I HATE my children's mother!

[Loving Radiance]

5 hours ago, Adodd said:

She just wants love. She does these things to feel love. Looking at her life and the parents that i know she had it makes sense that she is doing these things. She had god awful parents and she is repeating how she was taught. I suppose I don't act the way she does only because I was lucky enough to have parents that taught me better. Its fair to assume that if I had the same conditioning I would have the same behavior. Its not her fault. She's not as lucky as me and that's a reason to be grateful not vengeful. I also dont want to be a person who is hateful to people because they are doing theyre best at feeling love. I know i have harmed others by trying to feel love in the in the wrong ways more times than I can count. I dont think I deserve hatred for it because I just didnt know any better. And neither does she.

We were both born as empty slates and I got luckier.

I feel real sympathy for her. Shes trying so hard to feel love and cant find it. She might never find it due to conditioning that was beyond her control. So sad. ?

Having now felt that realization, do you care for her?

What is the most loving thing you can do for her and the kids?

[Adodd]

@Loving Radiance

6 hours ago, Loving Radiance said:

Having now felt that realization, do you care for her?

I want to say yes like its that simple. But if im being honest there is still some resistance. A lot has happened over a long period of time. I'm empathetic towards her now but after feeling more into I have found that I feel guilty for not getting for not being able to protect them from what already happened to them. I feel lile that guilt was coming out as hatred towards her because thats easier to do than look at myself. 

I'm still working on it.

[Loving Radiance]

5 minutes ago, Adodd said:

I have found that I feel guilty ... for not being able to protect them from what already happened to them.

Can you love the past version that makes you feel guilty? Can you see that you didn't know better? It's like judging a child for not knowing.

Loving your past version means that you can decide right now that you will do better. It is being grateful for your past, that it happened. The gratitude might seem cruel with the context of abuse that happened, but can you feel grateful for the experience? Can you see that you are more mature & responsible because of it? Perhaps you can't see or feel that right now. If that's the case, then it's okay, this process takes time and cannot be rushed. The only thing you could then do is to become increasingly conscious of present emotions and how they lead you to actions in your life and how they make you believe things about yourself.

[Loba]

I'm sorry you and your kids went through that, if I were in your shoes I would feel anger, too.  That's totally natural.  Kudos to you for trying to do something about it, that's really proactive.  It does show that you are a mature adult.  TBH I would never even be able to get that far if I had kids and found out the ex did something to them.  That's a hard one to forgive.  You have to be a really big person to handle that kind of forgiveness.

[anxious_turtle]

On 11/30/2021 at 1:40 AM, Adodd said:

She has already put them through such bad trauma that still affects them today and possibly always will.

I'm so sorry for being rude, but what kind of a weak father are you? "Possibly always will"?! How dare you allow for your children to go through this?

I dare you to go up to your children, look them dead in the eyes and tell them that.

"Honey, this woman will haunt you for the rest of your life and I can't possibly do anything to stop that."

What kind of an attitude is this? You as a father are supposed to embody security for them. 

You're supposed to look them in their scared eyes and tell them with full conviction: "This will never happen to you again. Never. I will take care of it."

On 11/30/2021 at 1:40 AM, Adodd said:

How do I let this hate go?! I don't want it anymore.

Love your children. You don't love them enough, because if you did, you wouldn't be talking like that. Instead of "possibly always will", you'd be saying "I am working on never allowing this to happen to them ever again."

Don't you see that by trying to love this meth addict you're trying to avoid the responsibility of being a strong father who guarantees the security of his children?

You hate her because you subconsciously feel powerless against the damage she does to your children. Once you take 100% responsibility, once you commit fully to giving the needed security for your children no matter what it takes, you will feel content. THEN and only then are you allowed to work on that "Infinite unconditional love for meth addicts" hippy-bullsprinkles.

Your fear of taking responsibility for their security does not allow you to fully love them. Fear prevents you from love. If you took that responsibility, you would be able to love them so much that in your heart there would be no place for hate for anybody. You would be fully focused and committed to your children.

You don't hate her. You hate yourself for not being able to give your children the love they deserve "because of her".

On 11/30/2021 at 1:40 AM, Adodd said:

God hate feels bad. Its aweful. Makes me nauseous for days.

Nobody cares about how you feel. You are a father - you're supposed to be strong, you're not supposed to feel good. Take responsibility.

I'm sorry, but you really have no other choice than going through the helljob of being the best dad in the world. Otherwise, you will never be content with your life and your hate will grow bigger and bigger as you age, because deep down you will know that you have neglected your children.

Edited December 2, 2021 by anxious_turtle

[AdroseAkise]

Why would you sleep with such a devil?

[Loving Radiance]

@AdroseAkise Read the thread:

On 30.11.2021 at 7:04 AM, Adodd said:

I knocked her up almost a decade ago we split up 7 years ago and shes been a meth addict for 5 years.

[Adodd]

20 hours ago, anxious_turtle said:

I'm so sorry for being rude, but what kind of a weak father are you? "Possibly always will"?! How dare you allow for your children to go through this?

I dare you to go up to your children, look them dead in the eyes and tell them that.

"Honey, this woman will haunt you for the rest of your life and I can't possibly do anything to stop that."

What kind of an attitude is this? You as a father are supposed to embody security for them. 

You're supposed to look them in their scared eyes and tell them with full conviction: "This will never happen to you again. Never. I will take care of it."

Love your children. You don't love them enough, because if you did, you wouldn't be talking like that. Instead of "possibly always will", you'd be saying "I am working on never allowing this to happen to them ever again."

 

Im not sure why im defending myself to you as i know what all I have done and how much I  put into saving them from the situation they were once in. However, I'm not "still allowing them to go through it". I already put a stop to it and have been working through this with them ever since. Shes not even allowed to be around them weirdo. What is it that you assume I'm still allowing to happen to them?

And as far as you saying that i dont love them enough because I'm willing to admit the uncomfortable fact that trauma may always affect them shows me that you know little about trauma. 

I have done more than most parents ever have or will for their kids. If you think being a good parent is a Gauruntee to rid a child of any and all trauma you are extremely naive and ignorant.

20 hours ago, anxious_turtle said:

Nobody cares about how you feel. You are a father - you're supposed to be strong, you're not supposed to feel good. Take responsibility.

@anxious_turtle Yikes! I see you are quite triggered here.

The point of the post isnt about people feeling bad for me. Its about me working on letting go of hatred. So my feelings are very relevant to the post pal? what responsibility do you believe that i have not taken? Notice that i have not gone into great detail about the traumas or what i have done as a parent so there's a lot of assuming going on on your part.

@AdroseAkise So would I be correct that you have not even read the thread? She didnt uses to even smoke cigarettes or drink alcohol or anything at all but I didnt include such details in the original post because it isnt the point of the post. Some of these responses.... I might as well have posted this on tiktok or instagram.

Edited December 3, 2021 by Adodd

[Adodd]

20 hours ago, anxious_turtle said:

Once you take 100% responsibility, once you commit fully to giving the needed security for your children no matter what it takes, you will feel content. THEN and only then are you allowed to work on that "Infinite unconditional love for meth addicts" hippy-bullsprinkles.

this is the only logical thing you have said and I agree. Which is why (since I have long ago taken 100% responsibility in saving them and providing them with security no matter what it took) i am now working on ""Infinite unconditional love for meth addicts" hippy-bullsprinkles."

20 hours ago, anxious_turtle said:

You are a father - you're supposed to be strong,

Finding the address to where this woman fled state with my children to and working with police and court systems in multiple states every single day and night until it was taken care of and they lived with me 100% of the time took a strength and dedication that most fathers will never know.

20 hours ago, anxious_turtle said:

deep down you will know that you have neglected your children.

Saving my children from abuse and becoming as loving and open as possible now that theyve been safe for years?

There is nothing further from neglect than this situation.

20 hours ago, anxious_turtle said:

Don't you see that by trying to love this meth addict you're trying to avoid the responsibility of being a strong father

Please elaborate(or dont) on this ignorant statement@anxious_turtle .

By loving someone who is easy not to love and becoming loving and forgiving when it is difficult is the best thing I can do as a father in this situation. Forgiveness takes strength. This strength is something I will do my best to pass down to my children. 

What do you think would be a more responsible and strong decision? Being hateful and angry? C'mon dude. You gotta be trolling me. Also, overusing Bold, italicized and underline functions dont make your point more valid.

Edited December 3, 2021 by Adodd

[Adodd]

On 12/1/2021 at 5:17 PM, Loba said:

That's a hard one to forgive.  You have to be a really big person to handle that kind of forgiveness.

@Loba yes! I have worked so hard on forgiveness and have genuinely forgiven everyone I was holding anything against. This is the only person I have still struggled with. When someone wrongs ME its easy to forgive, when someone wrongs your children, its a little bit harder.

[Adodd]

@Loving Radiance

On 12/1/2021 at 8:54 AM, Loving Radiance said:

Can you love the past version that makes you feel guilty? Can you see that you didn't know better? It's like judging a child for not knowing.

.yes I'm using the same process of forgiveness towards myself that I'm using towards her. Your advice has truly been helpful by the way. Thank you!

[integral]

If a she’s a meth addict can’t you go to court and get a restraining order?

Edited December 4, 2021 by integral

[Adodd]

@integral No. Nowhere near that simple. Not unless she threatens harm or violence and even than its not a gauruntee. However the courts have already ordered that shes not allowed to be around them unless unless I say so and am supervising but she hasnt actually even tried or asked to see them in years so that specifically hasnt been the problem. 

Edited December 4, 2021 by Adodd

[Alex_R]

Its all on your mind

[AdroseAkise]

@Adodd I’ve only read the OP

[Loba]

@Adodd I would just keep at it, do your best, ignore comments here that don't resonate and keep chipping away at it as best you can.  I have a few people in my life I need to forgive, too, it takes time.  Child abuse is one of those things though that even I still have a hard time with; I can forgive a lot, but children have fragile psyches and need to be treated with care at all times and it is hard to forgive someone when they damage that, intentionally or not, because of the work it takes to undo, and the lack of really solid explanation you can give at that age.

The good thing is they have a mother figure in their lives right now that does the role properly, and a lot can be undone by having that genuine motherly presence.  Just keep doing your best and know you're on the right track.  Good luck, I'm really sorry to hear that happened to your little ones.  Not cool.

[tsuki]

On 30.11.2021 at 0:40 AM, Adodd said:

Step mom and I do so much to help them with this and bio mom wants to pop up and fuck with their heads as if she hasn't done enough damage.

I wouldn't be too judgmental about your difficult feelings towards her. Your children need your protection and you are giving your absolute best do provide it. Forgiveness does not imply that you should welcome her into your life as if nothing happened.