Heavy oscillations

[Nadosa]

I am oscillating straight for 4 weeks now between "me" that believes its insane and "me" that has the power to choose everything and not to suffer, that has no past, future, that everything I went through was due to imaginary beliefs. It kills me man. Its like I just cant let go of being wanting to be insane. 

Im also so sorry for all the shitposting the last days. Its been very tough. Its just that i dont know but I sense bliss.

Then thoughts want to separate this bliss into being "me" which makes no sense anymore.

Then thoughts attach to past suffering telling "no you're insane because you suffered".

I just cant really sense where I go and how to integrate this. 

Much love

[WelcometoReality]

@Nadosa The oscillations can be really rough when they happen but usually it's because we resist them from happening. Experiences come and go no matter if it's bliss or feeling insane. Keep inquiring into the rough feelings, it gets easier with time.

48 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

I just cant really sense where I go and how to integrate this. 

In this case there's nowhere to go. It's all a deepening into this experience right now. 

Also cut yourself some slack. The forum is here to help you. Shitpost all you want if it helps get things of your chest. ?

For how long have it been oscillating?

[Nadosa]

4 weeks now. But in a pretty brutal manner. The oscillations are mainly caused by a separate self Feeling it needs to be pathologized, I then feel crazy whereas I usually, when I dont do it, feel good. It usually happens when I give my power - to choose which thoughts serve me away - to a habit in the past when I felt powerless regarding thoughts and feelings.

 

Edited December 5, 2021 by Nadosa

[Nahm]

Why attempt to ‘integrate’ discord, suffering. Let discordant thoughts go. Willingly. Because of, and only because of, how it feels to focus on those thoughts. Focus on anything else. 

There is no separate self feeling. This is conceptualizing feeling. Thoughts about a separate self which feels.  This is not feeling. This is focusing on self referential thoughts, and averting from understanding the emotions. 

Pathology is one thought. Separate self in one thought. Meditation is the way. Careful not to self referentially think you’re way out of what actually works. (Meditation and understanding the emotions experienced as guidance about the thoughts focused on). 

Anyone focused on the thoughts you’re focusing on should feel the exact same discord you are experiencing. 

Anyone shifting to understanding, and thus receiving the emotional guidance will feel alignment. 

Every one believes theirs is the unique, exceptional story. Meditation lets the story go. It can’t be beat, focus repeats. Can only be let go. Do not be afraid to feel, understand fear is an emotion, which again is guidance. 

You are infinitely loved. You are infinite love. And that is what is felt (is feeling). 

 

[Nadosa]

Yeah i seem to exaggerate every little inch. 

[VeganAwake]

Just allow the thoughts and feelings to arise. There's no one doing it anyways.

Don't focus on them and simultaneously don't resist them either...is the middle path.

❤ 

[Nadosa]

I just sometimes feel like I am deadend insane or schizo because when there is no I to what are the thoughts even referring to.

Then sometimes there is this sense of control. And freedom of choice. This back and forth of believing and being free is hands down so difficult...