A Subtle Fear

[Jhonny]

Whenever a decide to do something for future like learning something. I have almost all the time this subtle fear or feeling arise within me. That what if I die before? Help me reframe it. I have found that once i reframe fears and problems, I tend to overcome those fears and problems.

[Emerald]

26 minutes ago, Jhonny said:

Whenever a decide to do something for future like learning something. I have almost all the time this subtle fear or feeling arise within me. That what if I die before? Help me reframe it. I have found that once i reframe fears and problems, I tend to overcome those fears and problems.

This reminds me of when I was in high school, prior to my awakening experiences which shifted my views on things quite a bit. I had these ideas that I was attached to that I would go to college and make something of myself. I would teach and impact lives, and eventually become a famous artist. So, I had all these desires and attachments and big dreams. And my life revolved around these ideas completely, to the point of obsession... only it was a socially supported obsession that other people tended to smile upon. 

Then, I would have these fears that I would die before I was able to make my mark on the world. I was afraid that I would die before I could leave a legacy, and that the sands of time would swallow me up without a trace. Just like a baby or child who dies will never have the chance to leave a mark upon the world. And to my mind, at the time, this was a travesty because leaving a mark is what I thought gave live meaning and value and significance. I did not want to blend in with the common people or be forgotten in mediocrity and a life unlived. So, there was this constant existential dread and pressure to become something and to make something of myself. I was not truly valid unto myself, if I did not do this. To my teenage self, my legacy was more important than my life. 

Then, when I had my experiences of ego-transcendence, I saw clearly the ridiculousness of this type of thought. I saw clearly that nothing I would ever do would make my life any more or less significant than it already was. In fact, significance isn't even real. I was dooming myself to running around in a hamster wheel for a legacy that I would never be able to enjoy. Then, I let go of my need to live and have my idea of myself continue onward. I could have died right then, and felt completely and utterly okay with it. I was unshakably valid because I was an inextricable part of reality. I realized that one day, Emerald Wilkins would die and be forgotten, as would everyone that I have ever cared for. And that was beautiful, because that's exactly what's supposed to happen. I found beauty in my own temporal nature and the fact that I belonged to the beautiful cycle of life and death. Death could not harm me. 

So, I say, to try to let go of the idea that a life interrupted by death is a negative thing, or that certain things must be done to make your life worth something. Find beauty and acceptance in death, and you never have to fear it. Let go of the need to add to the concept of you. Let go of your self-concept.