Cry out, expressing feelings, making the unconscious conscious again

[Nadosa]

This damn goddamn confusing metamorphisis process. It brings me to my knees. I am crying day by day I WANT TO LIVE. I allowed myself to cry today because I dont speak, I dont talk to anyone about my suffering. Because I want to be a warrior and battle this for myself. Everyone in my environment recognised smth is wrong, my colleagues in the Hospital realizing my state of steady rumination about things that dont make sense at all. I dont even realize myself anymore, what the hell I am thinking. And just judging what I think is pure madness. I dont wanna talk about thoughts and images and all the shitty beliefs because they just seem schizophrenic and they scare me because I JUST WANT TO BE A NORMAL DUDE. 

Then this burden of memories of my old self distresses my entire sense of self. This self died. And it just feels like a part of me died and i cant let go, I keep identifying and analyzing everything over and over because I have the urge to heal or cure what I faced, but it just doesnt work, Im just confused. I felt like I died. I really believed I did. No, I just held on to a delusion, an illusion, an illusion that thought it died. It still has ahold of me. But I couldnt let go. No one understood. I told everyone Im dying. A part of me dies. I told therapists, psychiatrists, I didnt find help and felt SO alone. I went on with suffering beyond what could be bearable. You could describe this dying part as unconsciousness. As soon as it is made conscious, I feel kinda "lighter".

Then I kinda made this part "conscious", I reconnected to my humanness, experienced oneness and just chose to be happy and could kinda forget everything about it...meditated approximately 80 hours via Rupert Spira and felt good, thoughts were spent on relationships, music projects...the thought "of me" crossed my mind here and there leaving a wave of sheer terror. Sometimes I reidentified and felt like a wave of confusion panic, as if "I" was already dead, laid to rest way back "in the past". No, as if it didnt even exist in the first place.

Two years later, now, I kinda let go of spirituality and really dismissed any awareness practises, self-doubt, insecurity reappeared, the thought of "who am I" came crashing down again. Then I focused on the "self that died" thought and it felt like I was so deeply drawn into unconscious beliefs, I felt like I was going crazy and set back into the past where it all started.

The Story DOESNT make sense, I am just floating around on autopilot letting my unconsciousness play the game of life. AND I FEEL MISERABLE.  DISCONNECTED FROM ANY HUMANNESS. My brain feels broken - the clue is Im perfectly healthy physically. 

And I just realize what Im doing to everyone in my state of unconscious rumination. Im crying and feeling shame and guilt. But I feel sick. My brain is just sick. A Flip switched 4 years ago. It felt like there was no other way than living consciously, but do you believe my lazy ass ever lets go of anything that doesnt serve me?! No he just blindly believes every sick thought. 

I am a nurse. And I do it with love and passion. Last weeks were just unbearable. I just felt sorry for everyone dealing with such a mess. I went into the rooms and felt so close yet so far away from the patients. So deep deep deep into unconscious beliefs. I felt insane. All I did was locking myself during the break and sitting on the toilet waiting for answers. I couldnt bear working in such a state of awareness anymore.

Today I went to shaman and spend 140€ just to feel some sense of hope and Connection. All I was feeling and thinking when I laid there as he rubbed out apparent  "energy blockages": I am fucking lost, its all made by myself, what could an exterior force ever change about my state of happiness.

Im dropping in and out of a movie. It confuses me to the bone. It warps every inch of my being. Then realizing its all in my mind/thought. Then believing Im a schizophrenic wreck beyond help. Not even that. Nothing can diagnose me. Everytime I cry I come back to my humanness till this mind gives me flashbacks of whatever I thought I'd be. And Im back instantly. Into insanity. The universe screams let go. I Just want a ground. I dont want to feel crazy. 

 

I hold on to every inch of love. I dont want to give up. I know I AM love. I AM. But this NEED of JUDGING the process and DEFINE myself is so strong.

Sobbing

Phil.

Edited December 7, 2021 by Nadosa