Reconstruction of traumatic memories and experiences during awakening

[Nadosa]

So there are some memories I go through sometimes that still leave me shaking in fear.

I wanted to face them in the eyes of a new understanding after some bouts of very intense suffering considering my identity and life.

My journey started here in 2017. My first post was a post that marked the beginning of the unraveling of my true nature.

I tried to rationalize my experience. I felt inherently lost. So I tried to describe my experiences via weird stories no one really could grasp. Totally understandable, because I didn't know what was real and what was not.

During one week, 4 years ago - it is still so vividly present in thoughts - there was something that had however decided that it couldnt live anymore, call it ego death whatever. It felt like... hm let's use the analogy of the caterpillar and the butterfly. The caterpillar started to pop out of its cocoon.

My main issue was: I couldnt grasp the hell how "I" could make it from one side to the other side, better said you cant know!

 I had no clue that I would be safe on the other side. Its like the Caterpillar not knowing that he would be the butterfly when let go of the cocoon, so the process was so damn hard in a way of the self or Ego not knowing "where it would go", so I tried to make sense out of it in thoughts, because it felt like "I didnt know where to go after this process", so it became pretty painful for me.

I always thought about it as a process from one point to another point, which quite frankly didnt make any sense to the mind or self, because the only way for the self was to "die" in order to see whats already there. Like to quote Rumi here: "Be melting snow. Wash yourself of yourself."

 

I didnt get that, except for @Brimstone, who said the Truth was knocking at my door.

I felt like I was just at the mercy of an ongoing process that felt like I had no control over and I would go insane and so each and every second of "letting go" was so painful because I always thought "THATS ME MAN FUCK I DONT WANNA DIE, STAY HERE", feeling like with each passing day the self was automatically let go of without me being able to control anything. I didnt understand it so I tried to grasp with the mind. Mind cant grasp.

This brought about the deepest suffering I have ever experienced, because it's like death but you resist it so that is what makes it the fuck ungraspably painful. The suffering is completely...unnecessary. If one embraces the Unknown they will find themselves in much better light afterwards. 

Dont choose suffering, choose freedom, choose feeling above thought. @Nahm

 

 

Edited November 28, 2021 by Nadosa

[Nadosa]

4 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

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Edited November 28, 2021 by Nadosa

[Nadosa]

Would like to quote Adyashanti here:

"As soon as you can let go of what was, and the way you thought it was going to be, and who you thought you were going to be, how that was going to secure everything. The sooner you let go of that, even thought it’s kind of behind you already…. the sooner you allow it to be gone, because you see you are transforming…."

 

"You know those romantic ideas of the caterpillar becoming a butterfly…. used in spiritual books, the caterpillar goes into the cocoon and becomes a butterfly. What happens in that cocoon? The caterpillar goes “what the hell, it was not a good idea to weave this damn thing. This is not a cocoon, it’s a coffin.” The transformation starts to happen. “Oh my God, I am not going to be the same person I was when this finishes.”

You don’t know where it’s going. There is no relation between a caterpillar and a butterfly. A butterfly is not a flying caterpillar. Caterpillars and butterflies don’t have much to do with each other. There is a transformation at the seat of your consciousness that happens. And the transformation is like what I am describing. As it is happening, there is a fear and reaching back to how it was.

The way forward seems so blind, doesn’t it? You have no idea. You are moving into a new way of being that you have no operating manual for. You had a good operating manual for the dream state. Highly functional, illusory egoic self. At least you knew how to function in the dream state. That makes it even more weird, when that whole thing starts to transform. I understand that. Don’t imagine that where you feel yourself to be now…. that’s not the destination point. You are already moving through it. You can only go through it, there is no going back."

[Nahm]

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