I went to the doc

[Nadosa]

...and surprise surprise nothings wrong with my body. Still this part of me, my brain whatever it is, has stored these deep anchored memories of whatever it was, "the death" of my person. And whenever those are triggered I get vivid flashbacks of this Annihilation and feel like I dont belong here anymore. I focused on it 4 weeks ago and it felt traumatizing going to work, I was switching between mind-created reality and myself, back and forth, I thought I was going crazy.

The thoughts put "this person" in this concept of time and I feel completely confused about everything what I had previously "realized" via meditation. The thoughts feel anchored to a deep "part" inside of me, this persona, they pull me to a place of insanity, of feeling annihilated from the world and forever stuck in thoughts, better said, they put me in exactly that state of feeling and thinking that felt like Annihilation 4 years ago. When the dream ended. 

How do I know if the person died? Idk. It just felt like death at that point. Since that day the only thing keeping me alive here is the feeling of goodness. Nothing else. Because thought and everything going on in thoughts is just pure madness pulling me back into a personhood that no longer makes sense to me.

I didnt die. But I cant say that sentence with a hundred percent certainty unless someone kicks my ass with Truth, then I reconnect at least a bit "to whatever I am". Which is madness. Then I judge this madness. And the madness gets even worse.

I Just cant live with that story anymore, its robbing all of my energy. But I can own it. Its there. And will always be there. As this person continues living. 

Edited December 9, 2021 by Nadosa