People get angry at me when I show that I'm upset with them. What kind of bs is this?

[somegirl]

It's a reccuring theme in my life. It drives me freaking nuts. This is also one of the reasons why I don't freely express when something bothers me/when I'm angry or upset with someone. Because I fear I will basically lose them. 

What's the deal? Why does this keep happening? 

Usually when I'm upset with someone, it's for a good reason, it's not out of the blue, either something hurt me, or someone behaved in a careless way towards me etc. and when I express annoyance towards i.e. my friend I always somehow end up in a situation where that friend actually is angry/upset WITH ME that I expressed my feelings. And they don't talk to me after that.

I am literally put in a situation where I need to apologize because I care more about this friendship than being right.

But I am tired of this. Why am I punished for expressing my feelings? It honestly scares me how easy it is for my friend to distance themselves from me instead of communicating with me.

This tells me that I don't have a right to be upset, if I want to keep friendships in my life.

I don't think it's supposed to work like that...

[bloomer]

@somegirl

28 minutes ago, somegirl said:

What's the deal? Why does this keep happening? 

Most people don't give a shit that you're upset with them. If you tell them you are they'll take that as an insult and not want to listen to you or be around you. 

30 minutes ago, somegirl said:

But I am tired of this. Why am I punished for expressing my feelings?

Because most people don't care about your feelings especially when those feelings come across as an insult.

[NoSelfSelf]

Usually either you are dealing with a narcissist thats upset because they cant never be wrong(no acceptence of boundaries),they see you as a nice person and get shocked that you expressed yourself in that way or they see you beneth them as a lower value or they are unconcious of their own behaviours not understanding why you got upset mybe because of unclear communication(you dont know how to express your upset so people can understand)..

[Terell Kirby]

 

1 hour ago, somegirl said:

Usually when I'm upset with someone, it's for a good reason, it's not out of the blue, either something hurt me, or someone behaved in a careless way towards me etc.

You may want to ask yourself if you are being self bias. You may see things a certain way, but that doesn't mean the other person does .. or should see it your way to please you.

1 hour ago, somegirl said:

Because I fear I will basically lose them. 

Fear of losing someone creates codependency in relationships. Looking for others to complete you leads to unhealthy ways in maintaining connection through guilt tripping and manipulation. You must be able to give to yourself what you expect others to give to you .. this is the process of bringing your whole self to a relationship.

[Jacob Morres]

usually it has to do with them and not you. or it could be your communication style (i find 'non violent communication' can be disarming and promotes conscious communication). you may need friends who are better at communication. good friends care about your feelings 

Edited December 6, 2021 by Jacob Morres

[somegirl]

1 hour ago, Jacob Morres said:

usually it has to do with them and not you. or it could be your communication style (i find 'non violent communication' can be disarming and promotes conscious communication). you may need friends who are better at communication. good friends care about your feelings 

So I have made an agreement with this one friend that once we have something that bothers us, that we communicate it to each other. We literally made promises, in order for our friendship to stay alive. 

[somegirl]

1 hour ago, Terell Kirby said:

Fear of losing someone creates codependency in relationships. Looking for others to complete you leads to unhealthy ways in maintaining connection through guilt tripping and manipulation. You must be able to give to yourself what you expect others to give to you .. this is the process of bringing your whole self to a relationship.

I have an abundant mindset when it comes to friendships, in general. I have lots of friends and people I know. 

However, I have this one particular friend that I like so much as a person that I would be so sad if we stop being friends because of lack of transparency. 

I am not manipulating. I make effort into my friendships. I am reliable and loyal friend. 

It just bothers me when someone gets mad at me for expressing how I honestly feel. How is a friendship supposed to improve of there is no communication and honesty? It's just superficial friendship of that's the case. I'm just afraid to find out of this friendship is superficial or not.

Edited December 6, 2021 by somegirl

[Mz Hyde]

3 minutes ago, somegirl said:

So I have made an agreement with this one friend that once we have something that bothers us, that we communicate it to each other. We literally made promises, in order for our friendship to stay alive. 

The question is HOW you communicate what bothers you. I recommend a book 'Nonviolent communication' by Marshall Rosenberg.

[somegirl]

1 hour ago, NoSelfSelf said:

or they are unconcious of their own behaviours not understanding why you got upset

Maybe this. 

1 hour ago, NoSelfSelf said:

mybe because of unclear communication(you dont know how to express your upset so people can understand)..

I am honest when I tell them how I feel. I guess instead of them taking care of my hurt emotions, they feel attacked. 

[somegirl]

2 hours ago, bloomer said:

If you tell them you are they'll take that as an insult and not want to listen to you

True this, but I would expect a friend to act in a different way. That's the difference between a friend and a stranger. 

2 hours ago, Knowledge Hoarder said:

Actual good, close friends will care about your complaints, and your feelings, to a certain degree. Ofc, if you are too emotionaly demanding, even they will distance themselves. But, in that case, that's 100% your fault.

Just get a better friends.

True...

 

[somegirl]

7 minutes ago, Mz Hyde said:

The question is HOW you communicate what bothers you. I recommend a book 'Nonviolent communication' by Marshall Rosenberg.

I see. Thanks. 

Maybe I'm not communicating well or I'm more accusatory in my tone... I try to control my anger when I'm angry at someone, but it might still come off aggressive to other person. Damn... So hard to admit it.

[Mz Hyde]

@somegirl Basic idea is to express what you feel and need without blaming and judging others. They most likely won't get mad if you talk only about your emotions and needs without expressing yourself in an offensive manner. Of course, everyone is responsible for their own feelings in the end.

Edited December 6, 2021 by Mz Hyde

[integral]

They dont care about those values in there life so therefor are blind to does values in yours and unwittingly trample on them, or they have a double standard. 

Parents do this constantly to their children. 

In general people only care about how things are said/presented not what is being said. 

 

Edited December 6, 2021 by integral

[Federico del pueblo]

3 hours ago, somegirl said:

Usually when I'm upset with someone, it's for a good reason, it's not out of the blue, either something hurt me, or someone behaved in a careless way towards me etc. and when I express annoyance towards i.e. my friend I always somehow end up in a situation where that friend actually is angry/upset WITH ME that I expressed my feelings. And they don't talk to me after that.

I don't know why, but you could analyze how you bring these things up. Do you use a tone that is either of escalating or de-escalating nature. E.g. many people use expressions like "You always do XYZ...that is very annoying to me...". That is a very accusatory tone that makes people defensive and pisses them off.

Better would be something like "I don't mean to upset you or anything, but I have noticed that you did XYZ a few times (if asked you can give examples), and it is something that makes me feel [insert feeling]. How do you perceive this?" .

In the end you can't stop people from getting offended or upset, even if you make an effort to not upset them. So if you do your best, but keep getting shitty reactions, then you'll have to question the quality of this friendship/relationship.

Basically we're talking about non violent communication here. You can research that if you need to know more.

[tsuki]

14 hours ago, somegirl said:

Usually when I'm upset with someone, it's for a good reason, it's not out of the blue, either something hurt me, or someone behaved in a careless way towards me etc. and when I express annoyance towards i.e. my friend I always somehow end up in a situation where that friend actually is angry/upset WITH ME that I expressed my feelings. And they don't talk to me after that.

I am literally put in a situation where I need to apologize because I care more about this friendship than being right.

@somegirl When you bring rational logic to justify how you feel, you are encouraging your friend to do the same. They most likely also think that they had a good reason to be upset/angry/insensitive, because they were overwhelmed with other stuff in their life and weren't paying enough attention. To them, it was never about you, which is exactly why it was hurtful to you.

Also, notice that the situation in which you were hurt is already gone, and that you are the one that brings the pain into the conversation and in doing so, prolong it. I don't want to imply that your pain is irrelevant, or that you are feeling something incorrect, I am merely referring to relationship dynamics and what is playing out between the two of you. Specifically, how you are creating anger and resentment in your friends.

So, what can be done about it? First, realize that you are, indeed hurt, like a hurt animal that needs help. Even though your friend has hurt you, you need their help, you need them to apologize to feel better. You need them to behave a certain way so that you don't face this difficulty. This is a position of neediness, not of assertiveness, as conventional logic would make you believe. You cannot handle this properly if you dress up in self-righteousness, moral superiority, or victimhood. How can you expect to open up and be vulnerable to a person that has hurt you? This is a double-bind. That person cannot help you if they are not receptive to your needs. Saying it to them, telling that they are insensitive will not help. It will arouse self-righteousness. Don't do it.

What should be done is to withdraw from the relationship until you feel better and feel that you are ready to spend some time with them again. You have no right over this relationship, its nature is completely transitory. If you hold on to it and "make it work", you break it. A relationship that must work is not worth having.

Edited December 7, 2021 by tsuki

[gettoefl]

when you express anger is it for their benefit or for yours

you will likely say theirs but then contemplate what does your anger have to do with conveying information to a friend

maybe anger is to tell you something

ask yourself is anger necessary in relationships

can we express ourselves forcefully and clearly without recourse to anger or is that impossible

[Rilles]

Because the ego thinks its always good and it frequently denies that it can hurt others, usually through blind spots and ignorance. So when someone tells them they have hurt you it creates a cognitive dissonance because they cant possible hurt you right... theyve always been nice to you, theyre good ol boys. 

To become better at accepting that you have hurt someone you have to do Shadow Work to realize that you have the capability to hurt someone and that you can actually be a limited piece of shit and accept that fully and love yourself for it. 

[Salvijus]

@somegirl I think you just need a hug, and for someone to tell you are right and others are losers for not listening to you ??

[somegirl]

2 hours ago, Salvijus said:

I think you just need a hug, and for someone to tell you are right and others are losers for not listening to you ??

I think you just need to kindly leave this thread if you're gonna be sarcasric and not offer some kind of constructive suggestion/advice that would help me better myself. I wrote this thread in a heat of the moment because I was frustrated that this keeps happening, but I actually am open to advice. As long as it's nicely communicated. 

I just wanted to find out if it's a 'me' problem that I need to fix, or I'm just unlucky that I keep attracting people who get angry with me when I share witht them that they have hurt me in some way.

Thanks.

Edited December 7, 2021 by somegirl

[somegirl]

5 hours ago, Rilles said:

Because the ego thinks its always good and it frequently denies that it can hurt others, usually through blind spots and ignorance. So when someone tells them they have hurt you it creates a cognitive dissonance because they cant possible hurt you right... theyve always been nice to you, theyre good ol boys. 

I understand.... Though when someone would tell me I hurt them, my first reaction would be surprise of course (for the reasons you mentioned) but then I would try to make it right, especially if it's person I care about. So I don't understand how is it difficult thing to do when you're literallz friends with someone.