happiness is flowing in or some shit

[Cathal]

about 10 months ago i slit myself and tried to die, abused child teen opioid addict etc, i then did psychedelics and had an intense experience of freedom in which i just knew this was what i have been looking for.

i call them by manic jesus episodes, i've had many of these since i was about 22 but i didn't really understand them until this year after the dissolution of the 'i' via psychedelics, i have this intense right action drive but with no understand and no direction i ended up on the streets having psychotic episodes, calling random people asking them about there childhood trauma and travelling sleeping in the ditches, begging for money and leaving my country to go into a volunteer place, you might say ungrounded. i went through the most unbearable dark night ever, just soaked in ruthless suffering. anyways, i kinda saw psychedelics won't bring me to where i want to go, i just knew if i kept working on my traumas, forgiving, understanding things and stick to meditate fuck it i'll get somewhere and... yeah, here i am

i am just so present. i can enjoy the mundane, i can enjoy so much shit, i just burst out laughing so much, i really love people as they are, i am so radically accepting of ppl. my mind is still active as fuck but its like i can see watch it so effortessly, things feel very effortless and i just feel so very loving, i can see things so clearly within myself that the way people behave and the way life is, it just is and i can now only see it but appreciate it.

i know i have a looooong way to go but tbh at 18 i made a vow i would be dead at 24 and here i am, so ye

this has been nice, i just wanted to share that. i am a bit of a lurker in the enlightenment scene because i have no idea what the fuck u guys are talking about, but this is mind blowing to experience for me. i am determined to follow in teachings of Christ to service all beings through action, beginning with the darkest of sinners