I am a virgin loser and here's my questions on Leo's "How to get laid" series

[mandyjw]

2 minutes ago, bloomer said:

@mandyjw

Look when you say women don't care about looks but then go on to in the next sentence to contradict yourself. That makes me skeptically that women don't care about appearance. ESPECIALLY on something like Tinder. I think women care more about looks than men do honestly. 

 

Yeah, when you play a game, it's a game. Scores matter and rating on a scale of 1 to 10 is how we keep score. Love and connection is something else if that's what you want. It can't be judged or measured. It can't be a game. It's a reward unto itself. Don't settle for less. This is the REAL not settling. 

 

5 minutes ago, bloomer said:

@mandyjw

I never thought I would get to this point where I'm now messaging a girl (not going to say in love) who's in another country because I'm too much of a socially maladjusted idiot to meet any girl locally in person. It's a bad coping mechanism and I fear that if I was to meet this girl in person I would fuck things up. 

 

STOP. You are where you are. It's perfect. Endearing even. As I said before this is about nothing but letting go of these thoughts. The world is your oyster. Don't settle. Don't settle for thoughts that feel crappy. Don't settle for limiting beliefs. Really, don't settle. 

[bloomer]

@Thunder Kiss

24 minutes ago, Thunder Kiss said:

more about befriending your colleagues and then hanging out together outside of work. Easier to chat to girls if you are with other guys also. 

In this case I would first and foremost start working on yourself as a person.. developing your own unique style and grow your interests and then find things to do that involve those interests. Start working out and eating healthy, and practice self discipline. self care.  Go and find a random, unknown perfume and make that your signature smell, not a typical one that every guy has. 

As for befriending people at work. They're all older than me so its weird and tough to do. I know one guy I work with is a major pothead so I could maybe go out and have a smoke with him sometime? I honestly don't even know because when it's about work it always seems like you have to act in a professional way. 

I do take care of myself. I'm not some unwashed greasy triple chinned basement dweller. I run, lift, dress well in nice enough clothes. I might do the perfume idea I don't know. 

24 minutes ago, Thunder Kiss said:

2 years ago a friend of my boyfriend, was super awkward around girls and was always getting himself into awkward situations with them. During the first lockdown he basically grew his hair really long and started posting videos of himself playing guitar and singing, and posting videos of himself skate boarding.  I was like ‘ehhh Markus got hot!’ anyway all I know is that now he has a girlfriend.

Maybe I could do the guitar thing. I don't want to grow long hippie hair or skateboard. I don't know how that will get me a gf though. 

@How to be wise

13 minutes ago, How to be wise said:

If you just want to lose your virginity, get 100 bucks and have a hooker come to your place. She will fuck your brains. 

I won't lie. I've thought about it and have the money. But I think it would be taking the pussy way out and also she wouldn't actually be into me. I think it would make me feel a lot of shame. Also I like my brains being unfucked.

@mandyjw

10 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

Don't settle for less. This is the REAL not settling. 

Well right now I can't settle for anything lol. 

10 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

STOP. You are where you are. It's perfect.

It's pretty fucking far from perfect. 

10 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

Don't settle for thoughts that feel crappy. Don't settle for limiting beliefs. Really, don't settle. 

It doesn't matter what I believe if I still don't get the thing I want. I can believe I'm a multi millionaire and women love and adore me. That I'm a super cool guy with a super cool life. Doesn't make one bit of difference when reality comes knocking. 

Edited November 24, 2021 by bloomer

[How to be wise]

17 minutes ago, bloomer said:

 

I won't lie. I've thought about it and have the money. But I think it would be taking the pussy way out and also she wouldn't actually be into me. I think it would make me feel a lot of shame. Also I like my brains being unfucked.

That’s fine, but just keep in mind that you can lose your virginity at any time you want. Don’t go out thinking I’ll be a virgin forever if I don’t attract girls. 

[Emotionalmosquito]

2 hours ago, bloomer said:

Also is it possible that I would get bullied and fucked with if I go to bars and clubs by myself? I always feel like a fish out of water in social environments and I think others pick up on that as well. Smelling the fear on me like a shark smells blood. I don't want to get into any fights with people. Before I get the "man up and stop being a pussy" shit. All you're doing is some machismo posturing and I don't give a fuck about that. It's a reasonable question to ask because going to club and bars by yourself to talk to strangers is weird social behaviors that most normal people don't have to resort to. Forgive my hesitancy. 

 

2 hours ago, bloomer said:

Maybe even spread rumors about me and get me seen as the creep weirdo who has no friends and has to resort to awkwardly hitting on them. 

 

Right on the bullseye, buddy.

Clubs will not hesitate to kick your ass out if enough complaints come in. And if you don’t know how to play the social game at a decently high level, eventually they will. This of course leaves very little  room for authentic self expression because anything you think might be a good or funny idea to make yourself stand out in a positive way is a massive gamble. I like your shark smelling blood analogy, it’s perfect. These people have zero tolerance for social outcasts like us. Half the time they won’t even tell you you’re fucking up, they’ll just wait for you to leave then complain to management behind your back. 

As far as getting bullied or threatened while you’re out, I too have this fear. Get yourself a small can of mace if it’s legal in your area. That should help you feel more secure, especially if you know how to draw it quickly and use it.

But for now, you should probably just stick to what Leo said and practice on mall clerks.

 

[Federico del pueblo]

@bloomer

Quote

How can you bullshit yourself when you know it's bullshit? Isn't the trick to forget that you even bullshitted yourself to begin with?

In the beginning your new thoughts feel like bullshit because they are against your existing beliefs. Though you just assume them to be true even though it feels silly.

You ignore evidence for your existing negative beliefs and instead gather evidence for the validity of your new beliefs.

You will start making new experiences which at some point will be more positive than your current experiences (or expected experiences).

You apply certain principles like non neediness and therefore start to step by step make better experiences, which become positive reference experiences for the new beliefs you want to create, e.g. "girls are attracted to me" etc.

 

You will simply embrace the fact that your new thoughts are (or seem like) bullshit knowing that this is what needs to be done to change the wiring of your brain (you LITERALLY change your mind, but it's a continuous process).

[Preety_India]

You don't become a loser just because you are a virgin. 

There's a kind of cultural conditioning that you need to get out of.. 

Learn to embrace and love yourself before it becomes a downward spiral 

Get away from self sabotage. 

 

[bloomer]

@How to be wise

2 minutes ago, How to be wise said:

That’s fine, but just keep in mind that you can lose your virginity at any time you want.

How would I even go about getting a hooker? I'm not going to pick up some girl on the side of the road and I know nothing about escorting. 

3 minutes ago, How to be wise said:

Don’t go out thinking I’ll be a virgin forever if I don’t attract girls. 

I don't man.

@Knowledge Hoarder

6 minutes ago, Knowledge Hoarder said:

Stop overthinking bro. You're not doing yourself any favour. Especially with all that "I'm a loser" or "I'm unnatractive" talk.

The title is there to grab attention and it's an inside to joke about myself to myself. But obviously I'm not very attractive otherwise I wouldn't have made it to this point.

@Emotionalmosquito

Just now, Emotionalmosquito said:

Clubs will not hesitate to kick your ass out if enough complaints come in. And if you don’t know how to play the social game at a decently high level, eventually they will.

Awesome lol. Well this makes my plan to sit on the side sipping a drink now seem so stupid.

Just now, Emotionalmosquito said:

Half the time they won’t even tell you you’re fucking up, they’ll just wait for you to leave then complain to management behind your back. 

Yeah I know most people are incapable of human decency and girls sure as fuck aren't going to help you out lol. 

2 minutes ago, Emotionalmosquito said:

As far as getting bullied or threatened while you’re out, I too have this fear. Get yourself a small can of mace if it’s legal in your area. That should help you feel more secure, especially if you know how to draw it quickly and use it.

Mace isn't legal. As for getting into some altercation with someone. I'm fine with getting beat up a little. Just nothing that involves the hospital and nothing that involves the police. That's my only worry.

1 minute ago, Emotionalmosquito said:

But for now, you should probably just stick to what Leo said and practice on mall clerks.

I might try that out a bit. But it's really not that bad for me. I think that's level 1 stuff. I'm at least on level 3. 

@Federico del pueblo

4 minutes ago, Federico del pueblo said:

You will start making new experiences which at some point will be more positive than your current experiences (or expected experiences).

You apply certain principles like non neediness and therefore start to step by step make better experiences, which become positive reference experiences for the new beliefs you want to create, e.g. "girls are attracted to me" etc.

Well first I'm going to need some girl to be attracted to me. If getting a girl to be attracted to me requires girls to already be attracted to me then I am in a catch 22 situation. 

4 minutes ago, Federico del pueblo said:

You will simply embrace the fact that your new thoughts are (or seem like) bullshit knowing that this is what needs to be done to change the wiring of your brain (you LITERALLY change your mind, but it's a continuous process).

Ah hopefully it works out that way. We will see.

@Preety_India

1 minute ago, Preety_India said:

You don't become a loser just because you are a virgin. 

I want romantic and sexual relationships with the opposite sex and I don't have them. What's that if not losing?

2 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Learn to embrace and love yourself before it becomes a downward spiral 

Well me as I am isn't good enough clearly. Otherwise I wouldn't have this problem. 

[Federico del pueblo]

5 minutes ago, Emotionalmosquito said:

 

 

Right on the bullseye, buddy.

Clubs will not hesitate to kick your ass out if enough complaints come in. And if you don’t know how to play the social game at a decently high level, eventually they will. This of course leaves very little  room for authentic self expression because anything you think might be a good or funny idea to make yourself stand out in a positive way is a massive gamble. I like your shark smelling blood analogy, it’s perfect. These people have zero tolerance for social outcasts like us. Half the time they won’t even tell you you’re fucking up, they’ll just wait for you to leave then complain to management behind your back. 

 

These are a lot of very exaggerated beliefs, do they actually stem from first hand experience?

I mean if you live in a tiny town with two night clubs and you walk from one girl to another saying "hey, you look fucking hot, let's go home" then ok, it will happen.

But it's not like bars and clubs will punish you for pro social behaviour like going to people saying "Hey, you guys look like interesting people, how's your night going?" Lol.

I think you guys create these over the top beliefs to have more excuses not to take action.

I've been to so many clubs and bars and I've been thrown out of ONE club because I talked to some girl who happened to be the girlfriend of the club owner ?

Other times were just because I was so fuckin drunk that I fell asleep sitting on some box.

[Preety_India]

1 minute ago, bloomer said:

Well me as I am isn't good enough clearly. Otherwise I wouldn't have this problem. 

If you have that mindset then you can't become "good enough" because you will never consider yourself to be even if that's the case. 

I tried telling you what would be good for you. But you seem to be the type who likes to hold on to their own and listen less to others. It's like you're happy with the voices in your head that tell you all this discouraging things. 

Well then you're on your own if that serves you. 

Sorry I can't help you if you wish to carry that mindset. 

Have a good day. 

 

[Federico del pueblo]

@bloomer

Quote

Well first I'm going to need some girl to be attracted to me. If getting a girl to be attracted to me requires girls to already be attracted to me then I am in a catch 22 situation. 

Not true.

There doesn't have to be a girl already attracted to you for another girl to become attracted to you.

You only have to (ideally) act AS THOUGH other girls are attracted to you, to make girls attracted to you, but even that is not absolutely mandatory.

You have to realize that girls are needy too, you don't have to be hyper non needy, just a bit less needy than her is enough.

You could even act vulnerable and admit your anxiety like "Hey, I'm shitting my pants and you seem out of my league, but anyway, I thought you looked interesting so I wanted to come by for a moment"

Ironically admitting your insecurities can sometimes be perceived as less insecure than acting confident when you're feeling insecure, because you know, when you show your insecurity, at least you are confident enough to show your imperfection, if you hide your insecurity you are afraid of other people seeing your weakness which can make you look insecure.

[Emotionalmosquito]

3 minutes ago, Federico del pueblo said:

These are a lot of very exaggerated beliefs, do they actually stem from first hand experience?

Yes they do. Seems like every time I start warming up to my fellow humans and coming out of my shell, just when I’m about to think it’s safe, boom! The iron fist of bullshit strikes again. Not sure if it’s like this everywhere but where I’m from it’s almost more acceptable to get into literal drunken brawls than to have a “weird” vibe that people can’t understand or relate to.

[Nahm]

@bloomer

You’re going to think I’m crazy and this wouldn’t help, but just a suggestion to try nonetheless… 

Take a few minutes to read everything you wrote on this thread. Each time you come to some words which are about yourself, say those words out loud, while imagining you are saying it to and about the very girl you are desiring. Just pretend you are saying it directly to her. Really imagine how she would feel while you call her a loser, unattractive, ugly, etc. Don’t ‘beat up on yourself’ here, just imagine as much as you can, her face & reaction to what you’re saying, and how she feels when you share those thoughts about her. 

[bloomer]

@Preety_India

21 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

If you have that mindset then you can't become "good enough" because you will never consider yourself to be even if that's the case. 

I tried telling you what would be good for you. But you seem to be the type who likes to hold on to their own and listen less to others. It's like you're happy with the voices in your head that tell you all this discouraging things. 

I think I would be good enough the moment I have some experiences under my belt, can function like a normal human being and when I find a loving relationship with a woman.

22 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Sorry I can't help you if you wish to carry that mindset. 

Have a good day. 

I appreciate your advice and you are right. I've become addicted to negative self talk something that Nahm says as well. But I find it very difficult to be positive about my situation when I'm not at all happy with it. I've got here through complacency and I fear being happy where I am now will just breed more complacency and things will get worse and worse.

You have a good day too anyway.

@Emotionalmosquito

16 minutes ago, Emotionalmosquito said:

Not sure if it’s like this everywhere but where I’m from it’s almost more acceptable to get into literal drunken brawls than to have a “weird” vibe that people can’t understand or relate to.

Damn do I relate to that. And that weird vibe causes some brawls.

@Nahm

8 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@bloomer

You’re going to think I’m crazy and this wouldn’t help, but just a suggestion to try nonetheless… 

Yeah I understand that I don't say nice things about myself but it's the same thing that I was saying to Preety India really. I'm not going to do that exercise because it will just end up depressing me and I'm lazy. But I see your point. 

[Federico del pueblo]

5 minutes ago, bloomer said:

I think I would be good enough the moment I have some experiences under my belt, can function like a normal human being and when I find a loving relationship with a woman.

100% wrong.

You've been good enough since the first minute of your life.

At some point in your life you started to make yourself believe that you were not good enough, and maybe others helped you with that, because you started to believe that in order to be good enough you have to fulfill certain criteria, which you didn't and therefore you felt like you weren't good enough.

This idea of not being good enough is nothing but fiction in your head, it's and electrical impulse moving through the neural connections of your brain, that's all it is.

By the way, whether or not you are attractive to girls ("good enough" for them to consider you sexually) has nothing to do with whether you are good enough in a fundamental sense.

There is no such thing as being good enough, it's a mental construct.

[Nahm]

@bloomer

Yeah, you’re right. Maybe try the opposite. See how that feels to you. That’s likely how it’ll feel to her. Might make a seemingly complicated thing easier & more natural. Best of luck in any case. ?? 

[JonasVE12]

Your whole reality is a manifestation of what you're feeling and what energy you are carrying inside yourself. You are just attracting in reponse to that energy. If you can change your feelings/energy, your beliefs will change, and your reality will change in terms of what you attract in your life. You can either hang on to all your stories of not being good enough or get to work and be serious. You gotta take full responsibility in your life and stop playing games. Either that, or you won't ever become succesful. 

Start a 30 day practice of stopping strangers and asking directions, followed by 30 days of asking strangers a more open question and getting the conversation rolling. After those 60 days, you'll notice a lot of lighter feelings in your body and in accordance, people will feel more attracted towards your energy.

You have to start focussing on the parts of your body that currently doesn't flow energy through. 

Try to relax your pelvis, back of your legs, arms and feet and start grounding into the earth

This, in combination with feeling your heart. 

Develop feeling in those areas of your body and try to emanate from that place.

For people to feel good around you, you need 1) Good grounding 2) Heart energy

For people to be sexually attracted to you, you need a third component 3) Feeling/energy from your pelvis. 

They should all be in balance.

You develop this through 1) Daily feeling practice of feeling your body 30 min / day and fully focussing on getting in touch with your body parts and letting energy flow through them. Where focus goes, energy floes. Do a 30 day practice

2) you need an embodiment practice that involves the same thing as above, but more active version. So that's the 2x 30 days of asking simple questions to strangers and getting in touch with your body when you do so. You will never be able to flirt with girls succesfully if you can't have simple conversations with good emotional embodiment

[Emotionalmosquito]

28 minutes ago, Nahm said:

Just pretend you are saying it directly to her. Really imagine how she would feel while you call her a loser, unattractive, ugly, etc. Don’t ‘beat up on yourself’ here, just imagine as much as you can, her face & reaction to what you’re saying, and how she feels when you share those thoughts about her.

You really think it would hurt her feelings that much if some rando called her mean names?

I thought hot thots had massive egos based on their beauty and could easily laugh off such insults by knowing how wrong they are. 

[bloomer]

@Federico del pueblo

8 minutes ago, Federico del pueblo said:

By the way, whether or not you are attractive to girls ("good enough" for them to consider you sexually) has nothing to do with whether you are good enough in a fundamental sense.

There is no such thing as being good enough, it's a mental construct.

Okay fair enough. It’s true and you’re right. Good enough is an abstract concept. 

Doesn’t change the fact that I still like girls and want to get laid.

[Federico del pueblo]

1 minute ago, bloomer said:

Doesn’t change the fact that I still like girls and want to get laid.

And this does not change the fact that all that you have to do to achieve this goal is to go out and apply the principles.

It's on you.

[bloomer]

@Nahm

12 minutes ago, Nahm said:

Yeah, you’re right. Maybe try the opposite. See how that feels to you. That’s likely how it’ll feel to her. Might make a seemingly complicated thing easier & more natural. Best of luck in any case. ?? 

Thanks. I appreciate it. But I don't about complimenting a woman like that. It seems like women get compliments all the time. See pic related at bottom.

@JonasVE12

11 minutes ago, JonasVE12 said:

2) you need an embodiment practice that involves the same thing as above, but more active version. So that's the 2x 30 days of asking simple questions to strangers and getting in touch with your body when you do so. You will never be able to flirt with girls succesfully if you can't have simple conversations with good emotional embodiment

I'll try to talk with some strangers and do those practices. 

@Emotionalmosquito

10 minutes ago, Emotionalmosquito said:

You really think it would hurt her feelings that much if some rando called her mean names?

I thought hot thots had massive egos based on their beauty and could easily laugh off such insults by knowing how wrong they are.

Same thing with compliments lol. Some compliment from a virgin reject no matter how sincere isn't really going to be appreciated. 

@Federico del pueblo

Fair enough.