I keep coming back to bad habits

[Yoremo]

I keep coming back to my bad habits and the worst one by far is youtube, but also food sometimes and comfort. Could this be because I don´t have a strong enough life purpose so I don´t really have motivation to pursue anything so I just go with what feels best in the moment? Or is it because of something else

[flowboy]

2 hours ago, Yoremo said:

Could this be because I don´t have a strong enough life purpose so I don´t really have motivation to pursue anything so I just go with what feels best in the moment?

Yes, that could very well be.

Either that, or there is something you want to get away from: some emotional state, a persistent thought pattern.

Something in your own mind that you do not like.

How do you feel when you sit and simply do nothing?

[Yoremo]

@flowboyI feel a strong urge to do something to alleviate that feeling I get when I sit still, and my mind races and I go down really negative thought patterns, and I get stuck in those negative spirals of thought until I do something and then I feel relieved.

Edited November 25, 2021 by Yoremo

[flowboy]

22 hours ago, Yoremo said:

@flowboyI feel a strong urge to do something to alleviate that feeling I get when I sit still, and my mind races and I go down really negative thought patterns, and I get stuck in those negative spirals of thought until I do something and then I feel relieved.

And now we know why you have a YouTube habit!

Same reason I did (do still sometimes): negative thought spirals are unpleasant.

Is there a common theme in them?

[Yoremo]

19 minutes ago, flowboy said:

And now we know why you have a YouTube habit!

Same reason I did (do still sometimes): negative thought spirals are unpleasant.

Is there a common theme in them?

Sometimes I start watching because I don´t have anything to do, like I have to wait for something and then I just watch a short video. 

I think that I can see the theme that when things are going wrong, or I´m feeling hopeless about my situation (and it feels like it won´t change). I am not very aware of my thoughts during these moments but the feelings are either because of the two above or because I feel lonely or sad about my life or anxious about some event that will happen in the future (like an "important" meeting). But usually because of the first two.

I don´t know if that answered your question but what I wrote is what I´m aware of at the moment.

[Nahm]

@Yoremo

The refusal to experience boredum is the insistence on staying in pessimism. 

[Yoremo]

@NahmOkay, how do I stop refusing boredom then?

[Farnaby]

@Yoremo I encourage you to view those bad habits as completely innocent. When we label them as "bad" we tend to think that they mean we are somehow broken, don't have enough willpower and so on. But that is not the reason we do those things.

We do them because that's how our nervous system knows that we get our needs met. For instance, your nervous system knows that through youtube you get to escape your boredom and feel less agitated. That habit is a way of regulating your pain. It's there for a reason. 

When you connect to that pain, process it, fiind out what needs you are meeting and find more effective ways to do it, you will no longer have the urge to binge youtube. If you focus on the symptom as if it was the problem (which it isn't) and try to discipline yourself, you may be able to abstain from youtube for a while, but you will find another addiction as a substitute. 

[Nahm]

@Yoremo

Refusal of boredom is not boredom… but is actually pessimism… about boredom. 

The belief is that if you don’t distract yourself with a screen, you’ll experience boredom, which will feel worse than the pessimism you are already experiencing. 

The truth is boredom feels better than pessimism. Might feel like ‘there’s definitely stuff I’d like to do, but I don’t feel like doing any of it’… but at least there aren’t the pessimistic discordant thoughts. 

[Yoremo]

@NahmOkay, I think I get it. So it´s me associating my boredom with something negative that´s making the habit? Or is it just a more general negative, pessimistic self-talk? because I know I have really negative self-talk. 

So how would you go about changing this?

[Nahm]

2 hours ago, Yoremo said:

So it´s me associating my boredom with something negative that´s making the habit?

You are saying boredom is negative. As in, doesn’t feel good.    

It does feel good. It feels better than pessimism. 

2 hours ago, Yoremo said:

Or is it just a more general negative, pessimistic self-talk? because I know I have really negative self-talk. So how would you go about changing this?

You don’t have any of that, and there’s nothing you need to do at all. That’s the beauty of boredom. 

[Yoremo]

Yeah, I get the boredom thing, I can be purely bored but when I get pessimistic about it I can´t stand it. But how do I stop being so pessimistic about stuff? I feel like when I get into that pessimistic state I´m stuck in it.

[silene]

On 24/11/2021 at 8:12 PM, Yoremo said:

I don´t have a strong enough life purpose so I don´t really have motivation to pursue anything so I just go with what feels best in the moment?

Something doesn't add up to me. If you really have no motivation to pursue anything, then you wouldn't be bored with simply sitting in silence.  Perhaps the boredom itself is your motivation energy looking for expression, but you feed yourself with junk food like youtube videos instead of finding your own wholesome passion in life. That sounds pessimistic to me   

On 24/11/2021 at 11:49 PM, Yoremo said:

I feel a strong urge to do something to alleviate that feeling I get when I sit still,

 

On 25/11/2021 at 11:02 PM, Yoremo said:

Sometimes I start watching because I don´t have anything to do, like I have to wait for something and then I just watch a short video. 

I think that I can see the theme that when things are going wrong, or I´m feeling hopeless about my situation (and it feels like it won´t change).

You have the feelings of wanting to do something, the energy is there, but also a thought that you don't have anything to do. 

Is it the hopeless feeling (or belief) of non-change which is the obstacle? Why can't you do active creative things which express you, your passion, rather than passively watching other people express themselves? 

Edited November 27, 2021 by silene

[Yoremo]

19 minutes ago, silene said:

Something doesn't add up to me. If you really have no motivation to pursue anything, then you wouldn't be bored with simply sitting in silence.  Perhaps the boredom itself is your motivation energy looking for expression, but you feed yourself with junk food like youtube videos instead of finding your own wholesome passion in life. That sounds pessimistic to me   

Yes, you´re right, I do have a lot of ambition and motivation to do stuff in my life (like everybody I guess). And yeah, I think I agree with you, I think the thing is that I can´t seem to find a way to channel my energy in an productive way into something I´m passionate about. But I don´t know if that´s pessimistic though, I think it´s just me not knowing how to find my "own wholesome passion". It´s like I can´t get that deep emotional connection to anything. But yeah, I´m trading a rich, passionate life for youtube videos but as I said I can´t get any traction with my ideas for passion.

 

30 minutes ago, silene said:

You have the feelings of wanting to do something, the energy is there, but also a thought that you don't have anything to do. 

Is it the hopeless feeling (or belief) of non-change which is the obstacle? Why can't you do active creative things which express you, your passion, rather than passively watching other people express themselves? 

My only real passion until this day has been playing football, but I can´t play or train or anything because I´ve been injured like 95 % of the time. So I´ve been doing self-help in the meantime of me healing my body (the injuries has been ongoing for like 3 years) but the things I have done in self help hasn´t done anything for me so that´s why I feel hopeless, because not only can I not play football and express myself, but I can´t even seem to get better mentally until I´m back. So it´s like either I´m "stuck" in this impossible passion of football and I need to change (but I do not want to) or I´ll have to kind of wait until my body is healed enough for me to pursue my passion again. 

I´ve chosen the latter and I´ve been doing self development, but after 3 years of not really doing my passion I don´t feel so passionate anymore in day to day life because I feel that I´m not closing in on my goals in football (I have played during these 3 years and when I did I felt passionate but it´s been so rare that my day to day life has been really pale because it´s been separated from my passion and mostly spent on school and self development mentally which hasn´t worked)

So youtube has become an escape to mental fog where I´m not conscious and I don´t need to face anything anymore. I don´t even enjoy what I´m watching and when I´m aware of what I´m watching I can see how stupid it is. And I do this because it feels just like a waiting game until I can play again, it doesn´t feel like I´m in a position to do anything.

But even before my injuries I still didn´t have that real sense of passion of football, it felt like it was on the way but it wasn´t like I thought about football all day long or anything, and maybe it is I need to change passion, I don´t know if football is right or wrong, all I know is that I´ve never felt a strong feeling of passion- maybe that implies that football is not a good passion for me but I´ve not felt that for something else so maybe it´s just that I need to build it up.

[silene]

@Yoremo  You have a lot of self-insight and it looks like you're going through a period of reflection and contemplation about your life path: nothing wrong in that, we don't need to be outward bound all the time. Inner time is important to develop the intuition and insight to process the 'outer' experiences.  Likewise don't get me wrong, I'm not a Puritan, spending a bit of downtime slobbing out to your favourite trashy youtube videos or soap operas etc to switch off is fine. 

Sport is an awesome passion to have, combining emotional energy with physical exercise and socialising. But if you're not sure about whether football is your 'big thing' or not, why not keep experimenting with different things and scenes, allowing yourself to make mistakes while you learn more about yourself. 

[Yoremo]

@silene Ok, so I think I´ve gotten my problems down to two. 

1: I don´t seem to get any results with any self-help. I do have motivation to do this, and I do this, but I just haven´t gotten much results. What I´ve realized so far is that I don´t have enough focus and patience to stick with one thing for long enough. But I haven´t solved any of those problems so advice would be really appreciated. Can I develop myself even though I don´t have a clear life purpose? I suppose that it´s harder but I have to be able to do it, I think I´m just doing it in a bad way.

2: I don´t have meaning in my life. I feel that school is meaningless beyond measure (atleast what I´m doing right now) and I´m not really consistently excited for the future and what is coming. I can only seem to keep up this for a day or two. So really I don´t have a clear life purpose, and I don´t really know how I´m supposed to find it.

Other than that I would deem my other problems as a result of these two.

[silene]

@Yoremo  What self help have you been doing, and for how long?  It might help me think about your focus and patience issue.  However, my initial thought is that much in our consumerist fast-paced society is training us from childhood to be dissatisfied and restless, forever wanting the next fix of product from the market to keep us on a roller coaster of pleasure and comedown. 

If you're still at school, I guess you must be quite young?  In which case this is a normal stage of growing up, 'finding yourself',  so please don't pressurise yourself, don't worry, take your time, keep the conversations going and an open mind about what's right for you. 

Edited November 27, 2021 by silene

[Yoremo]

@silene In the past I´ve been doing visualization, never did it for a long time because I was unsure if I did it right and just forgot about it, I´ve been doing goalsetting but always stopped doing it (like miss once and then forget about it), I´m meditating right now and have been doing for the last like 7 months and this is actually something I feel that I will continue with, I´ve also done a lot of affirmations but I think I did them really wrong and it took so much time the way I did it that it wasn´t worth it, I´ve also written journals with mainly me writing about stuff I was grateful for and etc. but it always felt like after a while I got into a routine and the journaling didn´t really work. Other than that I have read and watched and listened to a lot of material but for the longest time I was very delusional about it and thought it was somehow going to develop me if I just consumed that content. I feel that these things probably do work but I haven´t been able to find a good enough way to do it. And I just don´t know how to get to the actual working versions of these, because with meditation for example I feel that I know enough about it to make a good practice out of it so that it actually pays of, but the rest I just get stuck on bad advice and information on the internet + that I sometimes don´t do it in a conscious way (knowing why I´m doing it, seeing it in my actual life) but I feel as though I´m better to know why I´m doing something now. 

Yeah, if 17 is young I´m young. It´s just I don´t want to waste my life and I do really contemplate leaving school now, because I´m studying natural science and it really sucks, mostly because of the judgmental, negative people there but also because I don´t see any meaning in what I´m doing.

Yes, I will have an open mind as to what I´m going to do in the future and it would be a lot easier if it wasn´t football but I´ll see. But I can´t help but feel a bit panicky about it because I don´t want to follow the path that I´m on, but if I´m going to leave it I kind of have to have a real good vision and drive to make it out of it. Me being at school is getting more and more difficult, I am starting to skip classes now which I have never been able to do in the past but school just makes me feel so bad, especially that it´s so slow paced and I could have done the work we do in a week in 8 hours max, I also think that I´m getting depressed by this because school feels so meaningless but I still do go and that makes me so sad.

[silene]

I can relate to your doubts about meditation, I'm sure you're not alone as a beginner learning by yourself and wondering which way to turn with the huge volume of teachings available now, especially online. When I was starting out I was more involved in face to face groups and retreats where doubts and problems can be discussed in person. If that's not an option for you, how about looking for a forum or online group which practice the technique(s) you're doing? I've never gelled with affirmations and visualisations myself so don't have the experience to advise about them. 

That's also quite a dilemma whether to leave school or stay till you finish. Dropping out without a vision and a plan is a risk and you may face a reaction from family. If you know what you want  then a straight transfer might be possible ... if the school has some student support or  counsellors then you could take advantage to talk through what you want / don't want and many folks find journalling helpful. Nahm has a great thread on creating a dream board / vision board, many here have used that too. 
https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/41824-the-path-living-the-dream-board/

Finally, you're not alone in this. Many people find their first choice of life path isn't working out and have a change in direction (me too!). Don't judge yourself or feel bad about it. Knowing yourself is just as important as knowing the external knowledge to get on in life. Good luck man.

Edited November 28, 2021 by silene

[Nahm]

On 11/27/2021 at 6:50 AM, Yoremo said:

Yeah, I get the boredom thing, I can be purely bored but when I get pessimistic about it I can´t stand it. But how do I stop being so pessimistic about stuff? I feel like when I get into that pessimistic state I´m stuck in it.

By noticing how judgement feels (‘bad habits’ is your judging) and experiencing the feeling of boredom. You’re still focused on the expression of pessimism. (Referring to yourself as pessimistic, is focusing on, pessimism.) That isn’t ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’, it’s simply preference, and up to you. (Not meant sarcastically. Obviously no one likes how judging feels). 

You’re ‘keeping a yourself there’ additionally by believing there is a you (separate self of thoughts) in a state (an abstraction with no actuality, like judgment), while pessimism is not indicative of you at all. State = self referential thought loop in this case. But pessimism is just an emotion everyone could experience, and would if focused on the same thoughts. Everyone would feel the exact same discord as you are with judgement. Move on to the next emotion by expressing, which doesn’t require a how, because there is no wrong. 

All you want is to feel better. What you’re focusing on is aversion of feeling. Trying to convince yourself the discord is caused by anything other than, what you’re focusing on. 

Open up your mind to the possibility there is no such actuality of bad or wrong, and it’s been ‘your’ judgement / judging, and feeling the discord of it, the whole time. 

Also, while you believe you have problems, you remain stuck in solution seeking. 

You are free to do what you want to about anything you desire to. ‘Problem’ is the denial of this truth.