I HATE my children's mother!

[Adodd]

Geez that feels awful to admit. She has lost all custody rights and is a meth addict. She wants to pop up once a year and demand phone calls which confuses the kids who have a very loving step mom that has raised them since they were essentially babies. She has already put them through such bad trauma that still affects them today and possibly always will. Step mom and I do so much to help them with this and bio mom wants to pop up and fuck with their heads as if she hasn't done enough damage.

I wish she was dead. I hope she dies, honestly.

How do I let this hate go?! I don't want it anymore.

God hate feels bad. Its aweful. Makes me nauseous for days. I feel guilt for harboring hatred and will sometimes tell myself I don't actually HATE her but I know that I really do. It doesnt help me handle the issue the best way either.

Edited November 29, 2021 by Adodd

[Terell Kirby]

Sounds like you are in pain, extending my well wishes to you during this time.

3 minutes ago, Adodd said:

How do I let this hate go?!

Feel into the hate - be present with it, try to befriend it even. This doesn't mean acting on hate, but giving your attention to it so it can express itself, and be released. Counseling and therapy will help.

[Leo Gura]

See video: How To Forgive Anyone Who Hurt You

Forgiveness is the answer.

[mandyjw]

The guilt doesn't help you see from a new perspective. You can't see clearly on a subject if the subject keeps triggering you. So before you read what I wrote below, take care of how you feel first. Listening to music, taking time to go for a walk, etc is far more productive than trying to force a perspective shift in thinking. 

Even if it fucked with my head a bit, I would want my bio mom to call me rather than not to call me. You don't really know how it affects your children because you can't think for them. If I was your kid and I go on a roller coaster ride because I really want to see what it's like and I puke ALL OVER the place, you might think after the fact "DAMN, I shouldn't have let her go." But that was my decision. I wanted that experience. Maybe the ride was well worth the puking at the end. It's possible that your reaction causes them confusion about the phone calls than the phone calls themselves. The illusion of control and the weight of decision making and protection weighs heavy on parents. It doesn't have to. You can make intelligent decisions much better without the emotional baggage of needing to always do right by them. If I need to do right by them and I suffer for it I will HATE anyone who doesn't seem to be doing that in comparison. 

 They will love you and their stepmother even MORE if you freely allow them to love their bio mother if they so choose. Love is never limited. When you allow love it always becomes more, and more and more. You didn't come here to live a boringly perfect life, neither did your kids. You didn't come here for limited conditional love, neither did they. 

[happyhappy]

@Adodd this might be the most counter-intuitive thing but try looking at the issue from her point of view.

then u will see why see does what she does and the true reasons for her actions. if u r openminded enough , it will literally blow up ur mind when u see that she is not the person that u actually perceived to be....there wont be any hate anymore if u really try to look through her perspective!!!

 

[Adodd]

2 hours ago, mandyjw said:

You don't really know how it affects your children because you can't think for them. If I was your kid and I go on a roller coaster ride because I really want to see what it's like and I puke ALL OVER the place, you might think after the fact "DAMN, I shouldn't have let her go." But that was my decision. I wanted that experience. Maybe the ride was well worth the puking at the end. It's possible that your reaction causes them confusion about the phone calls than the phone calls themselves. 

Going on a rollar coaster and puking doesnt affect your long term well-being. If I found out there was something wrong with the ride and Thought (but didnt know) it was going to break apart and cripple the child long-term though its kinda different, ya know. 

Also I will say I make sure that I dont have these reactions in front of them and sure as hell dont tell them what is really on my mind. When I say "it doesnt help how I handle things" I really mean with how I talk to her over text messages, not how I am with the kids. Once they are involved I can put my emotions aside for awhile and just be there for them. Now once they're in bed or I'm at work its a different story.

2 hours ago, mandyjw said:

The illusion of control and the weight of decision making and protection weighs heavy on parents. It doesn't have to. You can make intelligent decisions much better without the emotional baggage of needing to always do right by them. If I need to do right by them and I suffer for it I will HATE anyone who doesn't seem to be doing that in comparison. 

I already feel guilty for not being fast enough to stop her from the harm she already did. She ran off with them and by the time we got them back they had cuts, bruises, burns and black eyes. We believe there was also sexual abuse. 

 

2 hours ago, mandyjw said:

. Love is never limited. When you allow love it always becomes more, and more and more. You didn't come here to live a boringly perfect life, neither did your kids. You didn't come here for limited conditional love, neither did they. 

Of course my mind knows you are right. But because of my love for them my heart wants to protect them. 

@mandyjw Thank you for an honest response.

[Adodd]

3 hours ago, Terell Kirby said:

This doesn't mean acting on hate

@Terell Kirby well damn... Why not?             Just joking

I have been working on feeling into it. It wasnt until feeling into that I realized how awful it really is. Its infectious and I never realized it before. Thank you.

 

 

 

Edited November 30, 2021 by Adodd

[Adodd]

3 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

See video: How To Forgive Anyone Who Hurt You

Forgiveness is the answer.

@Leo Gura  I can of course mentally accept that forgiveness is the answer but the act is a bit more difficult. Thank you for the  video reccomendation.

[Leo Gura]

@Adodd Do the exercise in the video. This is not an intellectual matter.

[mamad]

11 hours ago, Adodd said:

Geez that feels awful to admit. She has lost all custody rights and is a meth addict. She wants to pop up once a year and demand phone calls which confuses the kids who have a very loving step mom that has raised them since they were essentially babies. She has already put them through such bad trauma that still affects them today and possibly always will. Step mom and I do so much to help them with this and bio mom wants to pop up and fuck with their heads as if she hasn't done enough damage.

it is sad to hear this story :(.

11 hours ago, Adodd said:

God hate feels bad.  

I feel guilt for harboring hatred and will sometimes tell myself I don't actually HATE her but I know that I really do. It doesnt help me handle the issue the best way either.

whatever happens within you at the moment is not wrong nor right, it is just your condition at the moment. do not feel guilty about it. we are not responsible for our thoughts and emotions, it came out of nowhere and will go out of nowhere, what we are responsible is how we deal with them and our action that arises from those thoughts and emotions.

and do not TRY to change your hate towards your ex. sit with it and SURRENDER to it. it will leave your body when you stop resisting it.

Edited November 30, 2021 by mamad

[How to be wise]

@Adodd The fact that you got involved with a meth addict and knocked her up says a lot about you. Birds of a feather flock together.

[Adodd]

@How to be wise lol. So what does the fact that you assume she was a meth addict when i knocked her up say about you?

I knocked her up almost a decade ago we split up 7 years ago and shes been a meth addict for 5 years. Ironic that your name is "how to be wise" Who are you to pull assumptions out of thin air? I would never get involved with a meth addict and I've never done meth. Its difficult to get a mother stripped of custody but it was easy for me. This is because it was extremely easy for me to prove beyond a doubt that I was sober and provided a caring safe home. Not because "birds of a feather flock together" but hey, thanks for the constructive criticism.

"How to be wise" 101: shove your bold incorrect assumptions up your ass ?

Edited November 30, 2021 by Adodd

[Leo Gura]

1 hour ago, How to be wise said:

@Adodd The fact that you got involved with a meth addict and knocked her up says a lot about you. Birds of a feather flock together.

Don't be an asshole.

[Loving Radiance]

@Adodd So, if I read your op, you don't want advice on what to in this situation right? Then I also suggest what people before me wrote: Before you do any action, first process the hate by doing the forgiveness exercise.

[Adodd]

@Loving Radiance

I'm not against advice. I have set some time aside today for specifically for doing the excercise alone and having time to contemplate after. Maybe ill post about it here afterward.

[mandyjw]

@Adodd

13 hours ago, Adodd said:

Going on a rollar coaster and puking doesnt affect your long term well-being. If I found out there was something wrong with the ride and Thought (but didnt know) it was going to break apart and cripple the child long-term though its kinda different, ya know. 

I do know but I used a more random lighthearted example to ease you into seeing from a different perspective, since this "real" one is much heavier. 

Love does not look back and it's not worried about the future. Love/peace is actual well being. Our idea of wellbeing is not the actual thing. We will sometimes start wars in order to secure well being for someone we love. Why, because we forgot what we really wanted. The essence of it, the being of it. 

Howtobewise unintentionally brought up a huge collective societal pain point that the stuff taught around this forum has the potential to totally blast through, heal and transform. Note how the "war on drugs" never works. Note how shame and blame never works. Note how it's integrally part of the problem of drug abuse. Note how absolutely shitty that perspective that he shared felt. Now, this comment was perhaps the most important comment in this thread. It's most key to loving her. When we are triggered, there's something really important behind an ugly façade. 

Why are there meth addicts? Because many drugs tap a person into feeling some of the love that they really are. They may be cutting themselves off from it in so many ways, but when they take that substance, the mind shuts down. It doesn't know hate for a time. It doesn't know separation. it doesn't know self doubt. It doesn't know unworthiness. What's left? Love. But because the substance is credited with the feeling that results as a lack of resistance, the resistance in life around that substance becomes HUGE. Life falls apart around it. 

You are either the light leading her to what she truly is, beyond the substance, or you are more resistance telling her she is a piece of shit when she isn't using it. 

You love. You ARE love. I have so much respect and appreciation for you right now, as a mother with young kids, this forum is full of young men who think having children is a dumb choice and you're over here being a rockstar parent. I know how hard and transformational beyond anything else it is. But we ourselves as parents, (like the abused substance) are never the credit for that love... we are not the source of Love for our children. They already are it. Love is knowing that, and it transforms without resistance and waring against. 

Do you see how this is all really about one thing? Do you see what walls of misunderstanding in so many areas can be shattered? Do you see that there are no bad people, no asshole comments, but really this is all your own pure Light? 

 

 

Edited November 30, 2021 by mandyjw

[Nahm]

19 hours ago, Adodd said:

How do I let this hate go?! I don't want it anymore.

God hate feels bad. Its aweful. Makes me nauseous for days. I feel guilt for harboring hatred and will sometimes tell myself I don't actually HATE her but I know that I really do. It doesnt help me handle the issue the best way either.

Mentally involving her, like acceptance or forgiveness of her will not really resolve this, precisely because that approach is separative, conceptual, and intellectual. By this I mean of course, how you feel. When that is aligned, you can not be moved her, nor by a million of her. I’ll wager my house there is nothing more you desire for you kids, than for them to truly know, that, by fully knowing this. So you gotta know this, cause as you & I both know when it comes to the actuality of having kids, words don’t teach. Only what is exemplified matters. 

In the instant you consider you don’t have hate, there is the slight relief of a new way of experiencing this situation. In the recognition hate is not a thing you have, but is an emotion you are experiencing , there is more relief, albeit subtle.

Notice, as in effortlessly acknowledge, you are of course already experiencing & expressing anger, discouragement, and blame… and also worry & doubt on behalf of the continuance of the well being of yourself, your wife, and your kids.

Obviously with what you’re experiencing, there is the experience of disappointment on her behalf (bio-mum), and this can understandably be overwhelming, resulting in frustration, and pessimistic thoughts about the future and well being therein of yourself & your family. 

You might also be experiencing boredom as well… your normal energies to focus on and do what you do, but without your typical focus, desire and inspiration & inclination, to do it. 

The seemingly intuitive way to resolve this, would be to figure out what to do about it, and then proceed to do that. That can work, but perhaps this thread is the implication that what normally works for you, isn’t per se working here, and a different approach or understanding is thus asked for. 

I suggest that different approach, which will very likely initially sound counter intuitive to you, is selfishness. Imo, you gotta ‘get yourself right’ first, which to me, means feeling great, which to me means alignment. Taking your mind and the attention of, off of her & thoughts of her, and onto your own personal well being, mental relaxation, and alignment. This ‘letting it go’, if only for a moment or a day, is recognized as feeling the emotion of contentment. Not a concept of, but the confirmation in feeling of actually having made the choice to shift the focus selfishly, to your own peace of mind & well being. I know the ‘pull’ when it involves your kids, and I am still suggesting what I am. 

The reason I recommend selfishness in this way, is because when you start feeling that alignment, which is felt by default of letting this matter go for at least enough time to feel contentment, you then naturally experience thoughts of hopefulness. Yeah, I know, even with this, even with bio-mum. Likely seems impossible now, but what’s being said here is that is the power of contentment and hopefulness. 

Upon feeling hopefulness, new & more aligned thoughts about this, which aren’t arising now, will arise. Jesus referred to this as ‘the fertile soil’, which new thoughts (seeds) can grow in, resulting in the tree’s you desire to create & experience. This will feel significantly better. 

These ‘seeds’ will be of positive expectations, beliefs, and you will feel, truly feel, optimism, via the optimistic thoughts. 

Not sure I’d say this next part if you were sittin next to me, cause I wouldn’t blame you for throwing something at me… but… the only possible experience to follow in kind, will be enthusiasm, eagerness, and happiness - and I do mean precisely, thoughts, insights, epiphanies of that feeling-flavor. feeling-flavor. Again, might sound like impossible nonsense at the moment. Maybe it is. But you’d have to check the direct experience of what is being suggested. Maybe you already are. Dunno. 

From that vibrational offering, will indeed arise thoughts, and the corresponding emotion of, passion. Our greatest headaches so to speak, are the doorway to our greatest compassion, that which we feel passion to change, in alignment with the well being and power of, that which we truly are. 

 

Nothing said here is intended to tell you want you should do, only a suggestion, a friendly reminder really, of the well to which you could go for such solutions and ways forward, and perhaps of suggestion of how to get ‘back’ to ‘it’. That well is infallible, because that well is you, and you are the creator of your reality. Not in a past, and not on behalf of bio-mum or anyone else, as that would not be realistic nor necessary. But there can be great, great compassion for bio-mum, from your true place of recognition of who you really are. A well she is very much struggling to remember, or get back to, in having no example. 

 

“When you are slumbering on your bed, He opens your ears and seals your instruction”.  Moses

Relaxation & well being (alignment) are often over looked or highly underestimated in times like these. But thank God for the living message, and our ability to receive it’s instruction.  The sea indeed will part for you, and I wish you, and all involved the best. 

 

No one should ever read this as it will only lead you to misery and suffering and you will never create the life you actually desire. You’ve been amply warned. Click at your own risk.  

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqr98O8QT3M

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfI8huo5jd4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q6sopIKFJeU

 

[Adodd]

So I just did @Leo Gura's forgiveness excercise, wow. Powerful and effective and if anyone reading this can relate to my original post at all I highly suggest the video. Very emotional process.

What I discovered:(I really already knew this but was deeply resisting it. )

She just wants love. She does these things to feel love. Looking at her life and the parents that i know she had it makes sense that she is doing these things. She had god awful parents and she is repeating how she was taught. I suppose I don't act the way she does only because I was lucky enough to have parents that taught me better. Its fair to assume that if I had the same conditioning I would have the same behavior. Its not her fault. She's not as lucky as me and that's a reason to be grateful not vengeful. I also dont want to be a person who is hateful to people because they are doing theyre best at feeling love. I know i have harmed others by trying to feel love in the in the wrong ways more times than I can count. I dont think I deserve hatred for it because I just didnt know any better. And neither does she.

We were both born as empty slates and I got luckier.

I feel real sympathy for her. Shes trying so hard to feel love and cant find it. She might never find it due to conditioning that was beyond her control. So sad. ?

[Adodd]

@Raze thank you for the additional resources.

I'm amazed by the great responses ive gotten on this. This forum is great.