First date soon. Advice Needed.

[bloomer]

Asked a girl out and she said yes. We exchanged numbers and I said I'd message her. I have a few worries. First, I'm a 21 year old guy and I've never been on a date before so advice needed, where do I go and what do I say? Second I have no social life, I never go out and have no stories, also I've never had any previous gf's. She obviously doesn't know this. So what if she asks any questions about my social life? I don't want to lie but it feels like I'm left with no choice. 

[Terell Kirby]

Have you set up the date logistics? Time of day, location, etc?

If these are not solid, it leaves her more room to flake on you and not show up.

If you have these details, great. Only thing you need to do is show up and be yourself, have fun and don't take it so seriously.

Your first date most likely will be rough, but look at it as practice .. and an opportunity to learn / gain skills. There will be many more girls and dates if you keep working at it.

[Leo Gura]

27 minutes ago, bloomer said:

Second I have no social life, I never go out and have no stories, also I've never had any previous gf's. She obviously doesn't know this. So what if she asks any questions about my social life? I don't want to lie but it feels like I'm left with no choice.

Just change the topic to something else if it comes up. No need to lie but also no need to show all your cards. Act chill and normal. She does not need to know your social/dating life.

Best date location is a cafe or bar in an outdoor shopping mall area near your house.

Your biggest problem will be not leading enough. You need to lead her throughout the whole date. Take her by the hand and walk her around. Tell her where you're going. Be decisive and clear.

[JonasVE12]

If you come across attractive to her by how you behave in your sub communication and energy, she will totally not care about your previous lack of social life and dating experience but you have to own the heck out of it and also frame it in a high value way. Don't tell about yourself in a way that you come across as undesirable to other people. that's unattractive. 

There is nothing wrong with some slight different framing and some lies here and there to feel better about yourself in the present moment. If that Is needed in the beginning to make some progress in your dates, just do it but quickly move on from them and transfer into more authentic conversation and banter. After some successful dating experiences, you'll no longer feel the need to lie. Don't think its morally unjustified to lie just because that has been told to you. If it is needed for you to feel more confident, just do it. But quickly move on.

If you cultivated that internal energy that women feel so attracted to, you can tell all kinds of things about yourself that wouldn't be attractive if another guy said it. You basically radiate this energy that she feels magnetically attracted to and the stories and words don't matter because attraction is mostly above that. But in your case, you probably have not cultivated that energy otherwise you would have more experience. So it may not be smart to be brutally honest. if you come across unattractive in your date, then saying the truth will only confirm that for her.

Also, warm up socially before the date. Cold approach women before going on the date and you will feel 100x more calm, grounded and confident. That is so important.

[bloomer]

@Terell Kirby

1 hour ago, Terell Kirby said:

Have you set up the date logistics? Time of day, location, etc?

No not yet. I'm just waiting with her number. We work together actually. I wouldn't have made this thread if I'd done that already.

1 hour ago, Terell Kirby said:

If these are not solid, it leaves her more room to flake on you and not show up.

Could still happen ig.

1 hour ago, Terell Kirby said:

If you have these details, great. Only thing you need to do is show up and be yourself, have fun and don't take it so seriously.

I'll try to do that. Feels like this date has a weight to it which I don't like. Makes me nervous.

1 hour ago, Terell Kirby said:

Your first date most likely will be rough, but look at it as practice .. and an opportunity to learn / gain skills. There will be many more girls and dates if you keep working at it.

Man don't fucking tell me it'll be rough. Try to put me at ease a bit lol. 

@Leo Gura

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

Just change the topic to something else if it comes up. No need to lie but also no need to show all your cards. Act chill and normal. She does not need to know your social/dating life.

What's a good way to change the topic without letting her on to the fact that I'm hiding something?

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

Best date location is a cafe or bar in an outdoor shopping mall area near your house.

Your biggest problem will be not leading enough. You need to lead her throughout the whole date. Take her by the hand and walk her around. Tell her where you're going. Be decisive and clear.

I don't really go out drinking. I've been to a bar by myself like twice this year. Should I go out and look for places that would make a good date before?

I'll lead her anyway. Take her hand etc... The fact that she said that's she's interested in going on a date with me means she likes me enough.

@JonasVE12

1 hour ago, JonasVE12 said:

If you come across attractive to her by how you behave in your sub communication and energy, she will totally not care about your previous lack of social life and dating experience but you have to own the heck out of it and also frame it in a high value way. Don't tell about yourself in a way that you come across as undesirable to other people. that's unattractive. 

I won't. It is what it is. I can't change the past. I've resented myself for a while over it but if I bothered to divulge my life story to you guys it would make sense how I ended up where I am. You're right though Jonas. The biggest issue is that I dislike myself for where I am in life instead of owning my own shit and just moving on. I'm starting to do that now.

1 hour ago, JonasVE12 said:

There is nothing wrong with some slight different framing and some lies here and there to feel better about yourself in the present moment. If that Is needed in the beginning to make some progress in your dates, just do it but quickly move on from them and transfer into more authentic conversation and banter. After some successful dating experiences, you'll no longer feel the need to lie.

Yeah I won't feel the need to lie because I'll be successful and normal. I won't lie here. As Leo said it's none of her business. We can just go out, have a few drinks and a good time. Nothing more to it. It isn't some interview or look into all my life. 

1 hour ago, JonasVE12 said:

Don't think its morally unjustified to lie just because that has been told to you. If it is needed for you to feel more confident, just do it. But quickly move on.

It's because I'm uncomfortable with my lack of dating experience and having no social life. Whenever I get close enough to mention this with people they think it's weird. I generally just blame covid lockdowns and there's some truth to that ruining what little I had of a social life.

1 hour ago, JonasVE12 said:

If you cultivated that internal energy that women feel so attracted to, you can tell all kinds of things about yourself that wouldn't be attractive if another guy said it. You basically radiate this energy that she feels magnetically attracted to and the stories and words don't matter because attraction is mostly above that. But in your case, you probably have not cultivated that energy otherwise you would have more experience.

Damn, here I was reading that first half thinking "hey, maybe I have this energy with her" and then, POP, you burst my fucking bubble lol. 

1 hour ago, JonasVE12 said:

So it may not be smart to be brutally honest. if you come across unattractive in your date, then saying the truth will only confirm that for her.

You're right. I'm not even going to really look at it as a date. Just someone I'm hanging out with, trying to get to know and have a good time with. Even if she ends up rejecting me cause I'm not the person she thought I was, its still a good learning experience anyway. Also I'm not such a complete dolt that I'd fuck it up completely.

1 hour ago, JonasVE12 said:

Also, warm up socially before the date. Cold approach women before going on the date and you will feel 100x more calm, grounded and confident. That is so important.

Yeah I'll go out before the date and try to get into a more sociable mood. Not really one for cold approaching girls though. 

[Raptorsin7]

2 hours ago, bloomer said:

Asked a girl out and she said yes. We exchanged numbers and I said I'd message her. I have a few worries. First, I'm a 21 year old guy and I've never been on a date before so advice needed, where do I go and what do I say? Second I have no social life, I never go out and have no stories, also I've never had any previous gf's. She obviously doesn't know this. So what if she asks any questions about my social life? I don't want to lie but it feels like I'm left with no choice. 

Good luck. Just be honest and be yourself, and if you don't know how to do that.... then good luck lol

[bloomer]

@Raptorsin7

Just now, Raptorsin7 said:

Good luck. Just be honest and be yourself, and if you don't know how to do that.... then good luck lol

I think I know how to be honest and be myself lol

[Raptorsin7]

5 minutes ago, bloomer said:

@Raptorsin7

I think I know how to be honest and be myself lol

Then i'd say do that and let the chips fall where they may

[Danioover9000]

@bloomer

2 hours ago, bloomer said:

Asked a girl out and she said yes. We exchanged numbers and I said I'd message her. I have a few worries. First, I'm a 21 year old guy and I've never been on a date before so advice needed, where do I go and what do I say? Second I have no social life, I never go out and have no stories, also I've never had any previous gf's. She obviously doesn't know this. So what if she asks any questions about my social life? I don't want to lie but it feels like I'm left with no choice. 

   Pick a place you're familiar with when arranging a date. You want to be able to lead her around from place to place and talk about yourself a bit, stories that involved you and those places, even if those stories are embellished or full bullshido, in those stories tells her what kind of man you are in general. Don't be afraid to puff yourself a bit, and make those tales a bit emotional as well, not too over the top or dramatic.

   I also suggest you watch all of Leo's videos on dating, and the three part how to get laid series. Worth a watch through.

   Also, consider training your subconscious mind, like doing lots of visualizations and positive affirmations about being social, being a player and so on. Self hypnosis is also good as well. Do those exercises until you fully believe in yourself that you are social and worth dating. Fully believe you are worth socializing and dating, as this really puts you into the right state for the interaction.

   Have fun with your date! 

[mememe]

@bloomer not the shopping mall! except if she is a very orange personality.

there must be places you like. or stuff you like to do even if you are alone.

@Leo Gura really if you live in the us you really date at shopping malls? i always thought this is a joke. at the age of 21? there is not more to explore? so you only do the good stuff with friends, basically?

Edited December 16, 2021 by mememe

[bloomer]

@mememe

55 minutes ago, mememe said:

there must be places you like. or stuff you like to do even if you are alone.

Lol no, see meme

[Terell Kirby]

2 hours ago, bloomer said:

 

No not yet. I'm just waiting with her number.

Lol what? Man up and set a date ..

Being a scared little child will not get you laid.

[Leo Gura]

2 hours ago, mememe said:

@bloomer not the shopping mall! except if she is a very orange personality.

there must be places you like. or stuff you like to do even if you are alone.

@Leo Gura really if you live in the us you really date at shopping malls? i always thought this is a joke. at the age of 21? there is not more to explore? so you only do the good stuff with friends, basically?

You repeatedly post nonsense.

[Yarco]

Just relax, realize she's probably just as nervous as you, even if she's been on dates before. Try to treat her like just one of the guys or a family member that you've known for a long time while you're just talking, that's the kind of familiarity you want to go for. 

Men are naturally less talkative, if she's into you she'll probably naturally carry the conversation and ask you questions to get you to open up. She will fear the awkward silence just as much as you and try to fill it if she can.

You must have a few stories or interesting things you've done in your life, even if they were in high school. Try to think up at least a few interesting things about yourself. You don't have to tell her it was stuff that happened 5 years ago. Tell her stuff you're interested in, even if it's meditation and Actualized.org type stuff. There's no point worrying about her judging you over what you like... if she thinks spiritual stuff is stupid then you probably aren't a good fit anyway. That's what the point of the date is to figure out.

Women like guys that are passionate about something, even if it's something "boring" like making ships in bottles, reading, having an aquarium, etc. It's better to have something unique about your personality than just be another guy who plays video games and watches Netflix

Edited December 17, 2021 by Yarco

[Emotionalmosquito]

Wow. First off, good job and best of luck mate. With any luck I’ll be in the same position soon. Few questions: What tone of voice did you use to ask her and what mood were you in? As much as you can recall, how much emphasis did you use on each word and what was your cadence like? I ask because vocal tonality is something I imagine is a massive part of whether or not a girl says yes.

 

3 hours ago, Yarco said:

if she thinks spiritual stuff is stupid

In that case what better chance to recruit a new member. All of the evidence would be on his side as to why it is in fact quite the opposite of stupid. Anyone who thinks that probably doesn’t know what spirituality even is and is referring to pseudo spiritualists who use it as a status symbol or escape strategy.

 

9 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

be yourself

 

12 hours ago, Terell Kirby said:

be yourself

Which one?

There are so many different aspects to one’s character that this command could mean anything. If you’re being your wild adventurous warrior self, you aren’t being your calm cool laidback self. If you’re being your playful party animal self, you can’t be your abstract thinking philosophical self and so on. You only have limited tokens to invest in your stats so you can’t be everything. And does “be yourself” work for autistic people?

This is part of why I think this be yourself thing is so overhyped and rather frustrating.

 

Edited December 17, 2021 by Emotionalmosquito

[Raptorsin7]

1 minute ago, Emotionalmosquito said:

Wow. First off, good job and best of luck mate. With any luck I’ll be in the same position soon. Few questions: What tone of voice did you use to ask her and what mood were you in? As much as you can recall, how much emphasis did you use on each word and what was your cadence like? I ask because vocal tonality is something I imagine is a massive part of whether or not a girl says yes.

 

In that case what better chance to recruit a new member. All of the evidence would be on his side as to why it is in fact quite the opposite of stupid. Anyone who thinks that probably doesn’t know what spirituality even is and is referring to pseudo spiritualists who use it as a status symbol or escape strategy.

 

 

Which one?

There are so many different aspects to one’s character that this statement could mean anything. If you’re being your wild adventurous warrior self, you aren’t being your calm cool laidback self. If you’re being your playful party animal self, you can’t be your abstract thinking philosophical self and so on. You only have limited tokens to invest in your stats so you can’t be everything. And does “be yourself” work for autistic people?

This is part of why I think this be yourself thing is so overhyped and rather frustrating.

 

There's only one self. Are there two of you who can read and be conscious of yourself as you read this?

Edited December 17, 2021 by Raptorsin7

[Emotionalmosquito]

3 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

There's only one self. Are there two of you who can read and be conscious of yourself as you read this?

In that case it’s literally impossible to be anything other than yourself for a single moment ever. So what’s the point in saying it?

[Raptorsin7]

Just now, Emotionalmosquito said:

In that case it’s literally impossible to be anything other than yourself for a single moment ever. So what’s the point in saying it?

No it is possible. Most people don't live from this place of simply being present as themselves. They spend most of their time in their thoughts, and trying be to this way or that way. 

Simply sit there and notice yourself as this conscious presence. There's no thinking required to be yourself. And simply act spontaneously from this space.

[Emotionalmosquito]

Pure presence is something most people will never taste until after they’re dead. The ego is sneaky enough to send you impulses making you believe they’re pure and good. You take someone inexperienced with spirituality and tell them to be themselves, not only will they have no reference point for anything other than their current state of being, but also be very likely to act on impure animalistic impulses that they believed was acting spontaneously. This can be disastrous. For example, you might feel the sudden urge to burst out erratically dancing in a situation where it’s highly inappropriate to do so. Like maybe you’re in church and they say a verse that resonates with you so well it makes you want to bust a move.

[mememe]

6 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

You repeatedly post nonsense.

ditto

i‘d rather go to a laundromat or eat a quesadilla than a shopping mall for a date. but that’s super individual stuff. some people have never seen their city by foot probably. 

Edited December 17, 2021 by mememe