Casual Journal

[Yoremo]

I´m just going to spill out my thoughts here to make sense of everything in my head and achieve more clarity. But feel free to comment if you want to.

I´m at a crossroad in my life and I really need to pull myself together, people be like "but you´re only 17 you´re still young", but if I keep thinking that I have another shot I´ll be thinking the same until all my life has flown by.

I feel so sorry for people that don´t have a idea about what life´s about or anything about themselves, it´s so sad and I see it everywhere. That´s why I want to make this journey myself to actually honor my life and live it in a way that I can feel good about. I want to feel good, I know that the possibilities are so huge if I only can be more conscious of my actions and thought and be more aware. I almost feel like every problem in my life is lack of awareness in some form. But it´s so deceiving and so hard to find out how I can think to not live this miserable life. Right now it´s miserable, I´ve been sick now for like 1.5 week and I´ve had the worst round of youtube binge and movie binge, but I do feel pretty accepting of it now, it´s not like before where I´d be supermad but still I don´t like the feeling I get from watching youtube and movies all day but now atleast I´m not ruining myself everytime. I try to accept it, but accepting is so hard and I don´t really know how to do it, and I think accepting is a word that can´t be explained simply in words, it can be in emotion but I´m unsure if my emotion of how acceptance feels is right. But it doesn´t matter, all that matters is that I´m moving forward and trying my best, if I fail I fail. 

Sometimes I feel so hopeless about my mind, it sometimes feels that I have to do so much to better my mentality and that I have to take so much action, and it makes me so demotivated, but I feel that there might be a much better way. It´s crazy how much perspective changes things, it´s like if I look at my life and I have the perspective of "I have so much that I need to improve and I haven´t done anything in the past" I will feel like the most unworthy person on the planet but if I just change it and use my mind to see the situation in a more positive light like "I don´t need to think about what I have and haven´t done in the past, I have the control now to be better every moment of my life" and just changing it like that have such an impact. But the thing is if you get caught up in a perspective and forget that it´s a perspective and mistake it for the truth, that´s when things go wrong. And usually that uncounsciousness compounds for me, like the past week, I felt powerless and so I stayed up until like 2 am on average just watching youtube and being in pity of myself, that´s just because I had built up the momentum of that perspective and really set my reality in that light so changing it just gets harder and harder, and it feels like some force is holding me by the computer. Like yesterday, I was watching youtube for hours at night, and I noticed that my eyes weren´t even fucking focusing on the screen, I was just looking into the distance, I wasn´t listening to the video, I wasn´t watching the video, I was just doing it in the foggiest of mental fogs. But thank god I´m feeling better now and I can go back into my routine, and funny thing is that going back to my routines isn´t even that hard, it´s just that there´s something preventing my consciousness in some fucked up way, I don´t know what it is and why it is and probably that´s why I sometimes just get in those ruts.

So I´m going to try a new method to developing myself. I´m going to force myself to upgrade my habits and everything gradually and I´m going to try to be very conscious about every part of the process. So I already have a habit of meditation which is strong, I also have pretty good reading habits on the bus to school aswell as doing something with my time during breaks in school. So now I´m going to install the habit of performing the sentence completions in "the six pillars of self-esteem". So I´m just going to install that habit and be very aware about how it goes and see if it is something I want to keep going with, because usually when I get out of ruts I just want to install like 3 habits at once, and I do have good discipline so usually I follow through, but the result is never good doing that in such a stupid way. The way that´s unconscious is that I tell myself that "just do these things and it will become a lot better", and by doing so I shut of the awareness, because now I have already found the solution to my problem so I don´t need to do any rigorous mental work, I don´t really know why it works that way but it does, either it is because I´m not doing the habits good enough because I already feel satisfyed or that I´m doing too much at once or whatever but that doesn´t matter, the only thing that matters is that it doesn´t work.

So well I´m going to try and keep up good habits and develop better self-esteem, happiness and whatever, but I also have to try to find something that I want to do in my life. Maybe how I should see it is that football is just one option, and that I need to consider other stuff aswell to now miss out. But I´m so confused as to what´s right and wrong for me in terms of what I choose to do with my life, I know that it can change over time but I just don´t know what will make me feel the way I want to feel. So it´s here that I´m stuck the most, and I feel that I´m becoming bitter, angry and hopeless because my life doesn´t have meaning aswell as I don´t have working coping mechanisms with my loneliness and with how I´m feeling in regards to my family. I feel that my mom loves me, but fuck does she seem to not do that, she´s always wanting to rack down on me and I know that it´s only possible because of the lack of purpose I have in life-- I´m weak right now, and she can feel it and consciously or not she´s being a fucking asshole most of the time and I try to be as calm around her as possible but it´s hard to cope with anything I have discovered when I don´t have any purpose, like before when I had football to a much more extent I could respond much more calmness and it made her calmer too because I had that foundation inside of me which was my purpose.

Fuck do I want to love everything much more, I´m so sick of being this pissed of, bitter nonsocial little brat. I want to love my life more and that´s why I want to make a awesome life, and I guess it has to start somewhere so I´ll start with meditation, sentence completions to increase my self-esteem and consciousness, and learning through videos, books, audio whatever. And when I learn and develop myself enough and figure out stuff about my life like my purpose and such then I can begin to feel good. Also, I think that I have been trying to chase success, because that=happiness. But really I think that I´m starting to change on that point, I think that success in an area of life that I really enjoy+ knowing mental principles and knowing more about the world =happiness. Well, I´ll try my best. But anyhow I do have hope, not consistently but there is hope, and I think that I can pull through and make my life into a good one, I really do, although I don´t know how yet but I know that it will happen some way.

Edited November 29, 2021 by Yoremo

[Yoremo]

Feeling amazing to finally start getting back into a good sleep routine and general work routine. I slept 3 hours today because I couldn´t sleep, but that was expected because I´ve been up to 3-4am the last few days and then I know I won´t be able to sleep earlier than that. But nonetheless I feel good. I do feel that I should quit drinking coffee though, I really don´t feel very good drinking that shit, but it tastes so good, I don´t think I´m addicted to the substance I´m just addicted to the taste. Maybe I should try and quit, but at the same time I have more important stuff to focus on and I don´t feel comfortable in my knowledge about addictions to quit in a smart way.

So I´m back to school, feels better than being at home but I do feel insecure as fuck all the time, can´t even walk around other people without feeling inferior and feeling like I have eyes on me. I think that this is definitely because my life is so without purpose now and I lack self respect and self esteem so I feel so vulnerable right now. I don´t know how to handle my classmates either, like should I hang out with them and kind of go along with the bullshit they pull or should I just do what feels right? They´re always just talking shit, and they´re so fucking "smart" so it´s fucking embarrasing, I don´t even know to who. And everyone is so fucking dependent on each others company and I can see that everybosy else is feeling the same feeling, although all may not be conscious of it. I don´t get how I can be so fake, but I guess I don´t need to be, I can just be myself and try and find good people, otherwise I´ll just have to be superconscious of my thought process or else I will get so tired of them, I have to forget the bullshit and be the best me either way. But it´s so hard when I don´t have a foundation of a purpose or goal. Although I do have a goal: to install good habits and find/create my life purpose. And while it may seem so hopeless right now I can get out of this rut, and I feel that I can come out of the complete lack of routine and discipline, but the big thing is whether I can come out of my emotional rut, which is most definitely based on the meaningless I feel in life. How I´ll resolve that I´m not quite sure, but I´m going to try my absolute best because I know that there is a much more appealing reality waiting for me. I´ll try and first and foremost achieve clarity to be able to do anything, other than that it´s just learning which is going to get me out. But I do need to develop a better system for learning, I feel that some advice is mostly directed to mental habits and I just find it really difficult to develop those habits. And I have of course also not been aware enough in the past so I´ve not even installed those practical habits that are more concrete, but through holding myself accountable here I should be better off than before. 

I really don´t know how I should be able to look out for other passions, in my search for my life purpose, maybe I should buy Leo´s life purpose course? I don´t know though because I have just spent a lot of money on getting my body fixed and I will probably have to spend more money too on that. I really don´t know how I´m supposed to pull through, I´m going to see some psychologist (i think that´s what it is called) and maybe I can get some guidance there. But last time it was so lame, the woman I was talking to was just saying all the time that "you think so well, you´re so aware", yeah, I fucking know I´m pretty self aware but I´m lost so help me! Well, I feel good, life´s good and I´m glad that I´m not sick much anymore, although I need to get myself to not get sick so much more because it´s not helpful. But I look forward to this week and the next few weeks, I feel that I have something going on, maybe it will not show until months or years, but I do feel that I´m on the right path.

[Yoremo]

clarification to myself: the reason I want to improve my habits and optimize my life is because when I do find my life purpose I should be able to act on it from a stable foundation, so the motivation for this habitbuilding is going to be the hope for a better future and just the positive picture I have in my mind of what my future can be like if I develop what I can right now. Focus on what I can control, acknowledge what I can´t and let it go.

I really do need to find a path to find my life purpose, I need to clarify this because right now I´m just mumbling about life purpose but I´ve to actually have something to go on.

[Yoremo]

I feel very demotivated to do any school work right now. Like what´s the point. I guess I just have to stick with it, and I can be motivated of the thought that if I don´t do it right now I won´t be able to do anything else either, I just have to do that work right now, I can´t just quit. And procrastinating about it right now is only going to spill over other things, so it´s really in my interest right now to do the work, since I am still in school. 

I feel so tired today but my routines are coming back together again, which is nice. Slept like 8.5 hours last night or something so I´m on my way. Just feel so dead today. But I have to make good use of my time now so I don´t need to redo anything or so that I don´t need to do schoolwork when I really want to work on myself like weekends and such, aswell as I won´t be able to rest anything then. 

Other than feeling sleepy I feel pretty neutral, not so conscious of what I´m doing but trying my best. I will really grind this day out so I´ll be able to sleep good tonight and then I´ll just feel better everyday, but today and maybe tomorrow is going to be tough, but that´s welcome.

[Yoremo]

Feelings going up and down. My body is still hurting, I don´t know if the training I´m doing is doing any good for me and I feel so uncertain sometimes. But I discipline my mind to focus on the positive, the chance that it´s going to work out well. My progress physically is so rough and it has always been so bad so I can´t really imagine that I have found something that actually will work this time. Progress will be up and down, there will be up and downs, but in my past the end result has always been a down so that´s what´s haunting my head at the moment: what if I just wasted a LOT of money and time on something that doesn´t work?

But no matter if it works or not, it will bring me closer to my goals. I will do my best to recover and sleep as much as I can, eat as good of food as I can, hydrate and keep a positive mind. The most important is that I don´t follow the natural ups and downs in life with my mind, my mind shall be forever set and focused, there is no time to waste on having my mind wawer. I will start to commit now, if I don´t I won´t get anything, if I do I´ll either succed or I won´t, but if I don´t commit I won´t even know if I succeded or not because I didn´t set a conscious intention. 

Fuck school thoug, I´m trying to stay positive and just do the work. Well, I´ll have to continue doing that but thank god music exists, because otherwise school wouldn´t be as easy as it actually is.

Today I feel pain in my achilles for some reason, everytime I get some kind of setback like this I succumb to a negative, hopeless mindset, but not this time, this time I will keep my mind on the positive for a change and keep on doing good, I will not get stuck in my mind and negative though loops, because I will just observe this and then it will go away and I will be able to focus on whatever I want.

I realized that meditation is so good because it allows my mind to slow down in some way so that I can consciously choose what I want to focus on, aswell that meditation just feels good, I feel this warm feeling in my entire body and I feel so god damn calm and I can feel unstoppable for that little while.

Fuck do I feel insecure in school, and everywhere else. I care so much it´s not even funny. I don´t know how to handle it, maybe there is nothing to do in the moment but rather the insecurity I feel is a direct result of lack of purpose and goals and self esteem because of a lack of self respect etc.

[Yoremo]

Feeling a lot better now, getting into a routine now again which feels so good, starting to get really good sleep again since my sickness, although still getting very sleepy periods during the day.

Feeling less and less intruiged to watch youtube, although I still watch it it isn´t as bad as it was as when I was sick. everything is starting to get put together. 

Starting to realize that I can choose what kind of thought I focus on and what kind of thoughts I just accept and let flow by. The last days of meditation has brought to me such a positive feeling about life (not present all the day but still), like I understand more now, either I can let my reality be the worst imaginable or I make it the best imaginable, because it feels like I am creating something with my mind, either I´m creating some beautiful heaven-like existence or I´m creating hell, but I´m completely responsible and completely in control when I understand this.

I feel such good feelings sometimes that I can´t even begin to explain- it´s impossible. That´s the same for negative feelings aswell. The most reocurring negative feeling is that of hopelessness, mostly when I´m focusing on thoughts like "there´s so much to do and understand", or "it´s going so bad for me I feel so bad", or "I´m so lost buhu", but the main point that I want to internalize and embody is that if I think these thoughts, focus on them and then feel the corresponding feelings, then it´s my making. Every feeling has to go through my mental processes to be allowed to determine my feelings, I know this because if I remain vigilant and face pain and fear and uncertainty with courage and affirmation that "it´s going to be okay no matter what" then I don´t feel the same way, and I can live my life in the awy I want. I guess this is the LOA. 
I think I seek after meaningful company very badly too, I have no friends and I definitely have no best friend. Today when I was with some girls I couldn´t even fucking meet their face, I shyed away and turned away my look everytime we talked and our eyes met, this is the result of a man not meeting his needs of pursuing something greater than him and developing himself and being the person he wants to be, and this is what I want to change. 

OBSERVATION:

I have already tried the "no pain no gain" disciplined approach to life, and while I will continue doing that, the non beneficial mindset that I had was that I will just outwork everybody. However I realize that I have to also work smart, because if I don´t work smart then I can work as hard as I can but not get where I want to be and I will probably fuck up something in my life, like I did when I trained too hard and too much and too stupidly: I injured myself and now my body is a wreck and it derailed me pretty bad. But I don´t feel bad about such things anymore because I see it as a necessety to come to where I want to go, it´s a learning process and that includes experiences that feel devastating in the moment, but that´s only because I can´t see the bigger picture when that´s happening, but I will make myself insightful enough to not be blind in those moments, because the sooner I can accept those defeats the sooner I can get back on track.

[Yoremo]

I have to be really fucking cautious right now. I´m getting that feeling "wow I´m improving" that so often leads me to self-sabotage by doing too much or doing something wrong and just wasting time. I have to really take the time to contemplate whether something is to be a part of my life and not just accept stuff blindly, that is stupid. So I´m going to think about this and try and make sense of it in terms of how I´m supposed to go forward with my development and stuff.

I feel hopeless fucking again, my achilles tendon hurt just when I´m walking and I can´t fucking believe it, it´s hurting again but it should have been relieved like 3 fucking weeks ago but now it´s no better than before. Hope it´s not something fucking bad. I don´t know why I´m so reactive to things like that, I´m so up and down when it comes to emotions, just three days ago I was feeling motivated and inspired by the change I had, and now one setback later I feel like shit. I don´t know how to resolve this because it´s just so complex for my small brain and shitty work ethic. I need to keep up my work ethic but still keep time for contemplation and reflection so that I don´t get ahead of myself. I need to be smart in this, I can´t just go for it and just discipline my way through this, it´s far more complex than that. But it just feels complex of course, it´s not really so let´s fucking learn some stuff ey.