How to help a partner who has an anxiety disorder?

[Jack_Clark]

So recently my partner has been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, she often catastrophizes situations, and is often fearful and apprehensive about many situations which I normally would not worry about. I am not sure how to help her, the things I do to help my mental health; journaling, meditation, exercise, creative work, spending time with friends, etc. these are not things she is particularly interested in, as she is so focused on trying to "solve" the things which are causing her anxiety. What I mean by trying to "Solve" the things causing her anxiety are mostly thinking about things constantly.

For example at the moment my partner and I are looking to move into a new flat because our lease is coming to an end soon, her solution to "solving" this problem is to browse property websites all day, and generally ruminating about it and continuously asking me "what if we don't get a house we like", she has broken down crying a dozen different occasions because she doesn't think we will find a place. My estimation of the situation is that; we are already going to property viewings, and will eventually find a place we like enough to move into, and if we can't we have some backup plans like staying with friends and family for a while, etc. My concern is that the way she is going about trying to solve the naive cause of her anxiety is actually the process through which she perpetuates the anxiety (in trying to solve the thing she thinks is causing her anxiety, i.e. the ambiguity of where we are going to live, she actually reinforces her anxiousness in general).

Additionally she has initiated a few arguments because she wants me to be more worried about some of these things than I am. I am not really sure how to help her as the things I use to help myself are things she refuses to try herself, I try to comfort her as best I can, and love her as best I can, but I havn't been particularly effective so far, so any advice would be greatly appreciated. 

Edited December 7, 2021 by Jack_Clark

[Raze]

Tell her to try the ultramind solution or IFS therapy, those can help resolve anxiety from its core sources.

if not that she can learn to manage her anxiety through meditation and learning CBT. For a free online meditation program she can try unified mindfulness. 

[Jack_Clark]

10 minutes ago, Raze said:

Tell her to try the ultramind solution or IFS therapy, those can help resolve anxiety from its core sources.

if not that she can learn to manage her anxiety through meditation and learning CBT. For a free online meditation program she can try unified mindfulness. 

I think more core issue is around her unwillingness to try a lot of the more out there techniques, I have tried to get her to do some meditation with me when I do my daily meditation, but she has flatly refused when I offer it. She say she doesn't want to "meditate her problems away".

[Terell Kirby]

I suggest you leave this to professionals who are in the psychology field, don't take on that burden .. it will most likely backfire and impact the relationship negatively. 

Encourage, not force, her to seek professional help .. such as therapy, counseling and/or coaching.

[Thought Art]

I personally no longer date people who have extreme anxiety disorders. They have to want to get help and it wont change over night. I don't wanna change my partners the need to bring a relatively high amount of mental health to the relationship. It's fine and I expect to work through some stuff together. But, I am not dealing with a neurotic partner at this time in my life. Been there.

[flowboy]

I'm sorry, you can't fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed, nor can you help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

You can either be completely okay with the way she is now, and love her just the same, and if you can't, just get out of the relationship.

If you choose option A and stay, then what you can do, is:

• Inspire her by taking your own advice, meditating your ass off, going to therapy yourself, and becoming more and more calm and mentally strong (or whatever is the opposite that you want to see in her)

All else will fail.

All the best!

[Jacob Morres]

I've heard that same critique of mindfulness, thinking it as if you're meditating your problems away. The term for that is spiritual bypassing. While that is a trap, it's not inherently what meditation/mindfulness is. Meditation/mindfulness comes in many forms and has many use cases. 

Therapists use MCBT and other grounding techniques to calm down anxiety - it's scientifically proven to be effective 

You can calm down your anxiety (using meditations. both as a daily practice and while the anxiety is occurring) and work on your problems at the same time! Mindfulness is soooo powerful for that.

Meditation also has the potential to help fully let go of some anxieties. She is deeply underestimating it (sometimes meditation alone is not enough. it depends on the issue and person) 

Edited December 10, 2021 by Jacob Morres

[Thought Art]

@Jacob Morres I think mindfulness is a piece of the puzzle. But, stress and anxiety come from many different aspects of the human accumulation. 
 

for example with Qigong, meditation and journaling I’m able to calm down 70-80%. However, my cognitive behavioural problems, transference, trauma AQ, emotional mastery etc… all these things are related. I think mental/ physical health is really a holistic endeavour. I still feel fear and worry myself. I’m making a lot of progress but I myself still have work to do. Even if you want to change to put your partner through your trauma is just unfair.
IMO. 

I still don’t deal with certain fears, traumas, setbacks, etc in a high quality high AQ way. But, because I understand the building blocks of AQ I get better and stronger, resilient with each adversity.

 

to me mindfulness is the Meta skill that allows you to use other skills, frameworks and practices to achieve the desired emotional, physical and cognitive states/ processes that allow you to live a life that is in congruence with your goals and well being.

 

mindfulness can even be more challenging when you start to feel all the strong emotions, fears, traumas and shadows you have long covered up with drugs and distractions . 

Edited December 10, 2021 by Thought Art

[Jacob Morres]

3 minutes ago, Thought Art said:

I think mindfulness is a piece of the puzzle. But, stress and anxiety come from many different aspects of the human accumulation. 

Ya I agree . Sometimes mindfulness/meditation is not the ans 

Sometimes just connecting to friends can do 100x more than mindfulness. It's honestly just so contextual me thinks 

Edited December 10, 2021 by Jacob Morres

[Raze]

On 12/6/2021 at 4:05 PM, Jack_Clark said:

I think more core issue is around her unwillingness to try a lot of the more out there techniques, I have tried to get her to do some meditation with me when I do my daily meditation, but she has flatly refused when I offer it. She say she doesn't want to "meditate her problems away".

Show her one of these

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4sXBEfIXUno

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qo4uPxhUzU