Golden Love

[ryangold]

This is what we do isn't it?

Write our thoughts out.

Say things.

I want to know what is real. 

I only want to touch the real.

I feel like I'm twisting and turning into a blackhole. That life has swallowed me whole. 

That almost no where. Can I touch something that is real. That is itself. Undisturbed by any front. 

It feels like the loss of God.

I need a vision. I know what it is but I can't bare the pain. I feel like I'm running into my own inevitable demise if I do. Aren't we all though, aren't we all moving into the void at the end of it.

I've been crying. Trying to understand. 

I cannot stand the bullshit and the bullshitters that create it.

I want life to be something different.

People look at me and say, "you're lucky because of this, this and this..."

But they don't know my pain. They're not in my shoes. That's what I feel like. That no body has been in my shoes.

What's a new world anyway when we still have to brush our teeth, comb our hair and workout? 

I want a completely different world.

I feel trapped. 

[ryangold]

all those people saying I'm "acting like a victim" yeah fuck off.

Thanks for the invalidating projections.

Next time you're in the dumps that's what I'll say to you.

Yeah fuck you Leo Gura.

[ryangold]

People can't help themselves but judge my words, even though they don't know what troubles I've had and have.

Look at yourselves, learn to activate your fucking empathy.

I need to go for a walk. Then draw when I get back. 

[ryangold]

I'm going to take a picture of myself then draw myself as an act of self love.

So I can remember these feelings in my body... There's so many.... Forever.

We don't show ourselves enough self love these days. 

Too worried about a perception.

I feel like life made my heart of glass and through it up against my family's steel emotional wall, everyone's. I feel so isolated. Distant. Cold. Foreign to everyone and everything.

[ryangold]

my body is strong, very very strong.

emotionally though I feel like a disaster.

I don't know how to control all of my mood swings, I struggle to know my true identity.

I feel like drawing myself. This would help me a lot. Holding a still image in my mind. 

I've heard so many different voices in my life telling me different things about myself I never knew what to believe. 

Single goals. That's what I've always done well. Not life though. I have to zone it all out. I can't do life. 

I know how to make money. I know how to look after my body. I know how to fuck.

Life... It's just too complex for me. I just wanted to fade into it, disintegrate.

To have never existed. That sounds like god is showing me mercy. 

[ryangold]

I'm sexing my ex tonight. Grabbing her head and making her gag on my cock. 

Maybe I'll draw us together.

You think I speak to her about my emotions though? That's what I really want. No. I fucking can't. She looks at my emotions as a different species. She doesn't want to fuck me when I'm honest about my feelings. 

I've got fucking no one to speak to about my emotions.

I need a fucking therapist.