To old for this shit?

[Danny Bowdad]

Hello, this is my first journal entry.
 

 I am a 47 year old white guy. I’m  married, have 4 great kids, I was a very active member at our local mega church, I have a shitty 6 figure job, (I know… poor me, right?)  we’ll we really do clean up shit and guts. It’s not hard to make 6 figures if you are willing to clean up other peoples shit, or the remains of their loved ones that were left by the coroner. 
 

like a lot of other 47 year olds, I hit a point where I could find no satisfaction, no matter how great my life looked on outside.  It was at my lowest point when I started microdosing Iboga root bark for help with depression/anxiety/addiction. My experiment was so successful,  I decided to do the whole flood dose thing.  This was my first glimpse into something mystical and sent me into a nihilistic, existential crises. 
 

Fast forward a few years… learning and growing along the way, I’m in a much better place.  I’m slowly finding people who I can talk to, but for the first year, I suffered greatly… very alone.  Today integration of my mystical experiences are vital. 
 

I would like to create this journal for my own growth, also for the people who believe they are alone in this.  Or the people who think they are to old to change.  I hope my experiences are helpful to someone else. 

[Danny Bowdad]

Hello Journal.  Watched Leo’s nihilism video today for the 7th, 8th time?  I’m still at a point where all of this seems pretty silly, like I am talking to myself.  I catch myself wanting to “help” the people in my life by telling them what I know about why they are doing what they are doing in an attempt to “fix” then, but I don’t anymore.  Somehow I know that it is pointless.  
 

I am hanging on to the idea that; as I do this work, things will get better, I will get better, even if I can’t ever really tell my friends and family what I am going through.  My wife is still pretty involved in church (I stopped all church activities about a year ago). I can’t tell her any of  this shit!  Her and her friends are all ready trying to pray over me, they drop off Max Lucado books at my house.  This is all fine, I know they mean well.  I want scream at them “it really worked! Now I'm God…, thank you!”  When I want them to stop, I’ll try that maybe. She actually asked me if I was secretly becoming a free mason yesterday. 
 

I guess I really don’t know what I’m looking for in all this, I just know that the curiosity of knowing my most true nature will not go away.  Sorry about rant if you’ve decided to read this… I just don’t know what else I’m supposed to do with this journal.  
 

For some reason, just the action of doing this activity is seemingly very positive, even if it’s just a ramble. 

Edited December 16, 2021 by Danny Bowdad