Feeling anger, resentment, lack of faith in myself and depression. Need advice!

[Fleetinglife]

I just need someone to hear me out, so I can have a feeling of explaining what I believe the causes of this are better to myself and the person involved. I appreciate and thank anyone in advance willing to separate and invest time and energy to listen to me and hear me out! Thank you! ?

[Flowerfaeiry]

You can message me if you want!

[Fleetinglife]

Thanks for the offer but can I explain briefly here as well in an open format if its no trouble? Just thats its late here now, 1:35 AM  where I live since its the CEST time zone and I am feeling a bit tired to write out everything now I planned to share so if I can do it tommorow when I catch a little sleep and rest and collect my thoughts and feelings if its not a problem to adjust time zones that way with you? Thanks again so much in advance for the willingness, patience, kindness and energy to hear out my problems and negativity, I promise I will try my best to not be to bothersome or longwinded in my personal life summary and explanation of troubles.

Edited November 20, 2021 by Fleetinglife

[Flowerfaeiry]

Of course

[Kyle Gjerseth]

Feel free to message me!

[Fleetinglife]

So I am sorry guys for not engaging with you or responding to you in this thread  I thought I have successfully temporarily suspended my problems and engaged in actively trying to fix them but I thought now I might open up here again since this seems to be a reoccurring issue for which I am deeply embedded and reminded of because of the guilt I feel for wasting my potential as a teen and young adult in the past five years.

I will open up here with the emotional, anger, and mood issues I am facing here with myself and some reoccurring psychosomatic issues for the past several years:

''I am currently engaged still and bound up in a very toxic codependent family relationship with my only dad (after my mother has passed away when I was a kid) without gaining a modicum of financial independence for myself or being currently unemployed since I am studying and trying to wound up some subjects at faculty and trying to decide and make a decision will I still be going to faculty after all or will try to enlist in a college for social work that recognizes the exams I passed up until now on sociology and to before that attempt to find some part-time job, so I can get a revenue stream that will be my own, and not relying exclusively upon a family pension from my deceased mother's work internship as a programmer at a bank in Canada and a brief part-time as an accountant at the postal service here in my home country that I get for being a  regular student at faculty or any higher education institution starting that lasts until I turn 26 while I am still at faculty or college, that my dad uses to cover part of his life and apartment bill expenses, since he has an irreuglar not stable income (income by performance) as German and English teacher in a private school via his temporary several months renewable contracts.

So I am trying to see to pass some more exams here in the winter period but my long term prospects for remaining on this state faculty are called into question, I am feeling that it would be a dragged out and wasteful affair only for the sake of keeping the pension income from the state and that I can retain for the next two years anyway by enrolling into this private college for social work.

Anyways what worries me to most is the fact that I haven't changed my habits enough (I still have problems falling asleep at night late, even after I meditate, I would wake up at 3 or 4 am after having some nightmares (like insects, centipedes walking over my arms, biting and eating me) and wouldn't fall asleep till early in the morning when the sun comes up), and would feel casual fatigue and profound tiredness during the day at noon and would have to lay down and sleep for half an hour or an hour until I feel I've drowned into nothingness after the felt emotional fatigue, turmoil, and emptiness I would feel during the day and I feel sometimes so tired at that point that I don't feel I have the strenght to last meditating for 30 minutes and that during that I would just roll over or fall asleep afterward anyway.

So the point of me writing this all is to ask should be guided by my feelings in pursuing a certain course of action for my life and not take into account the insecurities and the needs of others like my dad's (who would still receive the pension regardless if I would enroll into this private college for two more years) I have until summer when the entrance exam for this is coming up to decide and I feel I have to pass a few exams here in the winter period to prove I am really serious about this and to find some part-time job with a steady income to cover a part of my expenses left for this faculty and for the private college.

Also, I haven't mentioned it in detail but I will the severed bonds and relationships with my other relatives and grandparents from my mother's side that I feel that I need to heal, rekindle and regain their trust again after I acted passively, uninterestedly and didn't call them to ask them how they are doing and how are they (didn't call my aunt to congratulate her on her birthday in the summer) towards them for several months now, which I feel an obligation towards especially my step sister to whom I feel a brotherly duty towards to somehow help her in the future, when she, for example, enrolls into a faculty here in Belgrade when she is old enough, and friends (one from highschool and two girls who I've met in faculty) who were kind and caring enough to offer me their assistance with a job and advice for my mental health problems this past and last year especially with the Covid outbreak lockdown situation, online courses have done independently, my grandfather who I've seen a role model and guide for life difficulties and independence passing away, and my mother's passing away fifteenth aniversary, that I betrayed and lost their trust by not calling them back and answering them while I was in a self-imposed isolation during the start of my autumn semester at the fourth year at faculty, that I am trying to see now to how to make it up with them, regain their trust in me and for them to forgive me and give a second chance (they are on the latest of the list of people I haven't called back and answered back for a long time now in some cases months in others a year has passed (them being my sociology professor from highschool and my other relatives sister)  that I feel for my sake I should try to rekindle my relationship with and to ask them for their forgiveness and for them to regain trust in me by showing them I've changed and have overcome my selfish and unheatlhy patterns of caring and trying to love nobody but myself).

Thanks for hearing me out this is just the tip of the iceberg of things I feel bad and guilty about and that I am losing sleepover, and others being my failed perception of my personal life purpose that I need to somehow repay a debt towards, the failure towards the perceived expectations of people who've I looked towards as role models and heroes through the in comparison to my own state, achievements and actions up until this point in my their own Herculean feats and achievements they made for their own lives for my own life as being an evolving continuation of their successes and ancestors who made possible and leftover for me the cushiness and relative financial securities that I enjoyed through their own strivings, achievements and successes in their own lives and the mission of my soul on this Earth, which I've been thinking and contemplating about and will discuss here more in detail if that thread wouldn't be more appropriate for the Life Purpose Issues Subsection of the Forum.''