Am I a Narcissist or disconnected from love?

[DManKee]

From as far back as I can remember I've been lonely. I would spend my time at school alone. I would eat alone, be by myself and never went to parties, socialized etc. Apart from that I had weird interests that nobody had or who I felt I could share with. Till the end of highschool and now in college I've been alone. This has made me very socially awkward and now I basically avoid people and conversation whenever I can (I know this is a mistake but I just don't care anymore.)

Recently I read a post on this forum on how you can spot a narcissistic. People said things such as lack of love, empathy. Always talking about oneself. 

When having conversations with people I feel no connection to them. I don't feel love or empathy for anyone but myself and our family dog. If I have conversations it is often with the aim of getting something from them. From time to time I put myself in the shoes of other people but with great effort. However as far back as I can remember when I saw someone in pain or in need of help I always did what I could to help them. I've lost relationships with amazing people because I was told that I never listened to them or cared, that I was cold hearted (maybe I was just too afraid that if they got to know me they would just leave? The funny thing is that they always left and it probably was because of my fear of letting them in). I have these lofty ideals of love and wanting to help people but sometimes I wonder whether I'm doing this because it makes me seem saintly or something. Maybe if people loved me for smoking and drinking maybe that's what I'd be doing right now?

I never open up to anyone about my inner life because I've always felt rejected for my interests by the people closest to me (I know this is also a mistake but not opening up means no pain of rejection.)

Am I a narcissist or just disconnected from love? Do I need to learn to let people in? I feel If I somehow managed this last thing I may be able to build a relationship with someone and begin a trusting relationship that could lead to caring about the other person. However after having been let down so many times I feel I will never again put in the effort of letting people in. I think I also have self esteem issues but I don't know.

I would love your advice because for my entire life I've felt so disconnected and lonely. I feel there's no one I can communicate this to.

Thank you!

[Cathal]

I would say you became a narcissist because you are disconnected from love, if you can understand that you will make leaps of progress. There's nothing special about narcissism as it's just another strategy to get your needs met, it's just highlighted because it's entirely based on the approval of others which is annoying as fuck for people most of the time as in highly deceptive/manipulative and it simply does not work, there is great pleasure in being a narcissist but there will never be peace. Not to judge those strategies as 'wrong' but rather see it for what it is, a belief system that causes you and others suffering.

What were your parents/family like?

You don't love yourself either and you don't have genuine empathy for yourself, you feel for your doggo and animals because they don't judge you for what you have or don't have and openly give themselves to you, and that is real. That is reality infact, that's why you can connect with animals

The problem is your identification with the one who needs to have something, to be something other than it is, to be loved. That is essentially all it boils down too, I hope you reflect on that. There's obviously a shit load of work to do, I mean it will take you quite a while to enter radical acceptance, to stop judging yourself, to discover all of your shadow parts, but to begin to question your identification to the parts of you that need to prove themselves, to have something, to be someone, the insecurities, 

just fuck that shit man, that is not a life worth living and i will also say you will never have that connection you crave, that relationship you desire until the inner world is understood first. 

[mivafofa]

Sounds more like you have AvPD (Avoidant personality disorder) rather than NPD. Could you check the symptoms online and let me know if you relate to any of it.

(Of course this is only speculation based on what you said here. You could simply be a normal social awkward being too. If you want to be certain, a therapist would probably diagnose you properly.)

Edited December 4, 2021 by mivafofa

[DManKee]

@catcat69123 I´m adopted. Untill the age of 5 me and my brother lived in an orphanage where nobody had time to tend to us or our feelings. If we cried nobody gave a shit. They made sure you had enough to eat sleep and that you where warm and comfortable but that´s it. As for my adoptive mom she is an angel. She has done so much for others selflessly. However she never really bothered about being there emotionally there for us becuase I think she just wasn´t really able to handle it. You could say she loved us but was always distant. I think she is also like me in some sense. However unlike me she helps people and goes out of her way to help those in need. I on the other hand I dislike interactions.

[DManKee]

@mivafofa AvPD I shall look it up. Thank you!

[Cathal]

@DManKee honestly bro just get yourself a therapist, i feel like you are trapped in a prison. if it isn't unbearable now, it will be as life goes on. fundamentally you created a very strong sense of seperateness to protect yourself from the pain of not being loved properly, and you go on playing a character on the belief you will get that which you need if you become that which you are not - this is the big mistake, the biggest mistake of ur life. until u become fully aware of that, you will never connect. and you will experiene the relentless pain of being disconnected from life

good news, it's already within you so you don't need to seek it. but right now this can only be intellectually understood because until the parts of you are properly accepted and intergrated, you will experience it as a feeling of lack, seeking to be fulfilled.

 

i don't know the depths of that for you so idk, feel free to dm me if you want to open up more or if you feel like my words are resonating at all

[DManKee]

@catcat69123 thank you! I will try to seek help. I´ve felt trapped in a prison my whole life. I looked up AvPD and it seems to be what I suffer with. Thank you for your advice and kind words.

[mandyjw]

16 hours ago, DManKee said:

@catcat69123 I´m adopted. Untill the age of 5 me and my brother lived in an orphanage where nobody had time to tend to us or our feelings. If we cried nobody gave a shit. They made sure you had enough to eat sleep and that you where warm and comfortable but that´s it. As for my adoptive mom she is an angel. She has done so much for others selflessly. However she never really bothered about being there emotionally there for us becuase I think she just wasn´t really able to handle it. You could say she loved us but was always distant. I think she is also like me in some sense. However unlike me she helps people and goes out of her way to help those in need. I on the other hand I dislike interactions.

I have a friend with a similar background. A bit later in life she was separated from her sister in a foster home. She is fun to be around and open in person, but in order to maintain the friendship I nearly always have to be the one to reach out. She has absolutely no qualms about relationships completely dropping off. It took a while for me to realize this wasn't what she actually wanted, it wasn't just a pattern with me but with everyone, that she liked me, and wanted to be friends but that I suppose, she had just learned this pattern somehow. I think it was necessary at the time to protect herself, but she hasn't found that it's no longer serving her.

Honestly, I think you just have to define what you want, which you have, and which is the biggest step to have taken. You, with the posting of this thread and determining your desire for greater connection have defeated the biggest boss. It's a cake walk from here on out. Reach out to people more. Allow yourself to appreciate them more. Be good to yourself. You aren't a narcissist. You're healing for God's sakes. 

[mivafofa]

@DManKee Not to act like a diagnose but... you really hit the marks with the AvPD. Childhood emotional neglect is known to be highly associated with the development of AvPD.  "Manipulation tactics vary, however there is always a hidden agenda and goal. Those who suffer with Avoidant Personality Disorder frequently use manipulation to get their needs met." 

Also to reassure you, a Narcissist would never make a post like the one you did. They would never sit and question if they have it in the first place. That's the whole point of a Narcissist. They can't self-reassess and break oneself down realistically the way you did.

Edited December 5, 2021 by mivafofa

[DManKee]

@mandyjw @mivafofa Sorry I've been busy the past few days and unable to answer. I want to heal and I know the journey is just starting. 

Thank you so much for the kind words! ♥️

[ZenRising]

On 04/12/2021 at 9:36 PM, mivafofa said:

Sounds more like you have AvPD (Avoidant personality disorder) rather than NPD. Could you check the symptoms online and let me know if you relate to any of it.

(Of course this is only speculation based on what you said here. You could simply be a normal social awkward being too. If you want to be certain, a therapist would probably diagnose you properly.)

 I agree with micafofa here... what you describe sounds a lot more like avoidant personality disorder than narcissism... the journey is indeed just starting...  seeing a therapist will be important.... SLAA also offers good support for avoidant issues - might be woth checking out? https://www.slaauk.org/is-slaa-for-me/anorexia-sexual-social-and-emotional/