Motherhood

[ElenaO]

We are back from Coupeville. Went for a night. I feel like one night and one day (we are ~ 24 h away from home) is the right amount to be away from home. Even this creates enough trouble with tiredness for us: Luke's tired, because of short naps in the car, Carl and me are tired because of not sleeping well.
Coupeville was nice, though. Worth visiting. We saw a lot of deer, which are walking around the place like it's the woods. 
We went to Ebey's Landing (impressive, the wall hanging above the Puget Sound), and today went to Fort Casey's State Park. The latter was also nice, because of the lighthouse and the views of the Puget and the mountains. You can also see the Landing from here.
I think I overate on snacks in the morning, so felt unenthusiastic and guilty in the afternoon. It doesn't help that I didn't sleep well. Bellingham a month ago was easier in some regards, but harder in other. Luke cried some when going to sleep at night, but not nearly as much as in Bellingham. The nap on the way home was also longer (1.5h), so that's progress!
We got a burger for lunch in Coupeville (which was rare , I didn't realize I need to tell them to cook it to well-done) and it was meant for Luke. Instead Luke mostly ate the cheese and onions, plus pickles (! surprise!). Then we had a sandwich with roastbeef and swiss (I liked it a lot and so did Luke!), and a yogurt. Luke also had purees and a banana. 
We stayed at an airbnb which after all the fees + taxes costed 345 dollars. (Insane, I know). But these are the prices everywhere, and even last year on our trips this wasn't any different. 
The airbnb was OK, 2 rooms, Luke slept in the living, me upstairs, Carl downstairs. The beds were too small for both of us to sleep in one. 
 

 

[Something Funny]

4 hours ago, ElenaO said:

We stayed at an airbnb which after all the fees + taxes costed 345 dollars. (Insane, I know)

Wow, crazy prices. Are hotels cheaper, maybe?

[ElenaO]

On 6/19/2023 at 1:24 AM, Something Funny said:

Wow, crazy prices. Are hotels cheaper, maybe?

Sorry! I don't check this often
Nope, hotels aren't cheaper. And also there isn't much available at all.

I'm not sure where you live, but what are the prices over there?

[ElenaO]

We had a huge fight with Carl. I feel like in some way this relationship is so shallow. We don't know each other, we don't know and don't listen to what we need and want. It feels awful right now.

[Something Funny]

17 hours ago, ElenaO said:

Sorry! I don't check this often
Nope, hotels aren't cheaper. And also there isn't much available at all.

I'm not sure where you live, but what are the prices over there?

I see. I live in Poland, but I am not sure what the prices are here since I don't travel much. 

17 hours ago, ElenaO said:

We had a huge fight with Carl. I feel like in some way this relationship is so shallow. We don't know each other, we don't know and don't listen to what we need and want. It feels awful right now.

 

Yeah, you must feel pretty bad right now, I am sorry to hear that. Why did the fight break out? Did you decide to bring this topic to him or was it something unrelated?

What needs of yours does he not understand / acknowledge in your opinion? Do you think that there is something that you don't listen to as well?

[ElenaO]

On 6/28/2023 at 2:44 PM, Something Funny said:

I see. I live in Poland, but I am not sure what the prices are here since I don't travel much.

I've been to Poland. It's wonderful. And it my opinion way more affordable than a lot of other countries in Europe. 
 

 

On 6/28/2023 at 2:44 PM, Something Funny said:

Yeah, you must feel pretty bad right now, I am sorry to hear that. Why did the fight break out? Did you decide to bring this topic to him or was it something unrelated?

What needs of yours does he not understand / acknowledge in your opinion? Do you think that there is something that you don't listen to as well?

I guess things just piled up. And I just generally have resentment that is lingering from a lot of things. Including things that are unrelated to my husband. Right now for example I am struggling with asserting myself at the playgrounds. It's really bugging me. I cannot sleep sometimes because I keep thinking about it. 

We talked about the needs a little a few days after. Of course, it's a process and we need to come back to this topic. 

[ElenaO]

I feel resentment again towards Carl. (I got to research on how to let go resentment, because otherwise it will just outpour into something ugly. Maybe journaling?). All he did today was taking care of himself. And I guess I understand that it's OK sometimes. But it's been like that for a while. He mostly does what he wants. I am not saying he isn't with Luke. He still does his job as a father. 
I am missing connection, our walks with talks. Lately we haven't done any of that. And I don't know why he doesn't want any. It makes me feel like now I need to start finding friends with whom to talk instead of talking to him. But wouldn't this create an even larger gap in our relationship.
I went ahead and called my old friend Ezio today on the walk around Green Lake. It's nice to have a friend you can talk to at almost any time. 

[ElenaO]

Wanted to add a few cute things about Luke. 
He started taking toys to bed. And sometimes it ends up being like 7 toys. I have to secretly go in at nights and get them out of bed, because I think there's too much clutter in his bed otherwise.
Usually he is very particular at what he wants. Tonight after offering many toys, he wasn't satisfied (this is a usual thing). I went back in into the room, because he was crying when I left. I asked him what he wants. He said: mak, then maks. I didn't get it, so I left. Then after I few minutes it hit me, MASK. There was spider man head (mask, as we call it) in the bathroom. So he wanted that. 
Another cute thing. Now when he wants me to pick him up to show him something where he doesn't reach, he takes things out of my hands, e.g. his cup, and puts it on the table. Then he comes to me and pulls his hands towards me, showing that he wants to be picked up. The funny part here is that he clears my hands, knowingly that they will be occupied with him He's so cute. Really. 

[ElenaO]

Luke's growing. You can ask him questions now and he'll reply. At 22 months! Insane.
I asked him the other day where he went with Dada, he said Phinney! I was amazed. 
Yesterday I asked what he saw at Phinney and he said bag (a bag hanging on the tree), and neighhh! (there was a toy fox or sort of horse Carl told me). 
Then I also asked about hot tub (his favorite nowadays). He said there are bubbles (that one I am not surprised about because he talks about it all the time). And he said fish. Carl explained that there was some sort of a whale toy in there. But that happened weeks ago! And he still remembers

[ElenaO]

Today I asked what I am wearing in the photograph ( I wasn't pointing at anything). He said hat. He also recognizes himself in pictures, as well as me and his grandmas. 
And he understands these too: again (he says it if he wants something again!  ), more (that's been for a while), that, this, here, etc. He does not understand colors yet. 

[ElenaO]

I'm pregnant. This is the abs the last time we are trying. Doing the hcg level tests as well, will go for the second one on Monday. 
I'm fatigued every day. It comes and goes, but I also nap twice a day. I feel like I'm becoming so undisciplined and losing control. Part of it is that I'm having it comfortable right now in some regards: no work. I do feel like I am losing touch to survival. I also feel bad that I do not practice algorithms almost at all, since I am spending all my free time napping.

Luke is also tired all the time. Is this because of nightmares? Is it something else? He's too young to tell me what's going on.

[ElenaO]

I went for an ultrasound last Wednesday and they found normal heart beat! This is great. On the other hand, I’m feeling shitty like I haven’t before (except for other pregnancies which were long enough). 
Constant nausea and tiredness. I need to nap 2-3 times a day just to manage. I’m not feeling good. I feel like I’m just trying to run away from all this and the days are also least productive. I eat plenty of fruits which is almost binging. Do not like that but when I feel nauseous I need something in my mouth that’ll make me feel good. And things I ate before are out of menu- too sick to even think about them. Which means no more chocolate bars (great, because those aren’t low calorie).

honestly I feel like other women have it easier. Maybe because their hcg levels and other hormone levels are lower?

I’m going in for another checkup on Monday so will see how things are going. I’m wishing for a good outcome. 

[ElenaO]

Still dealing with nausea, but perhaps my progesterone levels are starting to normalize, as I am not as sleepy as I used to be. Not sure if it's good or not in terms of how the baby's doing.
We had a couple over (Ying, Raya, Han) and Simar on Saturday. I stressed so much to make it look good, and it took the worst out of me by the end of the day. We had a fight with my husband. I feel like such events, unless you are very experienced, do take a toll. On the other hand, there are positives that come with it. 
I'm going for another blood test on Wed the 13th to find out the gender. We hope everything goes well until then.

[ElenaO]

The period from 10th week onwards has been the worst so far. I did feel slightly better today and thought maybe things are looking up for me in terms of feeling shitty all the time. It could be, 
I am 11 weeks one day. We got test results today for MaterniT test, which tests for most common chromosomal disorders and identifies the gender. According to tests, the baby doesn't have any of the tested disorders (over 99% precision) and it is... another boy
I have an ultrasound in a week, so that I could see how things are more precisely. I am not sure everything's fine. How would I know? Last time I had miscarriage without any symptoms... 

[ElenaO]

I'm feeling depressed at times. All I do is so trivial, routine and very far from anything termed even related to "thriving". I don't think I've actually thriven truly, except for very difficult times when I put myself into very limiting and pressuring situations. But back then I've thriven in terms of efficiency and growth, not in terms of feeling good or happy, content. 
I think to thrive you need to develop a plan which forces you to perform. On the other hand, it all depends on how you define thrive and in which domain. You also usually just have this feeling that you're moving in the right direction and you feel uplifted. I'm missing this right now. Probably mostly because of pregnancy and mostly because of getting into a rut.  

[ElenaO]

Luke had a meltdown today before bed at night. He cried that he wants socks and doesn't want socks. It went on for like 15-20 minutes. At some point I felt so desperate to leave and just give up on everything. It was tough. It's the end of the day, Carl is away, he went to Spokane. In the end it doesn't matter that much that he's gone, I think I've just been feeling low lately in general and feeling like I want to survive and run away from things. I just want to be and not do anything for anyone. I felt guilt that I couldn't stay there completely with him. I also felt so sad for him, because he was sobbing and he probably feels very strong emotions and I am of no help. In the end he went to sleep around 8:30 pm, which is super late for him. He's usually in bed by 8:10-8:20 at the latest.
I started wondering what did I do wrong today that may have triggered this. Yes, I talked to my mom while with him, when they came back from the walk. So I didn't pay all the attention to him. I also know that he was tired. I also forced him to do a quick sink bath, he did not want to, really resisted it, but his feet were dusty from the walk. So I felt it was necessary but of course I hate forcing him. It sucks. 
I generally feel just not great about myself for some time now. I cannot do anything related to my technical knowledge, because I don't have enough time. I also feel guilty about this. I go on walks to relax and do not sit down at the computer solving leetcode. 
 

[ElenaO]

We came back from the class with Luke. We take a coop class called mindful Mondays. The teacher is nice, the kids not so much so. 
I feel somewhat tired now and should go rest because I need it, but don't feel like. These classes unsettle me and I cannot relax easily. 
Today was surprisingly easy. Maybe because kids weren't as aggressive (Luke is pretty timid in those situations, when someone takes his toys). Also I just took it easier and tried not to stress too much. 
Now I feel also a bit restless because I feel guilty that I'm not doing the right things. I am eating grapes instead of going to go rest or do something more useful, like practice leetcode. I generally feel out of place because I don't do a lot of meaningful 
 

[ElenaO]

It was a challenging day. I'm already too tired since the weekend was more intense as Carl was away. Luke was fell in the morning and hurt his lip (and possibly something else in the mouth) and he cried on and off the whole morning. We did not go out at all which almost never happens. It was tough. I hap to show a lot of patience. 
Now in the evening I had 2 small gushes of water coming out and it was scary! Now of course I am worried whether this means miscarriage, early labor or something else. ooooh. 

I feel despair and upset. I am already not in a great state, but this makes me feel very upset: if another miscarriage happens I just want to die.  

[ElenaO]

I've been robbed today on my walk... It feels horrible. Fortunately I was alone without Luke. Two young guys got out of a car and one of them showed me his gun and said give me the purse. I first didn't understand what he wants and then seeing the gun I got it. I gave him all. 
It feels horrible because I'm afraid how can I protect Luke in such situations. It's a "safe" neighborhood I thought. 
I also think Carl doesn't take this seriously enough and doesn't spend enough time talking to me about it. I should tell him that. 
 

[ElenaO]

Luke's sick. Again. I got worried today because he's been sleeping the whole day. And didn't want to do anything at all, I could get him to drink twice throughout the day, and then Carl got some Gatorade for him, so he drank that in the evening. 
I also got worried because he didn't react to ibuprofen, the fever didn't go down. He's rarely if ever in this state. It happened just once before when he had the stomach bug. 
Carl installed chandelier in the living room, it's kind of nice but I thought it would be even nicer. Maybe we still need to tweak the light bulbs. 

Luke started putting multiple words together and sometimes he says even sentences. I'm not sure if he composes them himself or just repeats what we say. 
I feel baby's kicks too. Which is very reassuring. I have anatomy ultrasound on Nov 20th and that would tell us more about the baby, how well developed he is.