I got my girlfriend unintentionally pregnant...and she had a miscarriage

[kray]

Recently, my girlfriend and I found out that she was pregnant about a week ago. Unfortunately, that same weekend, she experienced a miscarriage. To make matters worse, she recently went to Planned Parenthood, and found out that it wasn't just one....but two. That's right, she was pregnant with twins. At first I didn't really react emotionally, as I was in disbelief that she was pregnant in the first place. But now I feel like everything is hitting me, and everything is especially hitting my girlfriend like a truck. The grief I see in her is hard, and while I am dealing with coming to terms with what actually happened, she's feeling the worst pain, emotionally and physically. I don't know what to do at all! When I talk about the situation, she says I'm being too pragmatic and says its not helpful at all, which I understand. What can I do, as the male in this relationship, to comfort her? In desperate need of some advice, as I never saw myself in a million years having to deal with this. 

[Preety_India]

I'm very sorry for the loss. It's a difficult period. The best that anyone can do is show calmness and support. Patience is needed. 

[kray]

4 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

I'm very sorry for the loss. It's a difficult period. The best that anyone can do is show calmness and support. Patience is needed. 

Yea I am trying to be loving and supportive, and in fact I myself am dealing with it as well, mostly in shock and confusion, but I don't know what to do when she gets reoccurring dreams about having miscarriages. It's really difficult. It also doesn't help that we both come from orthodox Indian families, and in a way have to hide and pretend nothing happened. 

Edited December 3, 2021 by kray

[Preety_India]

21 minutes ago, kray said:

Yea I am trying to be loving and supportive, and in fact I myself am dealing with it as well, mostly in shock and confusion, but I don't know what to do when she gets reoccurring dreams about having miscarriages. It's really difficult. It also doesn't help that we both come from orthodox Indian families, and in a way have to hide and pretend nothing happened. 

Oh I do understand the Indian factor. It's very difficult for Indians to open up. It's important to feel all emotions and let them out without judgement. This is a difficult thing to share with Indian relatives obviously since Indian relatives can be pretty judgemental. 

I would suggest to not talk much about it to your relatives but to support each other through this crisis. 

I extend my support and condolences. It's important to take it slow and patiently. Time heals wounds. Always be positive even in critical times. 

Things will eventually get better over time. 

I wish you all the hope and support in this difficult time. Keep strong. 

 

[kray]

@Preety_India thanks @Preety_India, definitely need it now 

 

[Breakingthewall]

I know this probably doesn't help at all, but if you dig deeper you will see this: everything is exactly as it has to be, to the millionth of a millimeter. so relax and enjoy

[Tim R]

I don't have any specific advice for you as I myself never had to deal with such a situation but I can tell you this:

Whatever you do, Love is the right answer to such a problem. So long as you show Love, are loving, you can't really do anything wrong. Because that's what both of you and especially her!! need right now. 

Love and Patience. 

Pain cannot withstand Love and Patience. 

[mandyjw]

I'd say just hold her. 

Let's talk about how you are doing. That's quite a roller coaster in a short amount of time. Are you ready for kids, do you want kids? How are you feeling about this, selfishly, personally? 

 

[kray]

On 12/4/2021 at 6:43 AM, mandyjw said:

I'd say just hold her. 

Let's talk about how you are doing. That's quite a roller coaster in a short amount of time. Are you ready for kids, do you want kids? How are you feeling about this, selfishly, personally? 

 

I'm just confused....I mean in a way, its hitting me that I was about to be a father. But I'm not ready to have kids, so in the practical sense, yea I am happy about this unintended abortion, if I can put it like that. But in an emotional and instinctual sense, it hurts. I would have been the father of those kids. So its very much of a bittersweet feeling. 

[silene]

@kray  As well as the shock of an unplanned pregnancy, you've both suffered a bereavement all in a short space of time. This isn't something I've experienced either, but I'd say it's important to allow yourselves to go through the grieving process in your own way. It affects everyone differently.  If you're struggling, consider some counselling geared at your situation. You both need comforting and holding in love while these emotions work their way through. 

[NoSelfSelf]

Her saying you are too pragmatic means she doesnt want you to fix things rather hear her out and ride her emotions making her open up even more...

[Nahm]

On 12/3/2021 at 5:52 PM, kray said:

What can I do, as the male in this relationship, to comfort her? In desperate need of some advice, as I never saw myself in a million years having to deal with this. 

I suggest a different thinking, than that of the self referential ‘I’m the male’ kind. 

Create a funeral. Don’t think about it, do it, for her. Schedule it, at a cemetery. It will help her to release. 

Let go of the framing of this being ‘something to deal with’, and move to there are some emotions to process. Contribute to her allowance of grieving & mourning.

Saying less is more. 

Those dreams will come to rest. 

(I don’t mean send invitations out etc, I just mean for you and her). 

Also, she’s likely imposing guilt on herself with some thoughts that it’s her fault or something she did or that there’s something she could have or should have done. Remind her God’s plan is bigger than that, and though things might not make sense now, they will. Doesn’t matter what ‘God’s plan’ means, she’ll resonate in feeling in a releasing ‘give it to God’ sense. 

[hamedsf]

I unintentionally impregnated my ex and she was happy with it while I was in deep shock since I've been in a time that been focusing on myself (study, career, finance)
I'm thankful that we both somehow got rid of that unwanted gift.
you know, I did all my best to get rid of that, but deep down, I was thinking if I couldn't prevent it, I'd accept her as a mom of my child. 
the moral of the story: 
even though it's much pleasurable to have skin-to-skin sex but these types of consequences, spoil all those pleasures!