so i hide nothing. 

He got very disappointed about my view and about "how society is meant to behave not to damage other ppl.." 

He said perhaps it was not the best moment for our first date these days (he did not propose al alternative date) and that he appreciated being honest and that he wants to prioritize himself atm and not to think in anything else but himself. 

 

I do not understand a thing.

Sounds like he has a superficial streak, maybe even a bit of narcissism.

Anyone can make themselves look good on social media.

You fell prey to good marketing. Good marketing does not mean good product.

 

I hope I don't sound mean. It's happened many times to me, that I pictured and fantasized too much about someone before interacting with them, and was disappointed, or even that that fantasy made me too desperate and blinded me to discern properly.

It's also possible that this guy is mostly alright (although I'm not a fan of his attitude about looks), but you approached him from this place of already having decided that he was perfect for you - this can rub people the wrong way. It can come across like you were trying to put him into the box that you needed him to fit into, for your fantasy to be true. People don't like to be put in boxes - they like it when you get to know them as a person, without preconceived notions.

 

@ertopolice Do you have girl friends who have great taste in guys, and are able to attract the right ones? What kind of example did your mother set for you in that regard?

My intuition says you could use some female guidance to model healthy female dating behavior after.

Edited December 19, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

5 hours ago, ertopolice said:

He puts SO MUCH stress on appearance and claims he has been lied by girls in their pics (he expected a 8 lets say and when he dated them he came up with 5 for example).

Such a conscious man indeed...

[ertopolice]

@flowboy Many thanks for your response! 

Well, seems he is super focused in achieving some career goals and claims to be SO PICKY nowadays reading relationships in general. Regarding romantic relationships he said he wants her to be intelligent, good looking, that cares about her health and physique..Honestly that's not something i lack of. In fact he confessed i met all his criteria for a long term relationship..

Yes, i feared to have suggestioned myself a bit about this "perfect" match, but not. The only thing i see as a red flags this "ego/narcissistic" thing of wanting it all from females. Come on...he is not that perfect.

And yes! i wanted (both really) to meet in person and see how it goes, how the energy flows and everything. He seems to care a lot about communication, the way you write and talk..misses no detail in every audio, interaction we've got. That's what o do not understand this sudden change from him. We agreed dating with no pressure but now i wonder if he will ever set another date or if there's something i did not right.

 

My mother is a toxic one...so no hep from there.

My friends know of my (also) high standard regarding my wish to meet someone who is both into caring of his mind and physique...so whenever i told them to have find someone like this they approve..but never it's been like this time.

[ertopolice]

8 minutes ago, flowboy said:

Such a conscious man indeed...

Yes. If it should be the whole package i don't know why he is so offended dating girls below his standards

[flowboy]

@ertopolice I don't know how old you are, but I sense a bit of a lack of social insight from your story. Could be lack of experience, but probably also due to lack of a good example to model yourself after. Girls learn how to be a woman from their mother. Without an emotionally intelligent and healthy mother, they are quite helpless to fall prey to toxic men, because they lack this imprint of healthy discernment.

Of course, if you recognize yourself in this, you can definitely develop this, if you put conscious effort into it.

A good way to start imprinting yourself with healthy dating behavior, is to collect a support circle of healthy women around you, so you can learn from each other, support each other, and talk about girl stuff. Start a "sister group" / women's circle. Make sure to find women who are lucky in dating, able to find and keep good relationships with healthy men. (not just have high standards - actually finding good men and keeping them!) You'll probably feel a bit uncomfortable with them because they are so unlike your toxic mother, but you have to push through this and befriend healthy people who you want to be like.

You've probably heard the saying that you become the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with.

I'm a bit worried that if you don't focus on this, you could have a string of disappointments just like this.

I hope you don't take offence. Obviously I could be totally off.

Edited December 19, 2021 by flowboy

[ertopolice]

@flowboy You nailed it.

I feel totally identified with what you say about lack of models. Moreover, apart from this "dating" thing, my biggest issue in LIFE and my reason to initiate in all the self growth stuff was the damage my mother made me when i started to be an adult. 

I acknowledge that I am at "risk" of being a prey for these men. Your nailed it, as I mentioned. This particular guys it's true that with his pickiness and standards seem a bit aggressive and manipulator so it reminds me about my mother...don't know why.

Still i got TONS of work to do with myself. I focused on my career, physical health, physique and intelectual stuff..but...being 33 y/o I'm still struggling with some basic stuff.

Seems so hard work and so tiring eveytime i realized it..

[hyruga]

He sounded like a narcissistic guy who cares only about himself. It seems he wants to dominate over you with his words and make you submissive over him. Stay far away from him and never give him a chance to strike unless he proves his worth again.

Even pulling away could be part of his tricks he learnt from pick up artists.

Edited December 19, 2021 by hyruga

[ertopolice]

@hyruga Insole conversation we got he said he read about picking up/ dating advice for males...but that it had no real application and blah blah

He said he thought about the "ideal female partner" qualities to look for..and all

Now that i talked and think about it again, i realize perhaps he is way too exigent 

[hyruga]

7 minutes ago, ertopolice said:

@hyruga Insole conversation we got he said he read about picking up/ dating advice for males...but that it had no real application and blah blah

He said he thought about the "ideal female partner" qualities to look for..and all

Now that i talked and think about it again, i realize perhaps he is way too exigent 

Since he already read pick up stuff, he may be influenced by it already. 

Does not matter what his mind or mouth say, his emotions may feel different and he will act subconsciously.

Just eg I can also say I am a high value guy and I will have 6 packs abs. But my body cannot control and my body will still eat the fried chickens and pizzas. 

He may say there's no real application but his body can still act out in some ways that will benefit him through pickup.