Can't make my current GF cum, feeling bad about it

[Nos7algiK]

@tsuki I agree with everything you are saying. It's one thing to have personal preferences, but the position Leo is in and the way he gives advice is just a projection of his own biases that could lead to potential harm towards others. 

I honestly don't understand how someone could have so many awakening experiences. Cry on camera about how it's all infinite love. Preach about selflessness and how we should share this love. Then make one of the most apathetic statements towards relationships and sexuality I've heard in sometime. Not just as a personal opinion but as general advice we all should be following.

Anyway...to the OP. Don't give up on your relationship because Leo said something foolish. The love you two share and what it could grow into is worth the effort it may take to get over this hurdle. Make sure to not vocally stress about it too much because if she does have some type of sexual trauma it may make her feel shameful she can't live up to your expectations. But, at the same time it's not a topic that should be fully avoided. 

[Sine]

If she is into that maybe meditate with her or even better if you yourself can guide her through a meditation/body scan before you have sex, because this will make her feel both secure and like you are kind of in charge of the situation so she can let go, and it will also make her better able to "feel her self"

One thing you can also try, is to ask her to make herself cum, without you touching but just holding her and speaking to her. Because if she is has suffers from sexual trauma og non-beneficial beliefs about sex/her body, then just having an orgasm in front of you could be difficult.

[flowboy]

@Value  Okay, two things here.

1. A woman can only orgasm easily when there is no pressure on her, to in fact orgasm. (with some exceptions if she's naturally a good cummer, but still the orgasm would be better without that pressure)
   You and her both are putting pressure on her to orgasm: you say she's stressing out about it, and you are on here, stressing out about it as well.
   Thoughts like "It's pathetic that a man can't make his girl cum" are toxic and literal orgasm killers.
   
   To understand this better, compare it to getting hard. What if one day you are stressed/tired and you are not getting so hard. And your girlfriend starts stressing out about it, saying it's pathetic that she can't get you to get hard. Then she starts inquiring into your past, asking what is wrong with you, seeing if you have trauma. Now you start stressing about it. Sex with her now reminds you that there is something wrong with you.
   This is what you are creating together, with all these judgments.
   Would that make it easy for you to get hard? If you had the thought that it was pathetic if you didn't, and also her self-esteem depended on it?
   
   Didn't think so
   
   What would you need in that situation? How low-pressure would you need the atmosphere to be, in order to relax enough to get your erection back?
   That's where you need to get back to. And you have to do this together.
   
   Not as a trick, for real. Get to a place of being really okay with it.
   So if you tell her "it's okay if you don't cum, just enjoy the moment", but you're still hoping that that will make her cum, because that would make you feel like more of a man, you're still doing it wrong.
   People are extremely sensitive to this stuff. Men and women both.
    
2. Trauma gets stored in the body, and it makes it numb. Especially in sensitive places. If she has trouble with orgasm, there's a good chance that the sensitive spots in her vagina are numb or painful, because of past pain that is stored there. This does not have to be from sexual trauma, any sort of emotional hardship can go to the body in that way.
   There are techniques to release trauma from the body. It's called "body work", or "tantric body work".
   When doing it on the vagina, it's called "female de-armouring".
   Female de-armouring can in a few sessions make her vagina totally relaxed, soft and sensitive, so that she only needs little stimulation to cum, over and over again.
   I know because I've been taught this technique, and I've performed in on people, and it definitely works.
   I'm not going to explain to you how to do it, because it's not something you can just get right from some written instructions in a forum post. That wouldn't be safe.
   I'm just saying: if you love her and you want to help her get to that place of easily orgasming, then look into this together.
   Look for someone who can teach you this in-person. If you live in Europe or UK or Scandinavia, I can give you some references, DM me in that case.
   It only takes a few sessions, but the emotions that can come up are very intense, and you need (to be) a good spaceholder to navigate that.

Edited December 20, 2021 by flowboy

[tashadwoodfall]

Okay just to make things fun. Would if she's turned on by a particular size and he does not have it? Maybe he doesn't take charge in the bedroom like she craves and instead feels like she's leading everything sexual…maybe when she really wants someone there for her emotionally, he's busy with other things and so she's forced to seek emotional fulfillment through friends or other men.

Maybe…the sexual masculinity she's craving (or containment) is not there. I have a lot of maybes lmao

[Value]

Okay, I have been going through the comments and reading up a little bit on sexual repression, anorgasmia, hormones and more.

First off, we really love each other. We are the perfect match except for this problem = I want to make it work if I can. 
According to this article, a whopping 4,6% of women have Anorgasmia - the inability to orgasm. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anorgasmia

@Leo Gura
- She has come with one guy, once.
I tried to ask some smart questions. She said that she never came with a guy before except once with one specific guy (that I think) she was extremely in love with. No details except she said it was the first time she actually enjoyed sex, in contrast to for example her first relationship in which she only had sex a total of 5 times and never liked it (that was way before at age 15-18).

- She thinks our sex is great.
She is higly attractive and has had a rather high number of short sexual relationships in the past (like 1-3 month long). She really fell for me on a more deep emotional level though, which I genuinely believe and also reciprocate. The thing is she says that she thinks our sex is great and tells her friends about it - we do connect emotionally and the sexual flow overall between us is good, which just makes this issue more confusing. 

- The idea that guys don't like to please girls.
I asked her if she has ever experienced sexual abuse. She said she hasn't (not sure if she was avoiding the topic or not). In response she brought up something like "man, you don't know what it is like to be judged by society. And all these feminist articles that says 'Reclaim the famle orgasm' and things like that." Basically she has this idea that guys actually don't want to please their girls, and thinks going down on girls feel gross. We also spoke about she sometimes meets guys that seem to want to make the girl cum for their own ego. 

- Can't lead her to deep relaxation, Thyroid Hormones / Energy Problems
Furthermore she takes hormones for the thyroid (don't know if it is Hypo or Hyper-thyroid). I can't do relaxation exercises with her either (as in trying to experiment with sexual hypnosis etc), she easily loses concentration and has some energy problems and / or stress and/or sleep disorders - daytime she is very alert but nighttime falls asleep instantly (like when we lay down to do breathing exercise). Other than that she has a crazy, emotionally abusive father that she is barely in contact with.

- When things get intense during oral sex she wants out
When I go down on her it is as though she feels like it gets too intense and wants out of it before I can make her cum. She wants me to go inside her as quickly as possible, which is what she does enjoy.

Found a retailer of Magic Wand, buying one next week.

- Maybe she is also desensitized from frequent solo masturbation?
I noticed that she (seemingly without even thinking about it) is touching herself (yup, rubbing herself without hiding it even) some mornings when she is barely awake and feeling stressed, it doesn't even seem like a sexual thing to her. Does that relate at all to what you brought up @Justine ? A while ago when we casually spoke about masturbation she said that she usually thinks about previous sex she has had when she masturbates (which feels a bit awkward for me since I know she only ever came with one specific guy). 

@somegirl
Ofcourse what feels best to her is king. 

@Sine
I did try to guide her to cum for me once but it didn't quite work at that time. Furhtermore as I wrote above to Leo I can't really do relaxation techniques with her - she doesn't really follow and falls asleep easily / loses concentration.

@ChamberOfReflection
Relating to what you are saying, with previous GFs it hasn't been an issue. Never made anyone cum using my dick actually, only clitoral. Wrote more above.

@flowboy
Thanks for the tip, it might be something we could try. Currently residing in the middle of Europe but otherwise in Scandinavia.

@bejapuskas
You brought up a good point. For more info see above but overall I would say I am not being attached to her cuming when I am actually with her.

Many thanks for the other input / comments as well.

Edited January 8, 2022 by Value

[flowboy]

@Value I can give you some references in DM, depending on where in Europe you are

[bejapuskas]

@Value  I think it is a combination of not being attached and still wanting to give your best. Ime, communication only may not solve the issue, talking about shame and all that. There is just something mental or spiritual that could be going on and that just kind of transmits when the moment comes. It's like you can clearly sense the other person's mindset changed.

[Opo]

Fun video.