New Expressions and Realizations

[Nadosa]

Awakenings hitting hard this time. The universe wants me to finally see that my suffering is full of shit. 

Once more I got triggered, but this time I just sat down and inquired instead of blindly following stories about a self:

For a long time now, I've got some triggers whenever it is about "me" as a person. I often get triggered when someone asks me about how "I" survived my suffering and stuff like that. Then oftentimes a feeling is triggered that doesn't resonate. Or rather a thought about a self generally DOESNT resonate.

As if it the question was about someone "I am not" or someone "who" suffers. That lead to utter confusion. A question about a separate self didnt resonate anymore. Unlike back then, 4 years ago, questions about a separate self still seemed to resonate.

Then suddenly, on one day, thoughts about a separate self stopped resonating.

AM I really the ONE who suffered? WHO got better? WHO handled this and that well?

The trigger is about a "self" that "gets better", a thought about myself. 

I looked around. Is there really a self that gets better or is there just awareness observing the thought of a self that "went from miserbale to getting better". Obviously when the questioner asked me about "me" the thought triggered smth in me. It triggered the belief that there is someone other "than awareness".

Because of what I would call the ego death Ive had 4 years ago, the belief in a separate self "DOESNT RESONATE" ANYMORE.

Ahhh okay okay okay. Now were getting close.... And because Ive had this "painful" not understood realization about "not having a separate self" or that didnt exist in the first place, everything that is about a separate self triggers a feeling of dissonance. 

All that needs to be done is being now.

I've always been now.

Always will be.