Healing a traumatic delusion

[Nadosa]

The delusion started 4 years ago and has somehow created an, what can I say, false reality around my character. 

Ive always been a guy with a rational and logic view on things in general. I dont have like a huge traumatic history in childhood. 

Yet there was this day when I sensed this huge Resistance in my stomach area, it felt like a death, I didnt really know what happened. I was watching game of thrones when there was a thought growing bigger and bigger, whereas I thought "I was having a thought", the thought basically said "what if this I just dies now, what can I do about it"... I just try to relive what happened and gain understanding with another perspective on it. 

It felt like the entire security web of my mind got shattered to pieces and I basically felt like I was dying for straight 1 year on and off. I have since then ONLY found happiness in feeling and what feels good to me.

Yet I can sense still the part which wants the security web of the mind but it just doesnt work anymore. This part of me is frightened, it thought "I" died and I basically posted here in a total paranoid manner. I really want to heal this part. But it just is broken, scared, maybe not even existant? Who knows man.

What was the delusion now?

I dont know, I tried to create a person, identity around this entire event which could "understand" it in "a personal" way. But it didnt work. I tried to work things out via a separate self on healing a separate self. Of course I felt miserable. 

My brain has still collections of the feelings and perceptions felt during that time in the eyes of a separate self.

I could no longer surpress them. They always popped up in conscioussness. This need to understand.

But this difference is so huge, I mean the difference in perception and perspective, whether there is a you "perceiving" the events or the actual presence reviewing the events.

While in presence, for example making music, there is no "I" making it, but the universe, I feel good. 

As soon as there is a separation nothing feels good. 

I oftentimes feel like something is wrong with my person, because what I faced could only be "healed" when I went beyond personhood.

Will this person I am ever "integrate" what happened? I dont know. It feels like it can only be integrated on a non-personal level.

 

 

 

Edited December 4, 2021 by Nadosa

[hamedsf]

just because you daydreaming about enlightenment instead of practically making it happen.

don't think this is the result of consciousness work, this is a mental illness.