Motherhood

[ElenaO]

We may start moving to one nap with Luke starting tomorrow. I am anxious of doing it because I know it won't be easy. Even writing about it now makes me feel unease and worry. How is Luke going to take not sleeping for 5 hours straight? Will he cry and be overtired when going for his one and only nap? (I think he will be overtired there's no way around :().

My Mom's hands aren't doing better even with the steroid shot she's got. I saw her hands today and they looked scary because of the inflammation. I have no idea who's she is dealing with it. I felt sad and bad for her (which I rarely do, I guess). It feels like she's getting older and she's seriously aging and it made me feel like the end isn't far  
 

[ElenaO]

Oh so tired. Mostly emotionally. I feel like any cry or disapproval from Luke bothers me a ton and causes so much guilt. All that tripping while walking -  I am constantly worried that he's going to fall and hurt himself. I also really don't like the crying it makes me sad. I always apologize to Luke if there's something I am doing that we need to get done - I probably shouldn't be apologizing. It's an ocean filled with worry, guilt, and love. Today my amygdala is overly sensitive, maybe because I havent slept enough, maybe because I was anxious about moving to one nap. Either way, every day is hard work. 

 

[ElenaO]

We moved to one nap yesterday. Surprisingly it's going pretty well so far. Worried though that this will show its consequences in a day or two when Luke gets all too overtired. It does feel like world was turned upside down - all of our routines are changed. I feel somewhat exhausted in the mornings because I am used to have a break around 9:45am, now it's until 11:15 that we are rocking and rolling until it's time for a nap.
I sleep poorly. Worrisome dreams every night, worrying about Luke also. It's somewhere in the subconscious not within my control.

[ElenaO]

I did breathwork yesterday and had a strong release at one point. I felt like something's stuck in my chest and I released it through sobbing. It was hard to sob because my husband was downstairs and I wouldn't want him hearing it. 
I am sick with some sort of cold or flu, so not feeling great. Yet I slept relatively well last night because of the emotional release, probably? But I messed up my day by eating too much chocolate again (thought it wouldn't happen, but it was home made and apparently too strong for me). So I was all jittery in the evening and exhausted. I realize that when my husband cooks for me (burgers and chocolate today) I don't do so well with the food. But if I tell him that he won't like it and we have had fights for the last 2 days already
Luke is super cute. And he understands much more now, so I'll attempt to teach him more on limits and discipline. He tries to flip on the carpet which is extremely cute. I guess it's something that children do when understand they can do it. It's super funny when he does the downward facing dog and looks underneath his body  

[ElenaO]

Oh man, so exhausted. I am sick and also not used to spending so much time on my feet. I barely survived today's early morning shift with Luke. He went to bed for his nap at 11:20 and I crashed into bed too. I think I was doing too many things yesterday and overestimated my capabilities. Today will be a downtime day. Will do yoga now, will eat my lunch, solve some leetcode and let my Mom take Luke on a walk. Fortunately, it's sunny now. Still very cold though.  

[ElenaO]

I am thinking to start alternating days with heavier lift and lighter lift. The lighter ones will mean laying in bed and reading and writing rather than running around and fixing things. 
It's still cold and windy here. We may go to Portland at the end of the month. Planned for LA first, but considering the flight length and everything involved I'd rather skip it. Portland sounds a little more manageable. Maybe I am coward? I may start challenging myself in these regards. But then again I am so exhausted on daily basis that I don't know if more is always more. 

[ElenaO]

Luke has turned 1.5 3 days ago. He also got sick on the same day so annoying, frustrating and gets me angry. He's not feeling good and behaves accordingly. I also got sick and it drives me nuts when he's crying...
On the positive side he speaks some words! he said Aara yesterday! When I was pointing at the parrot picture we have in the bathroom. He's also super cute with his little dances and moves while eating and enjoying it. He also tries to tell me so many things. He loves running in front of me when we go on walks. He's so happy then. 

[ElenaO]

Guess what. I am pregnant again. And constantly worried I'll have another miscarriage too...
I found out on March 22nd. Exactly 3 months ago I found I am pregnant too. But that time I lost the baby. I think I wrote about it above.

Luke is super super cute. He's truly an angel. He gives us air kisses if you kiss him sometimes, or he just does it on his own sometimes. Sometimes I am too caught up in myself and I forget he's a person on his own. I just want him to do what I need/want. I also get angry and irritated at times, when tired and now probably because of pregnancy.

He has stranger suspicion at parks and other places. I do not push him in any way. Let him figure it out on his own. I'll provide the environment but I won't do anything to push him. 
We decided with Carl that I'll start speaking mostly English to Luke, because now Luke mostly says words in Russian (or part of the words, for the most part). So he says he's missing out and doesn't get any of it. Well, it makes it easier for me.  

[Something Funny]

@ElenaO wow, I've just read the whole thing and think that it's really cool that you documented your journey here.

In the beginning you didn't sound like you would ever want to repeat this process again, did your opinion change now? What made you decide to have a second kid?

Edit: also, did doctors tell you why did you have the miscarriage / what went wrong?

Edited March 30, 2023 by Something Funny

[ElenaO]

On 3/30/2023 at 1:16 AM, Something Funny said:

@ElenaO wow, I've just read the whole thing and think that it's really cool that you documented your journey here.

In the beginning you didn't sound like you would ever want to repeat this process again, did your opinion change now? What made you decide to have a second kid?

Edit: also, did doctors tell you why did you have the miscarriage / what went wrong?

Thank you for reading my journal! I know! I am surprised myself I ever decided to have a second child. It was a horribly difficult time when my baby was small. But apparently people pass these periods and they forget how it was. I have to confess that it's mainly my husband who wants the second child. I am completely OK to go both ways. 

The doctors don't exactly know why I had a miscarriage. It's all guesses. Their guess is that the baby had some chromosomal disorder, but of course I didn't get tested for it, so we don't know. But that's the most common cause for it. 

You seem interested in being a parent. Do you have kids or planning to have kids?

[ElenaO]

On 3/30/2023 at 1:16 AM, Something Funny said:

@ElenaO wow, I've just read the whole thing and think that it's really cool that you documented your journey here.

In the beginning you didn't sound like you would ever want to repeat this process again, did your opinion change now? What made you decide to have a second kid?

Edit: also, did doctors tell you why did you have the miscarriage / what went wrong?

Thank you for reading my journal! I know! I am surprised myself I ever decided to have a second child. It was a horribly difficult time when my baby was small. But apparently people pass these periods and they forget how it was. I have to confess that it's mainly my husband who wants the second child. I am completely OK to go both ways. 

The doctors don't exactly know why I had a miscarriage. It's all guesses. Their guess is that the baby had some chromosomal disorder, but of course I didn't get tested for it, so we don't know. But that's the most common cause for it. 

You seem interested in being a parent. Do you have kids or planning to have kids?

[ElenaO]

So I am dog tired on a daily basis. And sleepy. Most of the day I feel like I want to go crush in bed. And I do spend quite some time in bed. And I have even no energy to read even though I really want. Most of the time I just close my eyes and lie down. 
I'm also irritable because of tiredness. But I really really hope the fate will spare me of nausea this time around. It isn't fun to be  fatigured but nausea is 10X times worse. Seriously. I really hope I don't have to go through this. 
Luke has been irritable for the last week, it may be teething? It's hard when you cannot ask him what exactly is going on.

[Something Funny]

9 hours ago, ElenaO said:

Thank you for reading my journal!

No problem it was very interesting to read.

9 hours ago, ElenaO said:

I am surprised myself I ever decided to have a second child. It was a horribly difficult time when my baby was small. But apparently people pass these periods and they forget how it was. I have to confess that it's mainly my husband who wants the second child. I am completely OK to go both ways. 

I see. You sound like a great mom, so I am sure you will do great. If kids should be born to anyone it's to people like you I think.

9 hours ago, ElenaO said:

You seem interested in being a parent. Do you have kids or planning to have kids?

Idk honestly. Sometimes I feel excited by the idea of having a child and raising it, and can fantasize about it here and there. But also sometimes I feel like dedicating my life to myself, haha.

In any case, if I will every have kids, it will probably be in my late 30s / early 40s, because I would like to be the best dad I can for them.

[Something Funny]

Also, as a sidenote, I think that having siblings is really great. I don't know what I would do without my sister and brother. 

Edited April 4, 2023 by Something Funny

[ElenaO]

On 4/4/2023 at 7:13 AM, Something Funny said:

No problem it was very interesting to read.

I see. You sound like a great mom, so I am sure you will do great. If kids should be born to anyone it's to people like you I think.

Idk honestly. Sometimes I feel excited by the idea of having a child and raising it, and can fantasize about it here and there. But also sometimes I feel like dedicating my life to myself, haha.

In any case, if I will every have kids, it will probably be in my late 30s / early 40s, because I would like to be the best dad I can for them.

Thank you, you are so encouraging. Honestly I do not know if I am a great mom. I do definitely think that some women must enjoy it more than me, so it comes easier to them and it's also just better parenting, because they enjoy it more. But who knows, it's all my guesses. But thank you for your kind words! 

Oh yes - I know the dilemma of having children or living your life for yourself. I had to ponder on it myself. Each one is a worthwhile path. However, I have to say that I did grow quite a lot from having a child, not sure if I had have I not had my son. 

[ElenaO]

On 4/4/2023 at 1:57 PM, Something Funny said:

Also, as a sidenote, I think that having siblings is really great. I don't know what I would do without my sister and brother. 

That's very encouraging too. That's so lucky of you guys to have this precious relationship. 

Edited April 11, 2023 by ElenaO

[ElenaO]

Still no nausea. So strange. With my previous pregnancies I was heading towards that hole at this point where I don't feel like anything. Right now I cannot say I feel super great, but it's infinitely better than what's usual for me in this situation. Which makes me wonder if the pregnancy is going well. 
I've scheduled appointments with OB assistants and will see what they say about it.
And I just got my hair highlighted last Thursday! It looks awesome, in my opinion. It kind of makes me look like a Scandinavian, with sort of blonde hair and blue eyes. (I'm actually a brunette.)

Apparently I am 6 weeks and 3 days in.

Edited April 11, 2023 by ElenaO

[ElenaO]

OK, so I may be having another miscarriage. To be known for sure on the weekend. That's when the results for the second hCG test should come in. The nurse will compare the results from today's test and Friday's test and see if the levels are growing. Honestly, it's strange I have no nausea and my hCG levels are indeed very low! I took a pregnancy test today and the line was super-super faint. Like almost more faint then pre-period when I took the test. I am disappointed. My husband is more so. He told me he actually cried the last time I had miscarriage. He never mentioned it before until today. He hasn't cried in like tens of years. To be seen...

[ElenaO]

So it looks like my hCG aren't that low after all. I tested yesterday at the lab and they are over 10k in value. It turns out the batch from amazon of pregnancy tests were defective. How crazy. It would have saved us some gray hair and worry if they weren't. But we are also overreacting because we've been through a miscarriage already.
But how are things going is yet to be seen. I am going for another test tomorrow to see the trend. To be seen... again.

[Something Funny]

I hope everything goes well. But no matter the outcome I think you shouldn't blame yourself, there are things that we can't really control in life.

And it's also not nice of your husband to let all his frustration out onto you.

Edited April 14, 2023 by Something Funny