Haunted by overwhelming feeling of shame. help

[mivafofa]

So I took an acting class. 

I was given a play to perform with a partner. Our roles were pre-assigned and I much preferred my partner's role (B). For one, it was the more fun character, the shining star of the party. But most importantly I related with the character's flaws, qualities & personality better.  Nevertheless I did my best with the character (A) I was assigned with, but I still suggested to do a character swap once during practice for fun. I nailed it amazingly well. Secretly I felt like my portrayal of character B was so much more on point and more entertaining.  My partner drew some notes from the way I acted her character and I from the way she acted mine. 

In front of class, the performance was perfectly executed. When he asked how much we related to our characters, I admitted to the instructor and classmates that in real life I am more like my partner's character B.  So he offered an one-go of character swap out of curiosity, but when we performed it, somehow I was off-game. it was awkward from the first line and I completely flopped it - I was over the top. Needless to say the instructor and classmates only praised the character B performed by my partner. When he said "Ok so I think I much prefer the original casting.." I felt a surge of disappointment in myself, and overwhelming shame.  At that moment I just knew the rest of my day will be met with unavoidable agonizing self-beating thoughts.  I tried everything to escape it. Went to training, connected with new people, ate a good healthy meal, meditated, gave myself praises and affirmation, played chess, watched youtube videos to distract... But it was still present the whole time. This feeling of shame, the regret, the embarrassment, the missed-out opportunity, the underperformance, not living up to my standard.  When I was home and alone in my room, these negative feelings hit me 10 times forth. it just went haywire I couldn't stop it. 

I didn't get to show anyone what I was truly capable of... But I don't want to think about it. I don't want to dwell on something so silly, unimportant, and past. What is done is done. I want to get over it. We have the do this play for 2 more weeks and I can already foresee that every practice and rehearsal is going to send me into a feat of self-beating thoughts, shame & regret that I know I will not be able to avoid... How can I let go?  And why can't I let it go?  It's agonizing to live with myself when my mind just loop this shame relentlessly. 

Edited December 4, 2021 by mivafofa
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[Cathal]

Quote

  I tried everything to escape it.

this is the first thing you need to take a look at, you basically described a whole day of an effort to escape a feeling. this is just aversion and why you are suffering. you are just running away from yourself because you are too identified with the one who is feeling shame, who has an image of itself that in reality was not met and now it's hurt, and you are caught in it's emotional turmoil.

this is not unimportant as you say, it's extremely important you begin to recognize this so you can allow yourself to feel all of these things that you are not. by avoiding them, they are lurking in the backround - the next time you fuck up, you will feel all of that once again. because you are not fundamentally understanding things you need to understand. so, i have abosolutely no advice on how you can let go, because until you stop running away, there is no possibility in letting go. 

[4201]

The situation created a lot of pressure onto you. You wanted to prove you were good at acting character B and you probably had too much pressure and fear, which caused you to act poorly.

Why? Because you can't play 2 roles at once. You either play the role of a mivafofa that is scared of disappointing or you play character B. As much as you relate with character B because of some aspect of it, character B's character and emotional state you were acting probably had little to do with mivafofa's emotionnal state in the moment.

Now, do you want to play the character of a mivafofa who beat herself up endlessly and feel shame at every practice? Or do you want to let go of this character and play a different mivafofa? If you can play a mivafofa that's amazing at acting A or B, I have no doubt you would be able to play any role they give you perfectly. You just can't play 2 roles at once.

Edited December 5, 2021 by 4201

[mivafofa]

@4201 You are right in every aspect.. I def couldn't get into the character B's fun-like emotional state with nervous emotional state I was in.  

But obviously I don't want to play a version of me who beat myself up and feel shame. Obviously I want to let it go.  Just don't know how.  This situation is such a trivial event and it's creating unnecessary and excessive torment within me.  

[mivafofa]

@catcat69123 You are also right in every aspect. I also thought this resistance was making it worse too.. so I sat down basking in these feelings of shame and regret for a while and it was pure torture for HOURS. It could've kept going but after few hours, it was becoming ridiculous. I could sat down and whine about it for eternity and nothing would change except going through self-inflicted mental torture. I wanted to let it go, and embraced what happened. To accept things as they are and to see the positive side of the situation.  That's where I want my mind to go, so I sought to escape this negativity in my mind. 

But you're right, maybe the first step for me is to recognize this was actually an important moment rather than trivial. How you guys are breaking down what might have happened within me is a lot of help.  @catcat69123 @4201

[mandyjw]

17 hours ago, 4201 said:

Why? Because you can't play 2 roles at once.

Like 4201 so brilliantly pointed out, you can't play two roles at once. Are there actually two of you now, one that is disappointed in the other one?

You got off on the wrong foot, as you said, you were awkward from the first line. That first line set the tone, you couldn't let go of feeling the offness of it, so you acted it out, rather than truly acting in the flow. How did it feel, was it enjoyable? You are STILL acting it out. You never stopped. Maybe the joy of doing a performance in the state of flow IS the flow itself, the joy is not a result of the performance, it is it. It is in itself what we are looking for. If we are too busy regretting the line we said before, we cannot say the current line with joy or in flow. The same thing is going on with your thoughts. Those lines are just thoughts. Your thoughts are just lines. So say the line you want to say. Writing your thoughts down can help when they get messy, because you have the intention when you write to write something that makes sense, to express what you're feeling for the purpose of letting it go from the mind, and your intention to feel better will win out. So write your lines and write them how you want them to be, each better than the last. 

The fear of judgmental thoughts and shame in the future is actually what creates performance anxiety, which causes us to think of and fear the potential future that isn't there, which is what botches the present performance because we AREN'T present at all, which then we regret because we're STILL not present. It's actually kind of funny how it works. 

We learn from contrasting experiences. The flow state of performance and the flow state of thinking when it's quiet and we are alone aren't different. Imagine how free and wonderful you'll perform now that you know that, now that you know you're practicing with every single thought. 

Also maybe you aren't really that character? Maybe you're such a brilliant actor you can show up for any character, simply because you aren't a character at all. Maybe this character you were assigned really was the right one for you. Maybe she has something to show you. 

[Raze]

This issue is not the incident, but rather it awakened subconscious trauma inside that you can now release. Try self therapy by Jay Earely

[4201]

4 hours ago, mivafofa said:

But obviously I don't want to play a version of me who beat myself up and feel shame. Obviously I want to let it go.  Just don't know how. 

Recognize that by asking "how" you are already assuming that there is a problem with yourself, that you are now "stuck" in this version of yourself.

Consider the possibility that you aren't stuck to this version of yourself but it was just something you thought as a result of what happened. You being stuck into that version is really an interpretation, or an "explanation" you had for your behavior as a result of what happened. Following the events if you were to really believe that you are stuck into that version then you might act as that version, because that's what you think. But is this interpretation correct? Are you really stuck?

Don't take my word for it, really focus on the original "problem" and feel what interpretation of the situation feel right/good versus what interpretation feel wrong/bad. We all come here and have our own interpretations of what your situation is but the best interpretation you can get comes from yourself, because you know who you are better than we do.

 

But if you weren't actually stuck in this role then it was indeed an impossible problem to fix. There is no "how" because the problem doesn't exist. There's nothing to let go except the idea that there's something you can't let go. The feeling you had all along simply indicated you that this was the case (that your idea of being stuck was untrue).

 

 

Edited December 6, 2021 by 4201