Attraction Phase vs Relationship Phase

[acy_321]

I have been dating this girl that i really like for about a month now and I have been doing a great job creating attraction so far. She is great relationship material and a all around great girl. I was wondering if anyone could give me insight to tell when the relationship faze of dating starts. I have been very needy in the past and got my heart broken because of it. I don’t want to fuck up this time around. 

How do I know when the relationship faze of dating starts?

How do I maintain a great long term relationship with this girl, how do I keep her around?

[Roy]

If you are in it (the relationship phase) you should naturally be talking every day by now. Just simple stuff like asking how each others day went, not huge phone conversations but enough to show that you are there and you care. Easing back a bit on trying to "woo" her and impress her all the time.

Start to show some emotional availability. If she wants to complain about something - listen, if she asks for advice on something - give it. You need to demonstrate you aren't just keeping her around for the fun dates or sex, but her as a person and whatever struggles she has too.

The problem is most guys want to skip attraction and jump right into a relationship, which comes off very needy. So the key right now is not to panic, ease into it. Let her come to you and when she does, give her subtle examples to show that you can be her rock.

To your second question about maintaining a long term relationship - Don't worry about that right now at all. The thing is you won't know until you are a few months in with her what kind of partner she actually is. It's usually around the 6-8+ month mark after their guard is down in the relationship when you really get to know someone. Then you get a sense of their true qualities and tendencies (the good and the bad) and what kind of potential there is for something long term. This process of learning is accelerated greatly if you live together.

[Yarco]

1 hour ago, acy_321 said:

How do I know when the relationship faze of dating starts?

For me it's about 2-3 months. For lack of a better term, everything normalizes. Emotions in all regards become more level and dulled.

The sex stops providing heroin-like highs. The first month of my relationships have been the only effective antidepressants I've ever had by a long shot but it quickly dulls. So first off, I'd say enjoy it, because this time is magical and doesn't last forever.
You will eventually stop needing to text her all day every day, or spending every moment with her. She doesn't have to always be on your mind any more.

1 hour ago, acy_321 said:

How do I maintain a great long term relationship with this girl, how do I keep her around?

Don't start taking your relationship for granted, don't just let it become a routine. Try to keep the spark of romance alive. Surprise her with random romantic things.
As long as you aren't living together, there's enough time apart that it naturally keeps things fresh. Once you start living together and spending every moment together, you've gotta avoid letting things get platonic and just seeing them almost as much as a roommate vs a partner.

Edited December 17, 2021 by Yarco

[hamedsf]

attraction is when you're attracting her into a relationship.
when you're in a relationship and she recognizes you as a partner, you're in the relationship phase. 
it's not rocket science.
but there's also another type of attraction inside a relationship which ties you together in the meantime. 
a relationship is a fire that you both should constantly put stuff in it to maintain and prevent extinction! 

[Nahm]

By understanding how you ‘fucked up’ last time. 

[Leo Gura]

If you are sleeping with her more than once a week, it's already started.

Obviously you already succeeded in attracting her. You don't need to work to attract her any more.

Less than once per week is fuckbuddy territory. More than once per week is girlfriend territory.

[Lyubov]

A lot to answer here in your post. A lot of this you will have to figure out on your own and trust your own knowingness and intuition. You got this my guy. I can give you a few insights I’ve had though. 

If you hang out and talk a lot via text, are emotionally vulnerable with each other and are having sex regularly then it is going in relationship territory. FWB just feels different. You will know what I’m talking about. It’s like knowing when you had an orgasm or awakening. You will just know and feel it’s happening. You will be thinking a lot about this girl and she will always be quite free and available to hang out and spend time with you. You may even find you are introducing each other to your friends and starting to RELATE, that is becoming a WE over an I. Making plans together, etc. FWB feels very separate and just about the sex and hanging out a bit after. 

For you, be fearless and let the relationship unfold and allow yourself to slowly grow into her. From there a lot of this neediness will surface and you can start addressing it and healing it so to speak. She will have her own process like this unfold as well. Good luck!

Edited December 17, 2021 by Lyubov

[acy_321]

Thank you for all the replies everyone. All the advice has been very insightful and I will be applying it in the future. I appreciate  u all. Much love. 

[Preety_India]

 

If she calls herself your girlfriend, then the relationship exists. 

If she doesn't call you her boyfriend or doesn't call herself your girlfriend, then you can't really call it a relationship. 

A relationship to exist needs mutual agreement at the very basic. 

Otherwise it's null. 

[Lyubov]

36 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

 

If she calls herself your girlfriend, then the relationship exists. 

If she doesn't call you her boyfriend or doesn't call herself your girlfriend, then you can't really call it a relationship. 

A relationship to exist needs mutual agreement at the very basic. 

Otherwise it's null. 

most girls are way too shy to call themselves the girlfriend. they will look for the guy to call her it first. it's always been that way from my experience. 

[JessyA]

On 17/12/2021 at 11:21 AM, Leo Gura said:

Less than once per week is fuckbuddy territory. More than once per week is girlfriend territory.

I like the distinction here lol

[tsuki]

On 17.12.2021 at 7:14 AM, acy_321 said:

How do I know when the relationship faze of dating starts?

The "start" part is tricky. It is usually easier to tell when you are knee deep into the relationship phase.
The signs of a relationship are that you are coordinating your everyday life together and that you depend on each other to work as a single unit, a team. There may be some tension arising between individual freedom and needs, and what you should be doing so that he ship is sailing smoothly. Also, you may start to feel that there are things that you are giving up so that you can be with your partner. You may start to see that a lot of things about her were pure fantasy on your part and that she is a real human being with faults.

On 17.12.2021 at 7:14 AM, acy_321 said:

How do I maintain a great long term relationship with this girl, how do I keep her around?

A comprehensive answer to this question is worthy of a book, if anybody cared to read it.

In short, know yourself, know where you come from, how you have been hurt and what triggers you. Know what you want and don't try to act as if you don't want anything at all (repression). Communicate what you want with full understanding that what you want is your own idiosyncrasy and it's up to her to give it, or not. Trust that she wants to give it to you. Listen to what she wants and don't chalk it up as nonsense simply because you don't feel this way.

And most of all, remember that the single most destructive force within relationships is control. When you lose the trust that your partner wants to satisfy your needs and try to control her, it's a road downhill that leads to forms of violence. Most violence is covert, rather than overt (i.e. emotional, financial, withholding sex/bartering, etc). It's very difficult to rebuild when it gets there, but it is possible.

[Lyubov]

1 hour ago, tsuki said:

And most of all, remember that the single most destructive force within relationships is control. When you lose the trust that your partner wants to satisfy your needs and try to control her, it's a road downhill that leads to forms of violence. Most violence is covert, rather than overt (i.e. emotional, financial, withholding sex/bartering, etc). It's very difficult to rebuild when it gets there, but it is possible.

Agreed, control and blame will lead to a literal never ending back and forth that just gets uglier and uglier till it burns out bitterly and leaves both people traumatized. 
 

“Nonviolent Communication By Marshall Rosenberg” is a must read for avoiding this or coming back from a back and forth like this. It literally saved my relationship! It’s a short book too. Must read for anyone here in a relationship or just getting into a relationship.