Meaninglessness has yet to penetrate my psyche

[trenton]

I have watched many actualized videos including the life purpose course and there are some exercises I intend to review after this message.  On many occasions Leo and other people on this forum can mention that meaning is imaginary.  There is nothing wrong with the teaching itself and it seems logically straight forward.  However, a common source of self deception I am familiar with is to pretend that I am hyper logical rather than emotional, which is itself a fear based reaction encouraging a lack of emotional awareness.

I have even watched the video on coping with nihilism, but it still did not get through to me even though it logically makes sense.  There are various consequences of my incomplete integration of the truths in nihilism.  One includes my need to be obsessed, laser focused, on a mission, seeking goals, ect.  There is nothing wrong with the passion that I find in things like chess, but deep in my psyche there is a subtle weight that eats away at my joy as I push myself more and more.  In a since I am not wrong if such a focus is necessary to become a professional, but I could enjoy the work even more if I were to properly cope with meaninglessness even though hearing the positive framing didn't quite do it for me.

A second consequence can be the fact that I was drawn to politics so much.  Again I am seeking a way to live my life a way that is significant and matters even though action on the issues feels hollow to me.  Perhaps it is a reminder of  the deeper issue that if my struggle with meaninglessness is not fully resolved, then I will be seeking meaning where it is not.  In this case meaning comes from me imagining that the needs of mankind take priority over my own happiness.  This becomes a self sacrifice for society.

The fundamental fear at play is that I am seeking survival.  Survival requires me to have some kind of values to pursue or else I would just do nothing.  I also am operating under the assumption that not thinking some pursuit is meaningful would make me feel less passionate about doing it.  At the same time I am starting to see it in a more empowering way of I think of it like "I am the source of meaning.". The underlined sentence seems to be resonating with me.  Similarly with chess mastery I could say that I am making the pursuit meaningful.  Perhaps the positive framing is starting to get through to me if I don't feel less passionate as a result of this.  I will give this a try.

If anybody had similar struggles with meaninglessness, I hope this helps if you can relate.  I think this is a root cause of various episodes in which I feel deeply upset without a clear reason why.  It can be frustrating if this goes on for years.

If you have ways that helped the truth to penetrate your psyche and transform you in many parts of your life, then you could discuss them here.

[eTorro]

I fully understand what you're going through, as I've gone through that a lot of times on the spiritual path.

But hey! Realize that it's just a temporary dysfunctional state of mind. It won't last for long if you start to fully concentrate the mind on the present moment.

A meditation habit would help a lot, and as you meditate for hours every single day, you're starting to develop your pre-frontal cortex and the executive functions of the brain. Therefore, you start to feel a lot better and the meaninglessness fades away.

Concentrate a lot on the present moment and don't let the mind wander all over the place. It is the only way out of meaninglessness and nihilism.

And nonetheless, read books about Zen practices. Also, read Eckhart Tolle. All these books will guide you on this process and give you the framework you need. 

Edited November 21, 2021 by eTorro
To add a sentence.

[trenton]

@eTorro sounds like solid advice.  Thank you.

I found an audio book from Eckhart Tolle called the power of now.  I was meditating pretty much all day and it triggered a sense of merging with all of existence through transcending time.  It is a powerful book of you haven't checked it out already.  He has a couple of other books I did not check out though.

When I manage to meditate early in the morning, I feel much better throughout my entire day as it leads to emotional stability.  I tested this before and I know the result.  Currently I am swept up in many other things like working full time in thanksgiving, looking for new career paths, reading a lot of books, and many other things.  If I could squeeze in just 30 minutes then even that could help out a lot.

[kag101]

in my experience, contemplating about existence can be fruitful up to a certain point. after a while, it becomes a sterile mental masturbation. it's a rabbit hole. 

also, ive found that my existential crisis always get worse when other areas of my life are not doing well (especially when i'm not emotionally bonding with others) . 

 

[trenton]

On 11/22/2021 at 0:29 AM, kag101 said:

also, ive found that my existential crisis always get worse when other areas of my life are not doing well (especially when i'm not emotionally bonding with others) . 

That is a good observation.  If I am having a lot of fights with my family or I am struggling to find a better career, then the frustrations could easily be displaced.  For example, it is hard to stay objective and recognize that everybody is good in the middle of a heated argument in which you are a stake holder.  If this feeds into your general disposition or mood, then you are likely to focus on the most frustrating aspects of existential questions as well.

The ability to recognize this disposition could help you to more quickly recognize displacements and I can try that too.  This could also be related to people with anger issues treating other people poorly not because those people are bad, but because of the general disposition.  Maybe it applies to depression as well if you develop a victim mentality in your worldview as a consequence of poor psychology in other aspects of your life.  This can lead to blaming, scapegoating, and a sense of powerlessness.