Motherhood

[mememe]

@ElenaO i have an ayurvedic book about pregnancy preparation, pregnancy and esrly motherhood where they describe three different kinds of nipple packs and recommendation for breastfeeding issues. 

Ayurvedic Garbha Sanskar in English - by Shri Balaji Tambe

if you are interested. don’t know if it helps as the book contains mainly tips during pregnancy, so if you don’t want a second child you might want to sell it shortly after the first year again, maybe you can find a used one. i strongly recommend ayurvedic practices for all tissue issues, it might also contain help for loosing weight after pregnancy. and axurvedic baby massage will relax your baby, there are separate books for that.

or you could contact an ayurvedic practitioner for recommendations.

and from my personal intuition, i‘d try a relax day for you both together in bed with a lot of skin contact without outside stress. you could give an ayurvedic baby massage and try changing the time for brest feeding and all the other tips they give if the baby doesn’t drink. like a meditation practice for you both. a breast feeding retreat with no interference of mom or husband except for food support.

Edited December 16, 2021 by mememe

[ElenaO]

@mememe Thank you for taking the time to write and the recommendations.
A lot of the products I use are natural and have been recommended by lactation consultants. So I don't think there's much to improve on this. 

In terms of day with the baby in bed, we anyway spent most of the day together, no interference with anyone. And we do have skin to skin contact, maybe not 100% of it. I can try to increase the contact though, maybe it'll help. I think the root issue is that the baby prefers the bottle, because he's smarter now and wants the easiest solution. And that messes up the latch. So it's a vicious cycle: my breast hurts and I try to avoid too much breastfeeding, but that means more bottle, and the bottle creates even more pain. 

[ElenaO]

18 hours ago, mandyjw said:

You just know. There's a strange but cool kind of intuition around it. I braced myself for a repeat of the same intensity with the second but it never happened. I already knew how to do everything, was much more lax on co-sleeping and stuff like that, and just relaxed.

My advice is, don't even think about two right now.

My first was perpetually underweight or close to it too, but it turns out all that worry was unnecessary, he's just a small kid. I ended up having to cut things out of my diet, like dairy and tomatoes because he kept spitting up. Oatmeal is a really good food to eat more of for milk production. And relaxation is best, as much as you can. If you can't relax, don't stress about that.  I don't want to fill your journal full of advice cause I know there's WAY too much of that coming from everywhere when you're a new mom, but if you have questions feel free to PM. Good luck and it really does get SOOOO much easier. 

Interesting. I'll see if it every comes to me. I do know it would be way easier the second time around, because I was/am a complete noobie in this regard. I look back and realize how silly and naive I was for not taking classes, reading enough, watching enough about this. But sometimes you watch and hear, but don't listen. 

I am not thinking about baby number two right now. It's just that at the most dire moments it makes me wonder how did others get through this. 

Oh interesting. I don't think mine will be a small kid, cause he's growing in length like crazy, not in weight though. His father is VERY tall, while I am shorter than average. Ours is spitting up too, but I hear most of the babies do. I cut out dairy for a few days earlier and I have seen not enough evidence to say that it's causing it. 
Oh thank you for advice! I love it. I do SO hope that it gets that much easier!!

[ElenaO]

Me and my husband got booster shots yesterday and oh dear did it knock us out. We couldn't sleep almost the entire night and felt awful: fever, chills, join and muscle pain. Ibuprofen and tylenol the entire day to relieve all that. If I'd be working I'd take sick leave, but with the baby there's no such thing. 

Today was another hard day, sometimes it feels like I am going insane, especially when the baby wouldn't fall asleep. I also pulled a muscle while foam rolling and it added pain on top of everything. And I got engorgement last night too: doh, everything at the same time. 

I feel like this will never end: all this struggle and insanity. 

Luke is three months today. Three more months to go for breastfeeding. At least. 

[ElenaO]

Another tough day. I am still tired from the booster shot and missed day of sleep. Luke wouldn't take day naps and appears very unhappy. Cries a lo, sometimes histerically and wouldn't fall asleep. 

I am content with breastfeeding just at nights now, but I feel like the baby also wants the breast sometimes for comfort. I wish all of it would be more predictable. It's the uncertainty and fears and worry that make my life miserable. 

I know logically that this too shall pass but at this moment this doesn't help. 

[ElenaO]

Last night was horrible. I woke up at midnight to pump some milk for the next day and had another engorgement. I tried to massage the breast but it wouldn't go away fully, and I probably did it too strong, because the tissue was hurting afterwards. Oh dear. I don't think that "exclusively pumping" will work for me. Or at least not with the skills I have. Maybe I just don't have enough patience for the massage to work. When I do press in certain parts, I do see the milk come out, but I don't think this is the proper way, because it injures my breast. Arghh.

I woke up Luke at 2AM to feed, because I was so worried about all that. Fed him on one side and went back to sleep. Only I couldn't sleep because of all that worry. Woke again at 5AM for another feed. Luckily Luke falls asleep easily at night. Probably the Snoo has something to do with it. I went to bed and ordered few other bottles which simulate the shape of a breast. Will see if they actually make a difference. But why hasn't anyone brought this to my attention? I am actually very surprised, annoyed and mad at my LC who never brought up the paced bottle feeding, latching up to the end of the bottle, silverettes. A lot of them haven't even heard of it. Doh. I am surprised how did Luke hold up and did not have the nipple confusion up until now?!!

My mom is also very annoying. I tried to think about from a perspective and I think the reason I get so upset is because she's my mom and she's supposed to be the one who understands me. But she isn't able. Just not able. I got to accept this truth, that I should not expect much. Nothing. At least not understanding, and just ignore all her suggestions and ideas. So annoying. 

 

 

[ElenaO]

Flanging the lips to feed from the bottle seems to help. Luke is biting much less. I got medela and toco moto bottles to try. Tomorrow will try to breastfeed as much as possible, instead of using the bottles. Only morning bottles, when I am sleeping. It looks promising. I so want to just breastfeed and get rid of so much pumping all the time - it's ineffective and creates so much work.

Another challenge to conquer is daytime naps. I learned last Wednesday that rocking does the trick of getting Luke to sleep. Before the only way he went to sleep was by feeding him. I don't want to depend on that. 

I also joined PEPS group last week and we did this Wednesday a 2-hour zoom call. However, I had to drop an hour in, because Luke was very unhappy - maybe because I wasn't paying attention to him, maybe he just needed something I did not provide. I am on a fence whether to write an email and tell the organizer we won't do it, as it's for the next 12 weeks.   

[ElenaO]

So a few HARD days have passed now. Don't know how many are ahead... I took Luke to a pediatrician yesterday to check what's going on. He has no ear infection or any other infection. The doc said though that it may be the reflux. This made complete sense to me after pondering on it. He's arching his back, coughs, chokes sometimes, is very fussy. Something's clearly bothering him. I feel so bad for him, because I realize that I so many times had no idea what's going on and would let him suffer If this proves to be true, there's really no solution to GER/GERD, but to alleviate the pain by holding the baby upright more, burping, using bottles with no air. 

I watched a video on youtube and it seems like some women removed reflux by just removing dairy and caffeine. I will test that again. I've tried removing dairy before, but not caffeine. I'll try to remove both for a week and see if there's any influence.

[ElenaO]

I didn't sleep last night. I was so worried. I heard Luke all night fussing, kicking his legs with force from discomfort. I was in agony. 

It was horrible. I had this very hopeless and anxious feeling in my stomach. I feel like there's no escape and only suffering is ahead. I am dreading each day... I am looking forward to when this period of babyhood ends. When will I be able to feel fine again? Only writing this makes me cry. I cried yesterday before sleep and my husband was here hugging me. It's so incredibly difficult to have a child! 

[Zigzag Idiot]

If you're starting to feel overwhelmed have you considered getting a hormone shot?

I figure you probably have considered.

Just wanting to be supportive,,,

[ElenaO]

What type of hormone shot you mean? Some antidepressant? No way.

 

[ElenaO]

Things are crazy. But they were even more crazy for the last week. 

We got snow in Seattle and that added an extra challenge, because my mom couldn't come help. And I was torn between ordering her an uber, having her stay at our place (this is something no one wants in fact), having her not come.

Luke seems to have sleep regression because we wake up so many times at night and stay up for an hour or more sometimes. He wakes up early and then doesn't fall asleep.

[mandyjw]

Have you noticed how educated women seem to have a rougher transition to motherhood? Then women who are less intellectually inclined seem to ADORE the whole process and have so many kids they can't pay for them all? How is that possible? It's because... thought attachment. Mediation, dropping the thoughts of future, dropping the idea of his suffering and you being solely responsible for it and just sinking into the love and being are the way. I had a hellish time with my first, later on read The Power of Now and started practicing that and let go of some of the expectations I had for myself. With my second child I was so connected that the smell of her head and look at her face gave me such an elated high. She responded to my chill and was also chill. Babies feel our moods, the sense our vibrations. They don't sense how well read Mom is on vitamin D drops with no preservatives. They just love, and respond to love and basic care. You put your oxygen mask on first. You watch your mood first. You don't let his mood define and control your mood. You set the tone for him. No, you don't need a whole spa day, you can do it all on the fly. It really is all in dropping the thoughts that feel terrible to think. Don't wish the time away. You're on one heck of a meditation retreat right now. The scale of it puts all the monks brave adventures alone in a cave to shame. You got this. Great joy, love and connection are the prize at the end of this long hard road, and that's only because they are here, even right now. You got this. You already got this. 

Look in his eyes a little more. Take in the magic. Look at the impossibly tiny feet, smell his head. How is it possible? This miracle, how? You made that? Don't worry so much about him. The body is intelligence beyond anything we realize, but we interfere by over concern of it going wrong. Doing it wrong. You're not wrong. You're utter perfection, and so is he. 

[ElenaO]

That's an interesting idea Mandy. Thank you for sharing your golden nuggets  and thanks so much for support.

I'll just add, that I don't know if it's exactly true that his crying only has to do with my stressful state. I was much more chill before the whole reflux and the sleepless nights situation unraveled. Yet he wasn't doing fine. I agree that letting go and surrendering is the right thing to do, but it's easier said than done. 

It's definitely easier with the second one, because you know about things and worry less. So it's easier to be chill.

 

 

[ElenaO]

Today was better. I don't know why - either because I processed some of the stuff with breathwork, or just because I accepted that I gotta get through this and stop complaining. I think both.

We had sex with my husband today and I actually felt good. It's been SO long since the last time that I've enjoyed it. Pregnancy and birth literally dropped my desire literally to zero.

My Mom came to babysit and we went with my husband to get some chocolates from Chocolati store close by. We are going to go see a friends couple at 1PM, they also have a newborn who's 3 weeks older than Luke. I don't really want to, but I know I need to get out of my bubble.
We also canceled the trip to LA, because it was madness and naivity to think we could make it. 

Tomorrow is New Year. We celebrate it in my culture as amongst the biggest holidays. I won't do anything tomorrow, I've got enough on my plate. May drink some cider at midnight, I need to pump milk anyway.

I feel like no one understands my state: not my husband, not my mom, no one. 

[ElenaO]

I was horribly exhausted in the morning. But sort of napped in the morning while my husband was with Luke. Luke kept crying and I kept coming downstairs to argue with my husband of why he's doing such a poor job. Granted the baby isn't feeling so great right now. Either because of reflux, growth spurt, developmental leap, or all of the above. Who knows. 

Went to meet with Gagik and Stella, our friends, their child is so chill. She was just sitting in her bouncer and being mostly quiet. I am not jealous though. My child is my child and I do not compare.

We were there just for an hour but I felt refreshed afterwards. Also four squares of chocolate helped too.

[ElenaO]

I really feel like I am being tested. I am so looking forward to my normal life. Or somewhat of a normal stable life. 

My mother upsets me so much. I really cannot stand it. She invalidates a lot of what I am saying. She refuses to listen actively, she refuses to learn things such as how to use a smartphone, she has plenty of limiting beliefs and it frustrates me. Sometimes I wonder if having the child all to myself would be just easier in the end. I feel bad for her in so many ways and at the same time have a lot of anger and frustration when dealing with her. Some days I feel like I would be definitely better off without any family (that is brothers and mother). This has definitely never been my experience before as I was much more patient. 

The friends we visited yesterday have it relatively easy. They cooked some fancy food (olivie, golubtsi, blinchiki s nachinkoi) all while having no help and a child of 4 months old. How?!! I get some help from mom, she's walking the child, and while she does that I am trying to get myself to feel better.

[Zigzag Idiot]

On 12/29/2021 at 3:42 PM, ElenaO said:

What type of hormone shot you mean? Some antidepressant? No way.

 

Yeah, me too. I think antidepressants are prescribed too much and mostly just a profit scheme by big pharma. 

I thought women sometimes got estrogen and/or testosterone shots for postpartum depression, i may be mixed up about that though. I just remember a friend of mine mentioning a steroid shot of some kind she got for postpartum depression  and what a difference it made. I ran across this doing a little research to be a little more informed,  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allopregnanolone

It sounds like you're doing better or you don't consider yourself having severe postpartum depression. That's good!

[Preety_India]

7 hours ago, ElenaO said:

My mother upsets me so much. I really cannot stand it. She invalidates a lot of what I am saying. She refuses to listen actively, she refuses to learn things such as how to use a smartphone,

Seems a lot like my mother. She seems like a narcissist to me. I'm sorry you're suffering like this with your mom. It's best to avoid her as much as possible and keep zero expectations. 

Narcissist mothers never change and it seems there's a whole lot of them.

 

[ElenaO]

I wasn't diagnosed with PPD, though. Although I've never even went to my OB to report any changes since this started. I don't think I have PPD, I am just utterly exhausted. Both emotionally and physically. 
And looking for some light at the end at the tunnel. I know it's there, but the days are incredibly long.