I hate myself so much

[B_HAZ]

I hate myself, I hate how my face look I hate how my body look I hate my personality and the way I speak I'm stupid awkward and not smart at all not creative I don't have anything that makes me feel good about myself , my level of consciousness is low I'm not emotionally developed don't have skills don't have job don't know what I want to do no family no friends . Extremely dysfunctional \traumatic childhood

I'm weak ,pathetic, liar, people pleaser ,coward

I can't live with this version of myself anymore ,I hate this identity so much I want to start my life over I want to let go everything about this identity I even want to change my name .. I want to reinvent myself  again from scratch I don't want anything from the past I want to forget everything about the old me  

Don't talk to me about self love .. this identity is a trauma response and a result of a dysfunctional childhood and painful past I went through its not the real me so no matter how much love I give myself I won't truly feel it because this identity is a pile of coping mechanisms 

I was 99% close to killing myself that 1% stoped me because I thought maybe I could completely forget about this person I'm today and design myself again the way I want to by my choice 

I'm completely lost I need advice 

Where should I start ? and how do I know if my new choices are authentic 

Edited November 27, 2021 by B_HAZ

[Preety_India]

Then go ahead and design yourself from a scratch and leave your negative mindset behind.

Also understand that 99% of whatever negative you think of yourself is a part of cultural and social conditioning. 

Don't think anything about yourself. It's pure judgement. Keep moving forward toward happiness and health and give your life your best shot 

 

[B_HAZ]

@Preety_India Do you have ideas on how can I start this journey ? I want to start now 

And how do I know what I want is coming from an authentic place and not just repeating my old pattern and create another dysfunctional identity  

 

Edited November 27, 2021 by B_HAZ

[Preety_India]

@B_HAZ learn more about shadow work. 

You will have to do self inquiry everyday like Leo says. Then gradually you will be able to recognize your older patterns instantly. And not repeat them. 

Sit daily and contemplate yourself and make a thorough move to slowly improve yourself in baby steps. 

It is possible if you keep trying. You will gradually learn to leave your past behind. 

This needs a lot if grit and practice 

Three things 

• Shadow work, self inquiry 
• Contemplation 
• Baby steps everyday 

See Leo videos on self inquiry. 

 

[Preety_India]

Resources for shadow work. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Rilles]

"I hate myself" Is a thought. Examine if the thought is truthful or if there are other perspectives. What if you tried only loving yourself for an entire day? Could you do that as an experiment?

[silene]

3 hours ago, B_HAZ said:

Extremely dysfunctional \traumatic childhood

Your behaviour and belief system is effectively your survival mechanism to survive your dysfunctional childhood. It's layered over your amazing and beautiful human being which lies cowering beneath, hidden out of fear.  

You don't need to reinvent yourself from scratch, but leave the past, in the past. 

3 hours ago, B_HAZ said:

Don't talk to me about self love .. this identity is a trauma response and a result of a dysfunctional childhood and painful past I went through its not the real me so no matter how much love I give myself I won't truly feel it because this identity is a pile of coping mechanisms 

Exactly! You are re-living the coping mechanisms from a past and painful situation. But in a sense, it worked, you survived to live another day, and now the job is to re-tune yourself to the present environment. Rather than facing the present with the past mechanisms still in operation. 

My suggestion is to find a good therapist who specialises in treating childhood trauma.  Nothing wrong with the spiritual work too, but if you're struggling it's hard to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps, so to speak. Getting help from an expert is no weakness, especially when you're lacking the unconditional love which we need from childhood. 

Edited November 27, 2021 by silene

[B_HAZ]

3 hours ago, Preety_India said:

@B_HAZ learn more about shadow work. 

You will have to do self inquiry everyday like Leo says. Then gradually you will be able to recognize your older patterns instantly. And not repeat them. 

Sit daily and contemplate yourself and make a thorough move to slowly improve yourself in baby steps. 

It is possible if you keep trying. You will gradually learn to leave your past behind. 

This needs a lot if grit and practice 

Three things 

• Shadow work, self inquiry 
• Contemplation 
• Baby steps everyday 

See Leo videos on self inquiry. 

 

Thanks preety I appreciate your response 

I will start doing this for sure

 

[B_HAZ]

@silene I'm already working with both a life coach and a therapist.. but I struggle with telling them everything 

 

[B_HAZ]

@Rilles I did try this but I felt I'm just deceiving myself I can think this thought all day long but not being able truly feel it 

[Gregory1]

3 hours ago, B_HAZ said:

I hate myself, I hate how my face look I hate how my body look I hate my personality and the way I speak I'm stupid awkward and not smart at all not creative I don't have anything that makes me feel good about myself , my level of consciousness is low I'm not emotionally developed don't have skills don't have job don't know what I want to do no family no friends . Extremely dysfunctional \traumatic childhood

I'm weak ,pathetic, liar, people pleaser ,coward

I can't live with this version of myself anymore ,I hate this identity so much I want to start my life over I want to let go everything about this identity I even want to change my name .. I want to reinvent myself  again from scratch I don't want anything from the past I want to forget everything about the old me  

Don't talk to me about self love .. this identity is a trauma response and a result of a dysfunctional childhood and painful past I went through its not the real me so no matter how much love I give myself I won't truly feel it because this identity is a pile of coping mechanisms 

I was 99% close to killing myself that 1% stoped me because I thought maybe I could completely forget about this person I'm today and design myself again the way I want to by my choice 

I'm completely lost I need advice 

Where should I start ? and how do I know if my new choices are authentic 

I feel you man. 

My advice is simple: Take some psychedics and let God show you your true nature. Let her show you your infinite beauty, let her show you how you're infinitely loved and can heal all your wounds.

Just try it out, you have nothing to lose anyways, die you?

[mandyjw]

@B_HAZ One thing you learn when you write a lot is that you can write from any perspective you want to evoke any sort of feeling you want. For example I can a story about my childhood that appears to be an honest summary of the whole thing, but would make you feel like my childhood was awful and traumatic. Or I could do the same thing and make you come away believing that I was uniquely and rarely blessed. 

When we are thinking, it's as if we are writing and choosing perspectives, except the thoughts so often go by unseen, uncaught and they claim that they are true. We haven't sat down and thought about how we want the reader to feel (or how we want to feel) We haven't considered any direction or editing. Like I said, both versions of my childhood are completely true. However, in order to tell it, I have to choose on which things to focus on. The summary is never a clear picture of the experience of it. 

Thoughts are always snapshots of what is ever moving and changing. I don't know about you, but if someone takes pictures of me some of them look HORRIBLE and others look good. I would hate to base my idea of how I look on one photo. That would be dishonest. In the same way, one thought in one moment in time of your life, one snapshot, is never, ever the case. For anyone. 

You can completely forget the person you are today, because you are not that person, you are always moving forward. You know the saying "never look back"? It's not that you can refuse to look back, every time you look back you create that tone, that perspective into your now and it is pushed forward. Stop kicking that can down the road. It's not that we have to deny how things were, or how things are, or how we feel things to be, but we use it for the purpose of giving us direction towards what we are moving to. We realize that we have creative power.  We determine how we want to feel and we carefully choose and discard our thoughts, (like snapshots going into a collage) based on how they make us feel. 

Can you write for me a completely different version of what you posted above but that is going in a whole different direction? 

 

[Rilles]

1 minute ago, mandyjw said:

@B_HAZ One thing you learn when you write a lot is that you can write from any perspective you want to evoke any sort of feeling you want. For example I can a story about my childhood that appears to be an honest summary of the whole thing, but would make you feel like my childhood was awful and traumatic. Or I could do the same thing and make you come away believing that I was uniquely and rarely blessed. 

When we are thinking, it's as if we are writing and choosing perspectives, except the thoughts so often go by unseen, uncaught and they claim that they are true. We haven't sat down and thought about how we want the reader to feel (or how we want to feel) We haven't considered any direction or editing. Like I said, both versions of my childhood are completely true. However, in order to tell it, I have to choose on which things to focus on. The summary is never a clear picture of the experience of it. 

Thoughts are always snapshots of what is ever moving and changing. I don't know about you, but if someone takes pictures of me some of them look HORRIBLE and others look good. I would hate to base my idea of how I look on one photo. That would be dishonest. In the same way, one thought in one moment in time of your life, one snapshot, is never, ever the case. For anyone. 

You can completely forget the person you are today, because you are not that person, you are always moving forward. You know the saying "never look back"? It's not that you can refuse to look back, every time you look back you create that tone, that perspective into your now and it is pushed forward. Stop kicking that can down the road. It's not that we have to deny how things were, or how things are, or how we feel things to be, but we use it for the purpose of giving us direction towards what we are moving to. We realize that we have creative power.  We determine how we want to feel and we carefully choose and discard our thoughts, (like snapshots going into a collage) based on how they make us feel. 

Can you write for me a completely different version of what you posted above but that is going in a whole different direction? 

 

This is amazing stuff. ??

[ZenRising]

5 hours ago, B_HAZ said:

I hate myself, I hate how my face look I hate how my body look I hate my personality and the way I speak I'm stupid awkward and not smart at all n Extremely dysfunctional \traumatic childhood

 

All those negative messages were PUT INTO you by others... it's not the truth and it's not who you authentically are... I used to have many of those same feelings... you have to identify where those messages came from and start challenging them... I don't think I could have made all the progress I have without the support of others along the way... are there any support groups you can get in touch with to try to start challenging your internal dialogues? Adult Children of Alcholics and Dysfunctional Families was a hugely transformative influence in my own journey.... https://adultchildren.org/

[silene]

1 hour ago, B_HAZ said:

@silene I'm already working with both a life coach and a therapist.. but I struggle with telling them everything 

Yes this is the work. Learning to feel safe with the therapist, to trust, to find your courage, to open up to another person when you feel the pain and resistance of past hurts.  Try to let them know you struggle with the telling (if they don't already know) - a good therapist already intuits this.  Sometimes just crying without talking expresses what you need to 'say'. 

Patience is the fastest way. 

[Mu_]

2 hours ago, B_HAZ said:

@silene I'm already working with both a life coach and a therapist.. but I struggle with telling them everything 

 

Tell them everything, it will be a relief.  I'd also suggest you look the nature of subjectivity and difference.  You mentioned a ton of things you hate about yourself.  Does everyone see the same as you do about yourself?  And if not, is what you believe true or what they see true?  There is no right answer, but seeing that these things you hate others may love or find interesting, can help shift the energy.  Often we forget that our beliefs about ourselves and others are just that, beliefs, not actually objective or really solidly true.  

When this is seen time and time again, the beliefs may loose their weight and hold and how much lingering there is on them will shorten.

Imagine, you met an amazing girl that loved everything about you that you thought was objectively negative or bad?  I'd imagine at some point it would either drive you crazy or you may let it in that how you see yourself is not accurate, and that hopefully it would cease.

[Cathal]

try psychedelics at some point when you are in a better state of mind, when your intention to help yourself is real. 

[B_HAZ]

@catcat69123 They're not legal in my country

Maybe in the future 

[B_HAZ]

@ZenRising I did create a support group for myself 

I'm really trying my best I'm working on myself everyday since I was 18 now I'm 23 I've improved on many aspects. My motivation was to finally feel accepted and be able to " love myself " everything I did was because I hate myself not because I love myself 

I wrote this post after many attempts of allot of things and I'm starting to lose hope thats why 
I can't even open up fully to my therapist and my coach because I feel ashamed of my issues I don't want them to see how much I'm broken and dysfunctional 

 

Thank you for the responses I appreciate you all@catcat69123 @Mu_ @silene @Rilles @mandyjw @Gregory1

Edited November 27, 2021 by B_HAZ

[Mu_]

37 minutes ago, B_HAZ said:

@ZenRising I did create a support group for myself 

I'm really trying my best I'm working on myself everyday since I was 18 now I'm 23 I've improved on many aspects. My motivation was to finally feel accepted and be able to " love myself " everything I did was because I hate myself not because I love myself 

I wrote this post after many attempts of allot of things and I'm starting to lose hope thats why 
I can't even open up fully to my therapist and my coach because I feel ashamed of my issues I don't want them to see how much I'm broken and dysfunctional 

 

Thank you for the responses I appreciate you all@catcat69123 @Mu_ @silene @Rilles @mandyjw @Gregory1

That’s great. However with your coach and therapist I’d just let t all out. Their job is not to judge you and it may feel relieving to be honest. They may point to something in your vulnerability that is useful in accomplishing what you ultimately want.