There's a deep locked well of surrender within me

[caspex]

Imagine if the waking consciousness is the surface of the ocean. The dreams you experience within sleep are submerged deep in that ocean. This ocean is your mind-body-spirit complex comprising of everything that 'you' are.

When I focus on that which is infinite, god, love, beauty, being, non-being, mystery, etcetera, I become aware of this 'thing' deep, really really deep within that ocean, which starts to come up a tiny bit. Let's think of it as a giant sea monster(Because that feeling is HUGE and way too deep). It's name is deep surrender. If it comes up to the surface, not only I'll cease to be, but so will reality as I know it. It scares 'ME', a boat afloat the ocean. The boat is afraid that the sea monster will arise from the depths and swallow it in one gulp. 

I am scared of that sea monster. I know it's deep surrender, but I do not wish to be eaten. If the sea monster eats me, everything in the ocean will dissolve into one homogenous substance. There would be no surface, no above waters, no under waters. It will become an infinite ocean with no surface, unlike oceans on earth. 

The sea monster eating me, will manifest as me crying intensely without shame. I'll cry harder than I ever cried as a baby. Maybe the feeling would be so deep, that I won't even be able to shed a tear. That's what my intuition, a sage, relatively closer to me compared to the sea monster, but still deep in the ocean, tells me. I don't want to die, I don't want to get eaten. But that same sage tells me that the sea monster I fear, isn't a monster, but an angel trapped deep within the ocean, which wants me to loosen up my guard so that it can come up to the surface, and help me become whole.

But I can't, I don't know how to. I don't know where you are, massive angel, I can only feel your presence, threatening the very existence of reality itself. Please, help me angel.

[WelcometoReality]

@Swarnim If you're to afraid to meet the sea monster you don't need to push it. You'll be ready when it's your time. Maybe you can surrender to that?

[mandyjw]

That boat is empty honey. 

[Nahm]

Just say fuck it and see what happens.