Just another expression after night terror

[Nadosa]

Whatever I go through, whatever this is - I know I am not so stable ever since things have changed, whatever changed (look at my history 4 years ago). Thoughts are there that feel so utterly traumatizing that I wonder if there is a limit to suffering one can endure. I am doing that to myself but I dont know why and what the root cause is. I have no clue what this is all about. 

I feel like my perception of reality is so warped because my monkey mind is non-stop in a loop of analyzing existential questions I think I must answer in order to become happy, when all it needs is the choice to let go. 

There is no will to let go. Which will soon change because it always has in the past when I didnt know any longer what to do. Then things just fell into place somehow. But I am so sick feeling like I am not in control of my well being (at least thats what I believe). 

Tonight my subconscioust portrayed my life during sleep very well: I was sleeping as I slowly felt like something took the blanket trying to suffocate me and choke me (in my dream). Right before going to bed I turned on a Mooji video, it was still running and I could hear him talking basically during the entire nightmare. I was at least aware of him talking. It kinda helped surrender to the choking. 

Nevertheless I woke up with palpitations. 

I am well aware that my beliefs are far from being healthy. I always believe smth is wrong with me and that this is all destiny and the way its supposed to be. Well life gives you exactly what you wish

My night sleeps are currently lasting around 4-5 hours...then working 8 hours being completely in a daze knowing that thoughts and my mind can basically make me go insane if I want to.

What I need now is having a sense of control. I feel like this spirals down into smth not healthy. Because I always think I am the mercy of my mind and this belief is just so sick. Really. I dont want to feel like that.

 

Edited November 24, 2021 by Nadosa