Motherhood

[ElenaO]

We are 2 months and 3 weeks in. Life slowly starts to become easier. We are trying to track the 90 minute intervals to have Luke fall asleep at the end of it.

He's done pretty well yesterday, missing only 2 periods. Last night he slept for 8 entire hours! I feel guilty, because I think he did want food at 3:30AM but I just thought it's too early and fell back asleep. I was back up at 4:30 and woke him up. He didn't seem too hungry and I had to wake him now and again to feed.

He's growing. It's so funny how you can see the change with babies. Adults don't change drastically within weeks and months. He's extremely cute when he's babbling and talking and smiling. He has this very cute half smile. Sometimes he's really excited. It's become more of a thing recently. Perhaps 10 days ago did he start to be THIS cute.

Looking back since he was born this has been the most challenging time of my life and I would dread to redo this. On the other hand, this is how first experiences are often. I am a first time mother and wasn't prepared a iota for this challenge. 

This is an almost 24 hour job, except for the periods when the baby sleeps. But even then you are worried if he's making sounds, whether he's awake, hungry or what's going on really. 

My mom has come today to help. It's so hard for me to be respectful. I feel like she's doing things too slowly and not the way I want so I get annoyed and tell her everything I think. 

[ElenaO]

Throughout the childhood we've seen so many people to learn about babies. So far we've talked to a doula, a sleep pediatrician, been to multiple pediatric appointments, I have seen lactation consultant twice at home, twice at the Lytle center, once over zoom, once over the phone from la leche league. We've also had the tongue tie released for Luke and saw a bodywork specialist Ceci later.

 

 

[Raptorsin7]

Hey welcome back. Congrats on having a baby good luck

[ElenaO]

Thank you @Raptorsin7
Yeah, it's been a journey so far. 

[ElenaO]

@lxlichael you mean for babies? I like the The happiest baby on the block, it has some useful advice.

 

[ElenaO]

Today was hard. Woke up at midnight to pump extra milk for the baby, at three am to feed the baby, at six again to feed and then Luke wouldn't fall asleep. I don't remember ever going to sleep at 8PM and being happy about it.

Most days aren't anymore as tough though. The beginning was toughest and I had literally just fog, hoping for the day to end soon. It's still like that often. 

 

[ElenaO]

Today was a good day. Well, it's not over. The baby was smiley and happy for the most part, for the exception of the episodes when he got overtired for a couple of times. 

We went for a weigh in at the pediatric clinic. The weight is at 11 pounds 9 ounces, which isn't great, but not a dire situation. They said babies should gain one to two ounces a day. 

I discussed the au pair possibility with my husband and he's against it. He doesn't want anyone living with us. He also mentioned that I can go back to work whenever I want to. If course I can, but no one is going to care for Luke as well as I do, pretty sure. Not to say that I am great though, considering I am feeling down quite a bit. 

There's still a piece of me that resents the whole unfair game of men versus women work with raising a child. He gets to work a few hours and then he's free for the most part. I have a job nonstop which is highly emotionally and physically draining. He just left to see a friend. How many friends have I seen? None. Except for a couple which came over for an hour and that wasn't even my desire. I don't have time to stretch or wash my hair, what friend visits are we talking about. He's bought a board game, meaning for us to play it. He clearly does not understand how busy I am. I resent men for having it so easy in this regard... 

 

[ElenaO]

I had a rough night. Luke is making noises at night, and since I am a light sleeper it affects me. I woke up, fed Luke and waited for my mom to come over to help. She went on a walk with him, while I was supposed to rest. I couldn't sleep. I got up after an hour or so and went to shower. There I felt like everything just isn't going the right way: I am exhausted but cannot sleep, my milk supply keeps going up and down no matter what, Luke isn't gaining enough, my nipples are chafed and hurt, and to add to all that I am gaining weight. Doh, where's the promised weight loss while breastfeeding?! Nope, not happening. I'd have wanted to stay at the weight I was after birth, instead I've gained instead of losing. Part of it is that I am so tired every day and that makes me hungry and makes me crave things. In addition, breastfeeding generally makes you hungrier. I probably consume over 2k kcal every day. Plus, we have fights and disagreements with my husbands. Thankfully, we resolve them, but things are far from perfect. 

  

[ElenaO]

Having a child has made me realize so many things. It's the roughest time I'd ever had in my life. It thought me how hard can life get and it makes me appreciate small things more. Just a walk around the block was a gift just a month ago. 

In certain ways it would have been better to have a child earlier, because it would have thought me to be more hard working and take more responsibility.

Today I just accepted that things aren't going to be as I want them and I decided to be kinder to myself. I decided not to judge myself for doing less tummy time with Luke, walk less, have more chocolate and generally just enjoy a few things, like reading people's blogs on livejournal.

I'll have my mom come over every other day or less as I don't have a perfect relationship with her. She drives me crazy and even when I try to stay conscious of it, it's so hard! It's just so complicated in many regards: she has limited beliefs, and that triggers me, she has a say in things I am sure I know better, that triggers me too. I also know that I help her much more than she does me, and I'd rather have her take care of her things rather than helping me. But that's just not going to happen.

 

 

 

[ElenaO]

Last night Luke slept long, which gave so much needed rest. He ate at 3:30A and at 6A. I could get him to fall asleep after the last feed at 6AM, which is lucky! Usually he wouldn't fall asleep after 6AM. Perhaps the dark curtains help after all. 

However, he got overtired after that and fell asleep next time only some time after noon. We were dealing with a lot of screaming and cries. I feel so bad for him when he's feeling like that. He's tired but wouldn't fall asleep. 

Raising a child is a tough tough job. Sometimes I feel it's amongst the hardest. I read Can't Hurt Me by David Goggins and it sometimes reminds me that it's somewhat similar in terms of hardships. You gotta have that cookie jar to survive. It trains patience first and foremost. As well as emotional strength.

I always wonder how did others decide to have a second child? I feel bad saying it, but a lot of the times I have a thought of never having a second one. It's just too much. Perhaps people forget this, even though I don't think I'll ever forget how bad it can get. But who knows...

Luke is very cute now. I feel guilty of saying the above. 

 

[ElenaO]

Luke is more frustrated than usual today. He refuses the breast a lot of the times, it makes me worried. Is he all right? will we continue breastfeeding if this continues? At the same time my nipples are on fire! They are red, chafed and ready for a break.

Breastfeeding has been a huge challenge! Not only is it painful, but there's a constant worry about the supply. And then there's this pressure from everywhere to continue to breastfeed. And the guilt. 

[ElenaO]

I realize how much I have just accepted as true a lot of beliefs from my mom. Well, a good lesson for me remember in the future, also as a parent!

In Russian there's a saying: trust but check (meaning the validity). Well, this came up now when I just assumed that everything my mother was saying about parenting, breastfeeding, babies was right. Wrong! It made me fear things needlessly. For example, the fact that breastfeeding will make your teeth go bad. Wrong! That we are just not meant in family to have high milk supply. Wrong! That parenting is wonderful and a piece of cake. Wrong! There are so many others. It makes me upset and angry with her! She believes these wholeheartedly but she's hurt me by brainwashing me with them. Well, gotta learn: trust but check!

[ElenaO]

Something's not right. The baby is fussier than usual and cries quite a lot. He's not himself. He also pretty much refuses to breastfeed. This is so hard... I feel bad for him and for myself. I wonder if it's thrush (I cannot see anything in the mouth) or something else. My strategy is to keep pumping as much as I can and go on walks so he could sleep.

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

I've never had children but it's something I've thought a lot about from time to time. I know what it's like to be sleep deprived and under stress and how irritability often creeps in. My mother experienced postpartum depression after I was born I was told. One of my favorite Authors uses the work of Margaret Mahler in his overall Teaching. Mahler did quite a bit of research on what's going on between infant and mother.

https://www.diamondapproach.org/glossary/refinery_phrases/merging-love 

Hope the days ahead smooth out for you and your baby. Your allowed to be angry or frustrated if that arises. Feel it fully so you can then let it go. Don't let guilt divide you against yourself. You seem wise so you probably already know to do that.

Bless you and thank you for sharing,,,,

[mandyjw]

Hugs! I have two, it all gets much easier, and much more fun. 

Breastfeeding becomes much easier too, I loved using my boppy pillow in with a chair with arms and then just chilled out. It gives you the breaks you need. Now I almost miss it even. But at first, it was SO rough. Hard to imagine it goes from so difficult to enjoyable but it will. Take the pressure off and relax. Trust your own intuition. 

[ElenaO]

@Zigzag Idiot I had no idea it would be like that. Thank you very much for all supportive words. I appreciate it.

I've been sleep deprived at some point but not for such long periods of time. I am pretty sure I have baby blues, because things are so uncertain, everything's scary, there's a newborn you are responsible for and you have no idea of how to do anything. It's a mess. And I don't understand how we are not given all the education beforehand. I took it too lightly, certainly.

[ElenaO]

@mandyjw thank you!

I always wonder how did people decide to have a second one after having such a rough journey with the first?

I don't think breastfeeding will get easier for me, unfortunately... It's still very painful and there's constant worry about losing milk supply. It's a mess and I am totally looking forward to when the baby won't depend on milk so much. Right now I feel a LOT of pressure because of it. Plus, our baby is a little underweight.

 

[ElenaO]

Today was another hard day. There's so much uncertainty around so many things. I don't know if I am producing enough milk, I don't know if the baby's getting enough. I don't know if I am not providing him enough comfort throughout the day. I also feel like it's hopeless at times. It's the depression talking. When he cries it breaks my heart.

I realize that I've put myself into such a vulnerable spot: how can I now live peacefully? I feel so much heartache when he's not happy and cries. Perhaps it's also because I am not feeling great myself: I did not get enough sleep, I feel tired, confused, desperate, sad.

My baby is so vulnerable too and he depends fully on me. When I looked at him today all I could do was cry. I feel so bad for him when he's not happy...

 

 

[mandyjw]

20 hours ago, ElenaO said:

@mandyjw thank you!

I always wonder how did people decide to have a second one after having such a rough journey with the first?

You just know. There's a strange but cool kind of intuition around it. I braced myself for a repeat of the same intensity with the second but it never happened. I already knew how to do everything, was much more lax on co-sleeping and stuff like that, and just relaxed.

My advice is, don't even think about two right now.

My first was perpetually underweight or close to it too, but it turns out all that worry was unnecessary, he's just a small kid. I ended up having to cut things out of my diet, like dairy and tomatoes because he kept spitting up. Oatmeal is a really good food to eat more of for milk production. And relaxation is best, as much as you can. If you can't relax, don't stress about that.  I don't want to fill your journal full of advice cause I know there's WAY too much of that coming from everywhere when you're a new mom, but if you have questions feel free to PM. Good luck and it really does get SOOOO much easier. 

[ElenaO]

22 hours ago, modmyth said:

This is something I've often thought about. It's one of the factors that originally made me want to just nope out of this whole kids thing, though it was not primarily the main factor. Then I realized that I likely couldn't do what my mom did: which was work all of the time, take care of a good portion of the house upkeep time and energy wise (cooking from scratch, keeping the house clean to her standard), keeping my brother and I on top of academics (I was low maintenance but my brother was not here and in general, but she gave us both extracurricular work and would also keep an eye on our work just generally) and then to keep doing this for years and years. She also managed to have a life outside of that. My parents shared responsibilities but I was aware that it was never that close to really being an "equal" decision of labour... I recognize preemptively that I don't have a thick enough skin when it comes to constant environmental stress and activity, hyperactive kids, noise, and sleep deprivation, etc.

I remember hearing a common enough sentiment: you generally don't gain a great understanding/ empathy for your parents until you become one for yourself. Do you think that's true?

Interesting that you actually thought about it deeply. Meaning that you'll have to do the job mainly by yourself. I, of course, heard it but never really thought it would happen to me. Like really. How naive. Motherhood made me realize so many things and one of them is to actually listen and ponder if what people are saying is true. Perhaps it is since so many mention it. 

I think you have a super awesome mom. Not everyone is like that. I for sure resent certain things about my mom and judge her, more than ever now, in fact. Though she's a pretty good one! But fell short on a few things in my opinion. She's just a different person than I am, so I cannot expect the same, but it still annoys the crap out of me.

I would say I have empathy generally for parents. Not for my mom so much, cause according to her everything was just wonderful. BS. She just forgot all about it. 

So did you decide not to have kids in the end? 

 

PS we resolved quite a lot of the issues with my husband by now. I do not resent him and actually value how he's helping now. But it took lots of work and arguments to get where we are.