Toxic Younger Brother

[Christian]

As you can tell by the title, I have a toxic younger brother.

Short list of examples of the things he has done:  He has moralized me and called me weird, autistic, stolen things from me, talked shit about me behind my back, not taken any responsibility for anything he has ever done, threatened to beat me up if I did not give him a card with a picture of me on it so he could use it as ID to enter a party with his friends. 

I know this is really fucking bad, but I sometimes I literally just want to beat the shit out of him. I know this is not the best response, but this has been going on for 10 fucking years and I want him to respect me for once in my life. He does not see all the ways I have grown like the fact that I get straight A's, that I am wise and know what is worth to pursue, nothing. In a nutshell all he ever does is try to bring me down and never agrees with anything I say EVER. In the broughter context, since my birth, he had criticized me more than 10.000 times literally, it is so bad and I just want him to change?

Any advice on what to do would be greatly appreciated...

[Guest Annetta]

I don't think there is anything that you can do personally to change him, other than perhaps realize he views you as better than he is subconsciously, and as such is trying to push you down and most likely views love as finite.
You're like Lisa Simpson and he's Bart.  If he threatens to beat you up again, please call the cops.  Are your parents giving him enough attention?  What's the entire family dynamic?  

 

(these are for your bro, idk if they'd help or not though.  )

Edited December 26, 2016 by Babybat

[Christian]

 

@Babybat

The family dynamic is that I am the "odd one out". When I was approximately 7 years old, I got diagnosed with autism and even though I am one of high functioning, my parents are quite protective of me especially my mom. This of course damaged my self esteem, but it also made me an easy target for him in certain contexts. Socially, sometimes I can be a little obnixious, but I am getting better, meditation helped a lot.

But still, he always treats me like some weird outsider who does not get it and when I express myself authentically, I am labelled weird and stupid and I just cannot get out of that frame. I feel like the fact that my parents are so overprotective generally when he behaves like this  just strengthens that whole narriative that I am this inferior being even more which just adde fuel to the fire and makes the whole situation worse because then I did not stand up for myself which is really what I want. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Martin123]

@Christian Just become more grounded in yourself, in your reality, and stop being reactive. You will easily overpower his frame by non-reactiveness.

Dont try to change him!!!

[Geo]

This is classic sibling rivalry and you need to tell your parents to stop framing you as the victim and him as the aggressor as you are both living up to those labels. THEN once they do that, take responsibility for balancing the relationship and stick up for yourself! Don't be a victim and don't allow him to dominate you!

[Christian]

I do not want to take responsibility for the relationship if that means changing everything about myself to make him like me because that is literally what he wants me to at this stage. And even if I do change come aspects of my personality which I have done, he just findes something new to judge me on. It is a never ending cycle that he creates to withhold the illusion. 

However, I know I could do better when it comes to taking responsibility for my emotional reactions when he triggers me with his downputting talk.

And other than that, I cannot really do much other than just ignore/avoid him as much as possible because staying around him is clearly creating more harm than good. 

[Dawson]

That old say 'If you think you're enlightened, try spending a week with your family' comes to mind. My younger brother and I used to fight incessantly whilst growing up. Now we're the best of friends. That may well not ever be the case for you. Even so, in these instances it can be incredibly liberating to acknowledge that you always have a choice.

You cannot take responsibility for his attitude, actions or outlook, but you can and must with yours. I would strongly consider question why its important that your be respected by him. I grew up in a household of very smart, academically minded people. For a long time, I wanted to prove to them that I was intelligent and knowledgeable. Then it became blindingly obvious just how insecure and narcissistic that mindset was. 

On a more practical level, moving out and establishing a more independent lifestyle may well be the best thing you could do.