Afraid of University

[bloomer]

I'm a 21 year old and I'm planning on going to university in the new year. I honestly have no desire to go to uni but I feel it would be stupid not to go. I don't even know what I want to study. 

I'm not excited to be around other people. I've always been that weird guy. Was in college, the quiet kid who didn't talk to anyone and I worry I'll be the same one in uni. Hopefully I'm not that same guy, in the class that doesn't talk to anyone and doesn't do anything, but I've never really had friends, never a gf or invited out to parties or events. I'm excited to learn and to have autonomy. Finally moving away from my parents, but I'm dreading uni a lot.

The lockdown has shown me that I seriously do not enjoy being around people. I know I sound like a shit but I just don't know what's wrong with me. I just can not connect with people. Uni feels to me like my last chance to be a normal person with a normal social life or meeting a girl. So basically I have two questions, how can I choose a course to commit myself too in the next months? and how can I not completely fuck it up socially and make friends and meet girls?

[Fleetinglife]

I personally think from my experiences that you really shouldn't be afraid or too anxious over your future social life in University. I also had an awkward social life and a relatively lonely existence in highschool before in went to Uni. But since I wanted to enroll in the study group that I got a liking to in highschool, in my case sociology, I really started socializing with people and now have some friends from Uni on that basis, namely only on the fact that we have studied and learned the same things, even though I didn't meet a girlfriend that way alone (though I fail to see why one shouldn't meet ones future partner on the basis of studying and preparing exams together with that person), I made friends with plenty of girl freinds, on only that basis that we have studied and learned the same things in Uni and even met people from similiar study groups just because we study similiar and intertwining subjects like psychology and sociology in order to get a degree and for our future profession.

I am 23, and even though I now weigh the options now of living my study group and faculty at Uni behind, since I have a lot of procrastinated and accumulated unpassed exams from past years, and to enroll in the near future this summer in a private college for social work, where some of my passed exams from sociology are recognized, I still have retained some friends and acquantinces from university on the basis that we have studied the same stuff, helped each other over passing exams and that we share similiar interests in life since we enrolled in the same study group and scientific discipline, and was often invited by them to their private organized parties, birthdays and events like karaoke night, where I also met their friends and other people etc.

So I personally think, from my similiar background in highschool and subsequent experinces in Uni, that you really shouldn't be anxious or fearful over not screwing up your future social life on Uni, because from my experiences if you focus mentally and plan on studying, learning and passing exams people that are on Uni with the same goal - to study, learn, have knowledge on your study subject, pass exams, plan on and get that degree after four years for their future life profession and career that will ensure them a decent future life - will naturally flock with each other to help each other out and you will make new friends on that basis, that you can later go during your free time to parties and events with to meet other people and by that extent girls. So I think that you shouldn't be too anxious over your socia life on Uni but to focus on and plan on how you will approach studying and completing your four years and getting that degree tht will give you opportunties in life and help your future career what everyone else goal is and the main reason they enrolled in the first place - which will again allow you to meet more like minded people and partners that share the same intersets later in life -, since I fell behind on that most fundamental goal of Uni, but still haven't lost most of the friends I acquired and that I made in Uni, that reamin in contact with via social media or when we plan events together. I even almost met a potential girlfriend at Uni, again on the same basis on helping each other out in our studies and preparing exams together, but things didn't work out on my part though unfortunately even though she was intersted in me because at that time I had some mental problems and hardships in studying and passing exams and I didn't reciprocate and even paused that year and fell off with studying and socializing, but later we became friends and acquintances. 

But this is my personal view from my experiences and mistakes at Uni and advice to you as two year older collegue on what should be your plan, strategy and priority at Uni and that these other social aspects you have anxiety over will naturally flow from taking care and being consitent on these since that is what binds people and is their share goal for enrolling in Uni at the first place.

I wish you good luck and no fear and no anxiety over these seemingly big but not actually that big of a deal and important things you are catastrophizing over once you experience them for yourself you will see how naturally they flow and occur from your effort in investing your time, mental energy in studying and completing your main goals at Uni!

Edited November 22, 2021 by Fleetinglife

[blankisomeone]

lol as you should.

Go despite the fear tho

Edited November 22, 2021 by blankisomeone

[TheAlchemist]

Literally all you need is enough mindfulness and self-love to be able to genuinely listen to people when they speak and ask some questions. Everyone is so conscerned with themselves, to the extent that one of the most valuable things you can bring to the table in new social environments is to literally just hear what people are saying. Just throw yourself in social situations, and make that your only focus, at least to get started. 

And there's no need to feel any guilt for being quiet. It's a trap, you feel guilty about being quiet, then you get more in your head, and you become even more quiet and then you can't even listen to people and you get detached. I was stuck in that loop in high school and it made me think my brain was somehow broken and that I was retarded. 

All you have to do is stop shaming yourself, develop some self love and you will be fine. That will be your starting place for practicing being social. But to grow you have to throw yourself into those social environments even if you don't say a word. Use it as a self-love exercise. You can handle it. Tell yourself "I might not like it, but I can handle it". That's a very powerful statement. 

Edited November 22, 2021 by TheAlchemist

[bloomer]

@Fleetinglife

Thank you for the reply. I'm glad to hear things worked out for you and making friends. Sorry things didn't work out with that girl and I hope whatever mental health issues you had have been dealt with. Your post put me at ease a bit. I think people will be more adult in university and more open to befriending people who are working towards the same end.

@blankisomeone

Lol, don't tell me I should be afraid and that to go anyway. It should be one or the other. Help me put my anxieties at ease.

@TheAlchemist  

5 hours ago, TheAlchemist said:

Literally all you need is enough mindfulness and self-love to be able to genuinely listen to people when they speak and ask some questions.

When people get to know me they call me a good listener. Though you have to get to know me first and that's hard when I don't do much speaking. But I will try to throw myself into more social situations.

5 hours ago, TheAlchemist said:

It's a trap, you feel guilty about being quiet, then you get more in your head, and you become even more quiet and then you can't even listen to people and you get detached.

100%, you just described me to the letter. 

5 hours ago, TheAlchemist said:

Use it as a self-love exercise. You can handle it. Tell yourself "I might not like it, but I can handle it". That's a very powerful statement. 

I've been thinking of just going to bars or a club alone and drinking or smoking by myself. I know it sounds weird but I need to get out more and I don't really know where to start. Does that sound like a good idea to you?

[Hello from Russia]

Don't go to the uni, man