Awareness feels controlling

[Wisebaxter]

When I'm practising mindfulness I almost feel uncomfortable or it feels unnatural as I have to work to maintain this awareness. If I lose my awareness of the present moment/truth and get lost in thought, then I'm back to unconsciousness and automatic thinking, which I'm trying to move away from. Does mindfulness or an aware state always feel like this? Like it's effort? How can letting go really be letting go when it requires a level of control? 

[Mu_]

56 minutes ago, Wisebaxter said:

When I'm practising mindfulness I almost feel uncomfortable or it feels unnatural as I have to work to maintain this awareness. If I lose my awareness of the present moment/truth and get lost in thought, then I'm back to unconsciousness and automatic thinking, which I'm trying to move away from. Does mindfulness or an aware state always feel like this? Like it's effort? How can letting go really be letting go when it requires a level of control? 

Perhaps try this instead or in conjunction with what your practicing.  When its noticed that your back in thought and unconscious, become curios that your aware when this happens and when its happening.  If you were really unconscious and lost in thought, you would not be aware of so, but You are.  Become curious when its transitioning from "mindful" to "unconscious" and notice, that your always present between the supposed two polar opposites.  Play around with that and report back in a while, see if anything interesting shifts.  Send me a message if you have any questions after doing this.

[VeganAwake]

Maybe the apparent issue is the belief that one state is better or more spiritual than another?

[Wisebaxter]

@Mu_ Thanks for the exercise. I'll definitely experiment with that and report back.

9 hours ago, VeganAwake said:

Maybe the apparent issue is the belief that one state is better or more spiritual than another?

@VeganAwake Yeah there's definitely something to this. There's a lot of sneaky conceptualising going on. I'm getting caught up in Mara. I think I have an aversion to the mind wandering experience, as I don't feel 'present' in it. But of course I am, I'm just not experiencing that thought or belief? I remember Leo saying reality is just composed of an infinitude of states and I'm favouring one over the other, this experience of 'favouring' being just another state. But here I go weaving more conceptual webs lol. I'm really looking for a way to stay present more, whatever that means. I wanna stay in a watchful or mindful state but like I said there's this feeling of 'I need to maintain this.' 

Feeling like I wasn't aware is just another thought...feeling like the experience is contrived, is another one...I can create an experience where there is no thought, but it feels like effort. Hmm, I suppose my problem is the way I've created this distinction at all, between thought and awareness. There's still a controlling element going on, based on preferences?  

Edited December 14, 2021 by Wisebaxter

[Mason Riggle]

@Wisebaxter for me, it's really liberating to realize that 'effort' doesn't take any effort.  Whenever I try to do something, I never had to try to try to do it. 

I often notice that I am already doing what I do, without trying to do it, even if 'trying to do something' is what I'm effortlessly doing.  This can be notice now, directly.  

Ask yourself, 'how hard am I trying to be myself right now?'  Notice that it takes no effort at all.. you just always 'are being yourself', and you couldn't stop even if you tried.. because that would just be more 'what you are doing', which is 'being yourself'. 

[Wisebaxter]

25 minutes ago, Mason Riggle said:

@Wisebaxter for me, it's really liberating to realize that 'effort' doesn't take any effort.  Whenever I try to do something, I never had to try to try to do it. 

I often notice that I am already doing what I do, without trying to do it, even if 'trying to do something' is what I'm effortlessly doing.  This can be notice now, directly.  

Ask yourself, 'how hard am I trying to be myself right now?'  Notice that it takes no effort at all.. you just always 'are being yourself', and you couldn't stop even if you tried.. because that would just be more 'what you are doing', which is 'being yourself'. 

@Mason Riggle I really liked that and it make perfect sense to me, so thanks. I hadn't realised that this idea of 'making an effort' was a concept or an assumption. I was under the illusion there could be something in my present experience that wasn't me, that was counter to me or getting in the way of me. Because I felt that this 'I' was doing something, this created a duality or an experience of 'effort being made.' But there was no effort. I'm gonna examine this experience of 'effort.' 

[Mu_]

@Wisebaxter Your welcome.  You also may find some fruit in examining why is being present important?  Whats wrong with thought, mind chatter, being distracted and consider if these idea's that come up are true and useful.   Or are they thoughts and beliefs such as, if I don't I won't be enlightened, I won't find that which will make me feel better or be better?

[Mason Riggle]

1 minute ago, Wisebaxter said:

I'm gonna examine this experience of 'effort.' 

Don't try too hard.  

[Brandon Nankivell]

I battled with this for a long-time but eventually understood.

Awareness requires no effort.

The effort you feel is you (your sense of self, ego-mind) trying to be somewhere other than where you are.

That trying is a thought.

You've stated, "I'm back to unconsciousness and automatic thinking" and this is may be what you feel will happen if you don't try to be aware.

But this is trying, the very thing keeping you unaware!

So what to do?

Here's some pointers based on my experience:

• Investigate, inquire into, understand the thoughts that arise.
  • From where do they arise?
  • What is their motive?
  • Are these thoughts useful?
• Once you 'see it', you may have an 'Aha!' moment, or laugh - It will be hilariously clear
  • By 'it' I mean the movements of the mind that stem from the Ego
  • You'll realize that all these thoughts you've had about effort and trying are just the Ego doing it's thing to distract you from realizing you are Awareness
• Ingrained thought patterns of the mind are often deep and habitual due to conditioning, so be at peace and chill if Awareness isn't effortless straight-away, but nor you need to believe it has to take a squillion years to realize, drop all expectations of how long realizing should take
• There are so many methods of meditation that it may feel confusing - mindfulness sounds like the one you are using, which can work and take effort, however I prefer going back to understanding (my first point), because once you understand the inner workings of the mind, it's more frequently seen for the nonsense that it creates, and so you become effortlessly aware.
• Another more recent method I've been using when I fall out of effortless Awareness, is literally just going about life, not worrying about reminding myself, giving myself full permission to fall into old thought patterns, but just accepting any life situation that comes up when my energy is resistant (from the minor things to the big things). Accepting that an ant is on my foot rather than instantly killing it. Seeing frustration come up in a conversation with a family member, then instantly accepting it because I realize it's the ego-mind up to mischief keeping me unaware. So it's a bit of effort but because I don't have to think or do anything until a situation arises, it makes for a breezy kind-of-meditation. That's all the ancient Saints mean when they say just love... give... be kind...

I found immense help in Osho's book: Learning to Silence the Mind.

[mandyjw]

Interesting projection. You can't project back upon the pure light that is prior to the filter placed upon the projector. 

When you feel bad, go to the projector itself, not the projection on the wall. What belief did you leave there laying on the glass?