Oh no...That feeling again...

[Javfly33]

I was in my room and suddenly I heard my roommate , who is my landlord too, just arrived and was talking with another roommate (both of them are girls).

I wanted to go out and give her the money of the month since in two days she will be traveling away. 

Suddenly realized I was feeling resistance to come out of the room. Da fuck.  I didn't understand why. But that situation of suddenly walking out of the door and saying something had some kind of that "social anxiety" energy that was giving me resistance.

But I said fuck it, lets be destroyed and feel. And with two pair of balls I walk out of that door, and just when I'm finishing saying "X, here's the money" suddenly the other roommate made a silly joke-gesture like saying "for me, for me" and THEN because they thought it wouldn't be enough to humiliate the loser enough, the other roommate made a joke about my outfit. At this point I'm basically mind-fogged, in the inside I feel like I am being attacked by 2 bullies, I can't even defend myself. I feel this feeling of impotence of not being able to defense myself. I re-conducted the conversation smartly to stopped feeling like I was being attacked by the joke.

Then I went back to my room and cried in impotence and that feeling of abuse for some good minutes.

Yes, sirs, I am fucking crazy. 

[Gianna]

It can be hard to tell the difference between when we are resisting and when our emotions are actually trying to guide us, point us in a direction, and thus, communicate with us. For instance, in this scenario, maybe your anxiety was trying to tell you to not go in that direction, to not take action, or that taking action would lead to a negative result. 

Any time we take action out of a negative feeling state we are inviting a negative result. This is because negative emotion is often an indicator that we are out of alignment with ourselves/ with our being. And so any subsequent action taken from an unaligned place (i.e a negative thought place or emotional state) will lead to an unaligned or negative outcome. We cannot expect to take action out of a negative/unaligned state and receive a positive/aligned outcome. So if your emotional response to the thought, "I should go out there" was negative (like anxiety) then that was your cue to not go in the direction of that thought (to not go out there). Let's say instead of anxiety, as a result to that thought you felt excitement– then that would be an indicator that you should follow through with that thought (act on it; go out there). 

Your anxiety was telling you what you need to do, but often times we instead bulldoze our own emotional guidance system because we think we need to overcome our resistance. Our resistance does not need to be bulldozed/overcome, it needs to be understood. Only through understanding can we come back into alignment with our core selves/being.  

Also recognize that if you get an emotional response– like anxiety– following a thought like, "you should go out there," that means that a part of you is not on board and is potentially afraid to go out there. In other words, you had a part of you that didn't want to go out there but you forced it to go out there anyway. If you force yourself to do something that a part of you doesn't want to do, then that not only leads to self-trust issues it also leads to low-self esteem and self-confidence issues. Only when we act out of a place of complete and total 100% alignment with all of our being it is possible to have both a positive result and a positive relationship with ourselves.

I think this experience is a great learning opportunity to always have your own back, to act only when you are in alignment, and to trust your emotional guidance system and discern between when you feel resistance and when your incredible body is offering you guidance (it is– after all– connected to everything that is and therefore has access to insight unavailable to the logical mind). 

 

Edited December 1, 2021 by Gianna