People get angry at me when I show that I'm upset with them. What kind of bs is this?

[flowboy]

On 06/12/2021 at 8:23 PM, somegirl said:

It's a reccuring theme in my life. It drives me freaking nuts. This is also one of the reasons why I don't freely express when something bothers me/when I'm angry or upset with someone. Because I fear I will basically lose them. 

What's the deal? Why does this keep happening? 

Usually when I'm upset with someone, it's for a good reason, it's not out of the blue, either something hurt me, or someone behaved in a careless way towards me etc. and when I express annoyance towards i.e. my friend I always somehow end up in a situation where that friend actually is angry/upset WITH ME that I expressed my feelings. And they don't talk to me after that.

I am literally put in a situation where I need to apologize because I care more about this friendship than being right.

But I am tired of this. Why am I punished for expressing my feelings? It honestly scares me how easy it is for my friend to distance themselves from me instead of communicating with me.

This tells me that I don't have a right to be upset, if I want to keep friendships in my life.

I don't think it's supposed to work like that...

It's not, you're right.

Whether something can be improved in the way you communicated it, or not, either way you need friends to communicate with you, so that you can find out, talk it through and both learn from the situation.

you are outgrowing your current friends.

Quote

Why am I punished for expressing my feelings?

Because you tolerated it. Up until now.

You kept friendships in your life where this pattern occurred: they punish you for expressing your feelings.

The so-called: "Fuck you for hurting me by telling me how I hurt you"-dynamic.

And you haven't called them out on it, and you let them come back and accepted this behavior.

So far.

But now you're becoming aware, and it's very hard to un-see it.

Congratulations. You just found out your standards for friendship.

Now go out and find the friendships you deserve!?

[Kalki Avatar]

Girls have a ridiculous level of subtle indirect manipulative skills. They would have stop gasligthing if you didnt let them get used to manipulate yourself into supression. Punish reward method... Goddamn, trust, Honesty and authentic friendships these days is more scarce and valuable than billions. People are getting more and more annyoingly needy greedy. 

I remember when I was a kid wondering and dreaming about adult hood. How much I would enjoy doing big things with amazing people. How cool it would be to be all together having fun without limits. Holy fuck what is this. 

[SgtPepper]

I could be wrong, but

Look into how you are expressing your feelings and also you have to try to build a bridge and try to listen to why they are upset that you are expressing your feelings.

Use "I" statements instead of "you" statements if you are not already doing so.

There needs to be a back and forth of what each other's behavior is conjuring up inside each other. Then you will be in a much better position to meet each other's needs in the friendship

Edited December 10, 2021 by SgtPepper

[somegirl]

On 12/7/2021 at 11:14 PM, Salvijus said:

Ego is an insecure thing, it always thinks It’s right and perfect. A natural resistence and denial will happen if you challenge that. Unless it's a very concious self honest being.

Sounds right. This is so true, but it seems like most of the people's egos are fragile. And it's not like I tell them in a very harsh brutal way, I tell them in a nice way, even sometimes though smile to soften it up, but I still get those kind of negative reaction.Maybe I really do not know how to communicate efficiently.

On 12/7/2021 at 11:14 PM, Salvijus said:

if you want to learn the art of relationships you need to become more sensitive and self-aware, qualities like compassion and care help. You're not going to logic your way into every situation and how you should act in every different situation. It's an intuitive thing.

I guess this is achieved through meditaiton? 

On 12/7/2021 at 11:14 PM, Salvijus said:

If you’re concious enough you will know it from within, if not then there will be endless friction in relationships. That's just the price we pay for being unconscious.

Thanks. This was kinda helpful.

Maybe I'm not as conscious and self-aware as I thought I was. Because these things keep happening.

Anyway, thanks for your advice and comment, was helpful.

[somegirl]

On 12/8/2021 at 0:28 AM, Karmadhi said:

I think it is fundamentally an ego backlash. If you have seen Leo's episode about it then you know what ego backlash is.

When you tell people something bad their sense of self feels threatented and ofc the ego reacts in a defensive angry way. Most people are not even aware of this stuff so they just get angry on auto pilot. Someone like you might have done the self-work to be aware when an ego backlash is happening and can stop yourself in the moment. Most people have not and will just act on their emotions (caused by the ego backlash) on autopilot.

Got it. I skipped watching that video. Might be helpful to look into it so I can better understand the situation.
 

On 12/8/2021 at 9:24 AM, integral said:

Are you a ESTJ?

I'm INFP. But thanks for assuming I'm extrovert, it is a compliment
 

On 12/8/2021 at 11:26 AM, tsuki said:

Why would it be about you? Why would anybody want to hurt you intentionally, with full understanding that they are inflicting pain?

I don't know, I have ALWAYS thought people do things because they dislike me/think I'm boring/uninteresting etc. Whole my life. I don't know where the hell this belief of mine comes from.
 

On 12/8/2021 at 11:26 AM, tsuki said:

Let's invert this situation. Try to imagine that you stand in front of a person, and deliberately do something that they don't want, precisely because they don't want it, just to inflict pain. Not because you are reacting to something within you, like anger (which not about them, but about you), but to do it for "their" sake. What would be a reason?

Because I like to see them suffer and because I hate them perhaps? Lol

On 12/8/2021 at 11:26 AM, tsuki said:

The issue is not "between you and them". This is your issue.

On 12/8/2021 at 11:26 AM, tsuki said:

When you want to "communicate your negative feelings" to them, what you communicate is that you want them to change the way in which you feel. This is not possible. You are creating your own feelings by thinking.

Look, in other circumstances, I would understand what you're saying, because everything is ultimately how I interpret things, BUT, in friendship/relationship context, it does matter when someone hurts the other person. You have to be able to tell them freely that something is bothering you. In practicality, when someone i.e. talks behind your back (random example) you can't be like "Well, I feel angry/sad because I'm interpreting this situation in a bad way". No... You can't stay FRIENDS with that person anymore. You can't be close friends because there is no trust. Even if you interpret this situation in a positive way that would result in you feeling good despite them gossiping about you behind your back, it doesn't change the fact that you need to cut them out of my life. You see what I mean?
 

 

[somegirl]

On 12/8/2021 at 0:17 PM, Gesundheit2 said:

I find that most of the times, how you express yourself is a lot more important than what's actually being said. The way we communicate says different things than the things we intend to say. The choosing of words is critical, but it doesn't stop there. Body language and vocal tone are important, but it doesn't stop there either. If you don't naturally have a way with words, this can take some effort to correct, but at least it's fixable.

Some people have magical speaking abilities

Sooo true. Guess I need to learn how to communicate.

 

[somegirl]

On 12/9/2021 at 1:52 PM, flowboy said:

The so-called: "Fuck you for hurting me by telling me how I hurt you"-dynamic.

This.

On 12/9/2021 at 1:52 PM, flowboy said:

And you haven't called them out on it, and you let them come back and accepted this behavior.

So far.

But now you're becoming aware, and it's very hard to un-see it.

Congratulations. You just found out your standards for friendship.

Now go out and find the friendships you deserve!?

I sometimes think maybe I have ''outgrown'' people around me and they do not resonate with me anymore. This is why I am kinda hesitant to improve myself ''too much'' for the fact that I will just drift away further from the friends I already have. Because they can't keep up. And it's hard to find more developed friends around here. But also, I know that I shouldn't stay the same person for years and that I need to improve and change and grow. 
 

[somegirl]

18 hours ago, SgtPepper said:

Look into how you are expressing your feelings and also you have to try to build a bridge and try to listen to why they are upset that you are expressing your feelings.

Use "I" statements instead of "you" statements if you are not already doing so.

Got you. Maybe I am simply bad at expressing myself and need to improve my communication skills.

Thanks.

[Username]

People tend to mirror your emotions. Content doesn't matter that much, if you are angry your message is anger.

I can say really nasty things if I'm in a good mood and people will enjoy it. Being polite when I'm on a bad mood isn't enough.

[Derek White]

Obviously people won’t like you if you’re upset with them. Like hello?

Basically, they’re angry at you because they don’t think they did anything wrong and they think you’re overreacting.

If someone doesn’t like my company I will leave them as well. I don’t want to be around people who are upset with me. If it’s some mistake, then I will let it go or apologize. If someone is upset by my ideas, my language or thing that are core to me, I will leave.

Your friends don’t want to change the thing that made you upset. They don’t have a problem with that. They don’t want to change to make you happy. If you don’t like them then you should leave them.
 

 

Edited December 11, 2021 by Derek White

[flowboy]

8 hours ago, somegirl said:

I sometimes think maybe I have ''outgrown'' people around me and they do not resonate with me anymore.

If you regularly think that, then you probably have.

8 hours ago, somegirl said:

This is why I am kinda hesitant to improve myself ''too much'' for the fact that I will just drift away further from the friends I already have. Because they can't keep up.

I understand your fear. Giving up the sense of belonging and connection, just to develop yourself... doesn't seem like a good deal sometimes.

Quote

And it's hard to find more developed friends around here.

Is that an absolute fact, that you can know for sure?

The friends you need will show up when you are ready.

Ready to become your authentic, developed self.

You have to take the first scary step though, and just trust that the rest will fall into place.

[somegirl]

@Khr do you tell people to f themselves when someone doesn't treat you right?

And btw, my mom is NOT abusive, she just has some characteristics of emotionally immature person. She is not a bad person, she just herself wasnt given much love and compassion when growing up. For example, she told me the other day that she never expressed how she felt to her own mother when goung through tough period because her mother let her deal with her own stuff on her own. You get an idea. 

Even though she is not a bad person, she is not aware what she is doing to me that might cause damage to myself, therefore I believe I have developed some issues that are not necessarily intentional from her. Self esteem for example is still something I'm struggling with, even though I thought I overcame that problem. 

It's not like I welcome abusers and toxic people and am unable to form healthy relationships.I have some friends that I literally know ever since I was 4 and I still hang out with them. But I did have some trouble asserting my boundaries for the fear of how they might react to my assertiveness.

I can only agree with your self-esteem point. Problems that we deal with today almost always come back from our childhood and household. 

 

Edited December 13, 2021 by somegirl

[Blackhawk]

Anger is ugly. It instantly lowers the level of likeability 

[Jacob Morres]

You may like this book 

https://www.amazon.com/Say-What-You-Mean-audiobook/dp/B07NPRXSVM/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?crid=3KTG4C7L364MX&keywords=nvc+mindfulness&qid=1639439005&sprefix=nvc+mindfulness%2Caps%2C122&sr=8-3

I personally enjoy it because it stresses on using mindfulness and that imo is a pillar of healthy communication 

[somegirl]

@Jacob Morres thank you! 

[SgtPepper]

On 12/10/2021 at 5:51 PM, somegirl said:

Got you. Maybe I am simply bad at expressing myself and need to improve my communication skills.

Thanks.

You might actually be great at communicating feelings and the person is not so good at handling it or communicating their feelings. Nonetheless, you would like them to communicate more and you can change that.

"If you want to change the way people respond to you, change the way you respond to people." - Timothy Leary

[Salvijus]

"Being honest makes all things right" A quote i heard somewhere that I think is very true. 

How come then when I express my angrer at people it creates disharmony and conflict? That's the question. It's because the way the feeling is expressed is in a form of an attack and blame I think.

A nice tip the next time this situation happens would be instead of saying "You piss me of", better to say "I feel hurt, I feel frustrated, dissapointed etc." Directing all the attention to oneself instead of another person. Better not to use the word "you" even. Just using "I  feel this and that when somebody does this and that". Just sharing what I feel without blaming anyone for being the cause of these feelings.

This would soften the blow of expressing anger by a lot. Being honest is a good thing and often leads to love and truth if it's not done in a form of an attack but a mutual observation of feelings. There's a thin line difference there. One side causes conflict and disharmony another side causes love and better relationships.

Was contemplating what it means to be honest and wanted to write this down somewhere, i thought this could be relevant in here.

?