Motherhood

[ElenaO]

@Preety_India I am not sure if she's a narcissist. I wouldn't go that far. But she definitely lacks some awareness of how she invalidates my feelings and struggles. On the other hand, I am just going insane handling the child alone right now. Literally insane. 
So a few hours of break is something I desperately need.  

[ElenaO]

Today was hard. I let my mom stay home, the weather isn't nice. Plus, she drives me nuts. 

Luke kept being fussy, crying, demanding. I cannot discern: is it reflux, being overtired, going through some growth. I am so tired. 

He bites me while breastfeeding, pulls the nipple, which makes me very anxious - with all this pain will I be able to continue to breastfeed? But if I don't, will he need a lot of milk to fall asleep? I don't want to overfeed him, he is already suffering from reflux. 

Luke slept a long stretch this night. After what seems a long break. I hope for the same in the future. 

I don't know why people promote having children. 

[ElenaO]

My mom came to help yesterday and today and I felt so much better. I felt normal for at least some amount of time, while Luke was on a walk. I still feel a lot of anxiety and sadness in the evenings and at nights. Luke wakes up at nights (last night at 11PM, 3AM, 5AM, 6:45AM) and I could put him back to sleep 2 times out of four with a pacifier. But there's always an anxiety, what if it doesn't work? My breasts are hurting and I am anxious about overusing them.

[ElenaO]

Last and the previous nights were just horrible. Luke would wake up so often, I would try to soothe him with the pacifier. I felt so much desperation, like nothing's working. I feel worst in the evenings and at nights. I wonder how much of it has to do with darkness and hormones. 

They say pepcid can take weeks to start working. 

My mom keeps invalidating that Luke has a reflux and that's the cause. Well, that's because she doesn't see him at night or evenings when he's miserable... His crying is so heartbreaking. We are both miserable. 

I spoke the sleep consultant yesterday and she said that it's not smart to start sleep training before Luke's 6 months old. I agree. To add to this, he already has enough to deal with. 

At night I have all these dark thoughts that drive me crazy. I just want to run away. I have an incredible hopelessness and fear that this will never end. Each day is such a dread. 

Luke is 16 weeks today. I wonder how he'll feel at 18 weeks. Would this problem be solved? I just want my honey to feel better. 

[ElenaO]

I tried sleeping with Luke in the same bed, because he kept waking up the entire night. 
I think I won't do it anymore, or at least not for this long. It's dangerous. Plus, it's not like I am getting so much sleep from it. 
I'll still use this strategy in the mornings when he wakes up at 5AM and stay with him until 8AM if he can sleep in my arms. 

[mememe]

@ElenaO did you try all the relax stuff which is usually recommended for babies? like there is this baby floating tank where they get a intrauterine feeling it’s some kind of bucket. bathing in general would probably be relaxing before sleeping.

babymassage is like heaven for all his muscles which constantly cramp if he’s crying a lot, he’s not trained yet to relax from his mind, so somato motoric/sensoric short circuits are much more relevant. massage is also nice for his inner organs and bloating. and overall skin contact is relaxing. he might cry in the beginning.

how do you carry him around? did you try carrying him close to you for the whole day yet in a babycarrier?

and the last thing is did you try to puc him? there are also loose puc sleeping bags which are not as tight - maybe it’s at least sth to try for the night.

do you listen to music together, how are your rituals? do you dance? do baby sports? sing?

supposing you use the journal mainly for stress release you might not talk about that stuff and you both probably have some fun inbetween.

good luck you both, you probably are a really good mom, finding out about the bottles and stuff,you already solved so many problems.

[ElenaO]

We do take a bath before sleeping. However, I think it makes him more tense rather. Maybe I need to experiment with other things in terms of bathing.

I do just a little massage for his belly. 

He hates the carrier. I tried multiple times and gave up. I also want to be sure his head is supported well enough, even though I'd think he's ready.

He have been having much much less fun times. Mainly because of the hell that broke a few weeks ago with the reflux. 

Thank you! I am still such a rookie... Poor baby, he has to deal with a mom who has no clue. I feel like I may be messing this child up. And it's a scary feeling...

[ElenaO]

All I can do right now is cry. I feel so bad. Meds aren't working (yet?). My baby isn't feeling great, I am not feeling great, it's dark and I don't know for how long will this last. I know it can be worse than that, for example, getting covid on top of all of this, but I am still miserable.

Luke wouldn't fall asleep for nap today and drank all of his pumped milk within the first half which usually lasts for the entire day. I took him on a walk in the morning and he slept for 30 minutes, then my mom took him and he slept for another 45. This isn't enough for him. He's very fussy, perhaps, because he sleeps so badly at night. I held him this night from 4AM until 8AM. He woke up at 9PM but I could get him back to sleep, then at 1:30AM when I fed him and let him fall asleep on me. We were back to our own beds by 3AM I think, but then he woke up again crying at 4AM. 

I am exhausted and feel down. I want some little improvement. I also argued with my mom, she doesn't try to remember what I am telling her (how to use things) and she thinks she doesn't need to listen to me. It's so frustrating.

I spoke to a therapist over the phone for 10 minutes. I doubt she had to deal with the same issues as I did, since she didn't sound too empathetic. She's like yeah: it can be hard with lack of sleep and small children. No shit it can be hard! It IS f*king very hard. 

I just pray for pepcid to kick in. 

[mememe]

On 7.1.2022 at 3:20 AM, ElenaO said:

He hates the carrier. I tried multiple times and gave up. I also want to be sure his head is supported well enough, even though I'd think he's ready.

He have been having much much less fun times. Mainly because of the hell that broke a few weeks ago with the reflux. 

Thank you! I am still such a rookie... Poor baby, he has to deal with a mom who has no clue. I feel like I may be messing this child up. And it's a scary feeling...

oh, is it only carrier or do you also have a sling? with a sling you can experiment more with different methods and head support. in asia they oftentimes don’t have carriages at all and only carriers and slings, so i suppose the babies get used to it after a while. the positive thing about it that he‘s upright which might help with the reflux.

i lived with a friend and her baby for a while, and it’s all a lot of try and error stuff on a very sensible level, i know.

every mom does it the first time and has no clue. especially because every baby is also very different - i don’t think you mess your child up, it sounds more like you are a bit insecure, and are very attentive, too, which makes you worry. but they cry and have problems no matter what, you can just find out how to soothe some of their issues, and for a lot of issues it’s good enough that you are there, at that moment you can’t do more than that.

i read in this book that they sometimes apply herbal meds as a pack on the breast just before brestfeading, so the child gets something like a homeopathic dose of the meds, you could try camomile and fennel (the camomille could also soothe your other issues). they also recommend mothers to after foods chew on half a teaspoon of fennel, ajuwan, dill seeds and cumin seeds 10g each mixture against any stomach issues. unfortunately they didn’t say anything about reflux. don’t know if this helps, wish you good luck with finding the source for the reflux.

you will find methods that fit you both over time - anyways how long do you know each other for ?

you just met, and already most of your time is invested in learning to know each other, some starting difficulties are pretty normal, i guess.

Edited January 8, 2022 by mememe

[ElenaO]

@mememe
It's the carrier, haven't tried the sling. But I bet Luke won't like the sling even more, because even in the carrier he feels like he's trapped and is trying to get out. He also hits his head against me all the time, because he's fussy. 
Thank you for suggestions on the herbs. I am worried I would do something wrong there, so I'll hold on with that. 

I don't know if this is normal. I compare to what I see in other mothers. Their babies are chill, at least it seems to me. Obviously I am a first time mom and have no clue about babies, but to me it looks like they have it easier. 

[ElenaO]

To me it looks like pepcid is making Luke feel worse rather than better. He's more agitated than usual. He cried more yesterday evening and slept less than ever since this all started. He's scratched his head all over with his nails. It looks horrible. I've never seen this before. He's scratched himself before but not as much. He's clearly agitated more. 

We will be speaking to my husband's brother over zoom today. I was trying to get out of it this morning, but my husband got upset. I mean I have enough to deal with. 
I am feeling better when my mom's out with Luke, walking him. Am I just freaking out? Is it PPD/PPA? Chocolate definitely makes me feel better though, but it's a double edged sword - it may also affect Luke. At least the chocolate I eat doesn't have soy or dairy, so those are ruled out. 

My mother is moving closer to us tomorrow. This will be a relief I hope. She won't have to travel so much. But it terrifies me that I depend so much on her - what if anything happens and she cannot come help??? OMG!

[mememe]

@ElenaO you can do much more wrong with the pharmaceutical than with the herbs. from what i read you could even mix in camomile tea in your breast milk in the bottle. 

some children are very sensitive. maybe you both are even a bit similar 

if he is very fussy, maybe really try to wrap him once like they do when pucking a child but less tight. i‘m not sure about it either. you also need to give him time to accomodate to stuff he is not used to at first - it’s just basic stuff i can read about, some children really like it when they feel all tucked,  and i really don’t know if that works, i‘m not a mom. its just stuff i would try, it sounds so easy if still self confident doesn’t it 

i know how nerve wrecking it can get though. and he doesn’t give you much other options than trying everything that gives you a bit of rest.

and ofc you only try what you want to try, i don’t want to give you extra stress. its supposed to be help, might be i’m overdoing it a bit.

good luck you both

Edited January 8, 2022 by mememe

[mememe]

@ElenaO hi sorry to write here again. i really want to help you both and i read again a bit. so the common selfhelp recommendations are:

• ruling out cow milk allergies and other allergies in the nutrition of the mother which are transported through the milk (you probably already tested on that) i‘d read about that more if i was you (what is supportive nutrition, like herbal teas etc)
• upright position of the child after food for extended period 30mins at least
• hasty drinking is not supportive so as less bottle feeding as possible (thats a tough one probably) 
• and if bottle as less as possible air in the area of the bottlehead so the child does not swallow so much air
• on the philips website they have an article about baby reflux (i know but still) they recommended putting some rice cereal or milk thickener into the bottled milk
• and as its often happening in the night - it might help to get a special mattress for babies where the baby does not lie flat but more upright with support

that‘s the basics i could find - i so hope you find a solution. there is also a book about reflux problems with babies.

Edited January 10, 2022 by mememe

[ElenaO]

@mememe The chamomile probably wouldn't hurt, but I wouldn't do it without the pediatric approval. I am too afraid of messing something up. I know certain herbs are a no-no during pregnancy and lactation (ofc not chamomile). 

Thank you for those suggestions, it's something I know about already. I've read probably all of the internet on the topic  Which I bet actually adds to my anxiety, so I decided I won't look into it anymore. 
 

[ElenaO]

The doubting of whether pepcid works/not working, whether it's adding more troubles rather than help us, makes my head spin. I slept poorly. Worse than Luke. He actually slept pretty well last night, I think. 

Last night he was very very fussy and I couldn't breastfeed him, because he would just pull my breasts. I stop this behavior immediately, because I know of the consequences. The only good time to feed him is after a nap, and even then it's not a full proof solution that he'll be patient. I know, I messed him up myself with the bottles. But who knew? And I need/needed rest and Luke would be crying, so the bottle was the only solution to console him back then when my husband was with him. Plus, the whole breastfeeding situation was horrible in the beginning. Now it's better, except for the fact that now Luke is smarter and doesn't want to wait for let down.

One big win today (and I hope it sticks!!!) is getting Luke asleep indoors. OMG. It feels like such a relief. I don't know if this would work in the future, but it worked twice today. I use the exercise ball (bought the right size one for myself, because using husband's made it so much harder) and a pacifier. No bottles, no milk!! YESSS! I bounce on the bottle and hold the pacifier in Luke's mouth. Bouncing for about 5 minutes gets him asleep. Granted, he shouldn't be overtired when this happens, so I tried to do it 1h after he woke up from the last nap. He naps for 25-30 minutes.

 

 

[ElenaO]

I am feeling so overly confident now, so that I am just wasting my time now while my mom is on a walk with Luke. Now that I got Luke to sleep (twice!) with my method it feels like everything's solved. Which is wrong, I bet. I should go nap, do yoga, meditate, instead I am sitting here at my computer and eating chocolate. 

I bet the evening won't be as fun. But I'll switch things up - feeding Luke only after naps. No more fussy-time feeding: no-no-no! 

[Raptorsin7]

@ElenaO I think it's okay to simply enjoy your small victory in any way you see fit (:

Maybe order a great meal too why you're at it haha

[ElenaO]

@Raptorsin7 thank you I am so happy! This small victory definitely helps with my mood a ton!

[ElenaO]

I am going to talk to a therapist today. I am not sure how good she is, but I gotta try. She didn't sound overly empathetic on the phone. 
What does she know/remember? It's hard to empathize once you are out of this hell.

I am going to tell her that evenings and nights are the worst for me. And the fact that I am so jealous of all other people around me. Which was never a thing! For the last 15 years probably I always thought I had it really good and others are just somehow missing. I remember how I was crying 2 weeks ago (and many other days too) on the Christmas eve and looking into the window of the house across from us. They were having Christmas dinner and I was so jealous that I cannot have this stable normal life. It's like someone stole it from me and I am trapped in a prison. This sort of mood comes in the evenings for me. And in the mornings too. I was on a walk with Luke yesterday morning around 7-8AM and saw a few couples walking with coffee in their hands. I was so jealous: I want to go on a walk with my husband and get coffee and be carefree! Only you don't appreciate it when you have it...

 

[ElenaO]

The session with Lori the therapist went above my expectations. Reasonable person and the style of communication are similar to mine.

She taught me of 4 square technique to relax and breathe. I tested it and it works if I do it right. I am struggling with the middle step of holding your breath and relaxing your body.

Now the question is how do I get Luke off the bottle? Will he get enough food then? That also means I'd have to feed him at least every 2 hours, because they should be small feedings. I could try to do this for a few days, just breastfeed, no bottle. That would also mean that it will be mostly me with Luke and just short periods when my mom or husband would be with him. 

We had couple of fights with my husband at night and in the morning. He feels like I am blaming him and shushing him. I do shush him in the bedroom, because I am afraid of getting Luke awake. At 4AM he took Luke downstairs and started putting him to sleep. I heard him crying for some time but eventually he did fall asleep. I tried to get him asleep earlier after night feeding, but when burping him he got awaken. 

I feel like my hands can fall off, if I just resort on the bouncing technique. But I still want to wait a little before sleep training. He's such a small baby still.