Just expressing, feel free to leave a comment :)

[Nadosa]

Hey,

4 years ago I kinda shifted from being "thoughts" to observing them, identifying with "self" in my mind didnt really make sense to me anymore. 

Observing meaning, not via an observer, but via being observation itself. An observer couldnt be "created" anymore.

It was painful and I was close to going insane (whilst knowing I wouldnt) that time, at least I was suffering like hell because there was no sense of a "constant" self anymore (leave aside Depersonalization, I know what it is like to be DP'd, it's completely different). 

I felt great when I didnt fell for the belief that smth was terribly wrong and I was totally present. All problems vanished as soon as I was empty of beliefs. Still, beliefs were there that smth was wrong, I wasnt normal or why I was switching so heavily between perceptions and "two realities", whilst one perception felt like it was slowly peeled off of my "real self". 

This peeling off felt painful because it felt like I literally peeled my "self" off haha, like seriously it felt like dying and I resisted it so much because I had no clue what happened. Hence the process was hell. I still cling to the hell I was going through leaving me utterly confused because I tend to define myself via "the one who has some terrible unknown mental disease". 

Whilst there are days when I'm the most loving and kind person ever and I am known for my passion (belief-free days ay).

I didnt find answers in psychiatry or therapy. I was aware that smth is strange, but being aware THAT smth is strange just excluded me from most diagnoses. Im diagnosed OCD tho.

In thoughts, concepts, mind, beliefs this was going on:

It felt like there was no "solution", nothing to solve, I felt like it was an inevitable process going on, any answer I wanted to find via materialistic terms or mind (thought), lead to a dead-end. 

You know when you want to feel better or get over smth, Depression or smth like that, you can kinda picture yourself in the future "yeah Im getting over it and feel great". Thinking that way was basically a dead end for me. There was "no one" to get better anymore. 

So I ran, ran, ran in the woods till my heart was pumping, sweat was dripping down my head - to shake the feeling off that my self is going to disappear. I meditated trying to create someone, trying to feel secure. Nothing helped literally, I couldnt create anyone anymore. It was hell. I felt lost, trapped, stuck. And I fell for the belief that "I died" when the process started leaving me even worse because I was still there communicating with everyone.

I felt like, the more time passed, the more the past and future "couldnt define" what I am anymore. I felt basically "lost in time", suspended in time, for my mind, it felt terrible, and Im still shaking recalling it. 

I was so deluded. Literally so damn deluded.

Reflection:

I was/am stuck in thoughts about myself (which seems kind of non sense at the moment), I was just resisting Truth and so the unfolding became unbearable. It was like a nightmare. I tried to understand what happened. I couldnt. Mind came to an end. Thoughts couldnt grasp anymore. Resistance was there 24/7 for like 2 years. 

So I had to go look outside of thought.

The only thing that could define was presence.

 I had to subtract "my self" from "myself" or wash my self off myself in order to feel like I "gained" back control.

The thing is though, I am still kinda stuck and I feel not ready to face what I had been going through. It was a hellish trip, any memory of it basically brings me back to the perception of the one who was "suffering" and basically "dying". I feel like it has left quite big scars tho. 

I kinda surpressed it and continued living as if there was nothing going on whilst going depressive, anxious, lethargic, apathetic and living like the most loving person with great awakenings.

Still the story was lingering in the background and I feared it. Because I thought I was the protagonist, the trapped one, the stuck one, the one that saw no solution. When all it needed was letting go. I didnt do it. 

When the Truth was knocking at the door I said "no thanks", preferred reasoning in thoughts about a deluded person which wasn't me in the end.

Still I believe there is an "I" tho which makes it kinda more complicated.

Any help would be appreciated. 

I am still stuck somehow in an inbetween.

Thoughts about being crazy, stuck, identity are all over the place.

Currently realigning.

Edited November 19, 2021 by Nadosa

[mandyjw]

@Nadosa Are you aware that emotion is a real time indicator of how "true" a thought is or how aligned with Love it is? 

There is no need of letting go. It's already a go. It's already letting, there's no question of the letting.

Thoughts that feel bad might say otherwise. 

There is no "yet to realize" there's get to realize. I get to! This entire "thing" exists for creative pleasure, expansion, evolution. I get to. I do not have to entertain thoughts that feel bad. I get to fantasize, imagine, focus, let go of thoughts and be what I already am. 

[Nadosa]

Yes. I feel guilt not having listened to feelings earlier. Literally. I was living in a self-made Nightmare not understanding what I was doing to myself.

All these years I spent figuring out whats wrong with me, living in a story. 

Edited November 19, 2021 by Nadosa

[mandyjw]

@NadosaFeeling is a real time indicator. Which means if you feel guilt over past the negative feeling that we may label guilt is saying, "this thought of me in the past is of the separate self, drop it. "

How do you want to feel? What do you want to do or focus on, what do you want to create? 

 

[Nadosa]

I want to feel unconditionally happy. I am already creating music and my debut EP is on the way.

I just wonder again what the hell has driven me to be sucked into such a delusion. I was creating hundreds of threads here on the forum, just wonder if I was psychotic all the time?

 

[Nahm]

@Nadosa

Awesome to hear! Major breakthroughs. Looking forward to hearing the EP  

Meditation slows the thought activity down, making it easier to spot the ‘me thoughts’ which don’t resonate, and let them go swiftly. 

The emotional scale helps realize the emotion you’re experiencing, in regard to the thoughts. 

Improv writing is quick, simple & easy, and changes the habit of focusing on discordant thoughts, to aligned thoughts. 

Creativity feels great. Experiencing healing modalities feels great. They work. They help with change, with letting stuff go and feeling excited about what’s to come. Even just the simple act of scheduling one feels great & is empowering. 

Instead of any rumination, or, going over the same things thought wise… writing in an expression journal ‘let’s it out’, and heals, by allowing whatever it is, into the light of awareness. 

You’re doing great. Be patient, let expectations go. Love, love, love. 

One key of the emotional scale is the acknowledgement that to float on up to contentment means letting discordant thoughts go… vs the old habit of thinking you need to do something to feel better. 

And if you aren’t, my goodness man, write songs about what you’re experiencing. It’s the culmination of everything else I’ve mentioned here, and those are the best songs. We love the experience of a song which is like ‘I feel like this, do you’. We’re all like, hell yeah I do. 

 

 

[WelcometoReality]

@Nadosa Thank you for sharing your story and sorry your going through such a rough time. Awakening is no joke. It sure brings out every little drop of suffering in us until there's nothing left.

Isn't it funny how we can go from being totally emerged in the suffering to clarity and seeing it as a delusion in an instance?

Sometimes we can get stuck in a place inbetween delusion and clarity where we see the delusions as delusions yet we resist/supress them because they are to painful to see fully. Which make them persist. When we let them run it's course without trying to manipulate them the energy which they are based on starts to fall away.

Have you tried to journal about this? This can be a tool for this energy to express itself fully without any suppressing/resisting happening.

 

[Nadosa]

4 hours ago, WelcometoReality said:

@Nadosa Thank you for sharing your story and sorry your going through such a rough time. Awakening is no joke. It sure brings out every little drop of suffering in us until there's nothing left.

Isn't it funny how we can go from being totally emerged in the suffering to clarity and seeing it as a delusion in an instance?

Sometimes we can get stuck in a place inbetween delusion and clarity where we see the delusions as delusions yet we resist/supress them because they are to painful to see fully. Which make them persist. When we let them run it's course without trying to manipulate them the energy which they are based on starts to fall away.

Have you tried to journal about this? This can be a tool for this energy to express itself fully without any suppressing/resisting happening.

 

Nope havent tried anything because I believed so deeply that this "cant be healed", so nothing would work anyways for me...

5 hours ago, Nahm said:

@Nadosa

Awesome to hear! Major breakthroughs. Looking forward to hearing the EP  

Meditation slows the thought activity down, making it easier to spot the ‘me thoughts’ which don’t resonate, and let them go swiftly. 

The emotional scale helps realize the emotion you’re experiencing, in regard to the thoughts. 

Improv writing is quick, simple & easy, and changes the habit of focusing on discordant thoughts, to aligned thoughts. 

Creativity feels great. Experiencing healing modalities feels great. They work. They help with change, with letting stuff go and feeling excited about what’s to come. Even just the simple act of scheduling one feels great & is empowering. 

Instead of any rumination, or, going over the same things thought wise… writing in an expression journal ‘let’s it out’, and heals, by allowing whatever it is, into the light of awareness. 

You’re doing great. Be patient, let expectations go. Love, love, love. 

One key of the emotional scale is the acknowledgement that to float on up to contentment means letting discordant thoughts go… vs the old habit of thinking you need to do something to feel better. 

And if you aren’t, my goodness man, write songs about what you’re experiencing. It’s the culmination of everything else I’ve mentioned here, and those are the best songs. We love the experience of a song which is like ‘I feel like this, do you’. We’re all like, hell yeah I do. 

 

 

Yeah thats the only way...

Edited November 19, 2021 by Nadosa

[Nadosa]

I'm currently appreciating the little things so much. Just a hot cup of coffee on a rainy day whilst composing some new music feels great.

I've watched some videos of Adyashanti about core beliefs. He mentioned "if you transcended it, but it keeps popping up, go into it, feel it and see it for what it is". I feel like that's the reason it still lingered in the background over all these years even though I had dozen of hours of meditation experience...the belief I always avoided to face, the belief that smth is wrong with me, why I felt like I shouldnt be here anymore, just the mere fear...

[Nadosa]

I woke up the middle of the night now with racing thoughts about myself after a nightmare in which I felt the same, constantly questioned who I am and couldnt answer anything that would bring me freedom whatsoever, now I feel fear, doubt, worry, clouding my sense of self, like I cant pinpoint what I am or who this is, again based on this foolish belief that smth is wrong with me (dont ever go to bed with such beliefs). Then I look in the mirror feeling like the heck is this guy (yeah it has some Depersonalization Features).

I want this to end so bad. It's like yesterday you see through it, today you dont feel anything what you understood back then and now you are kinda locked into one view again and THIS is of course the ONLY one and correct perspective (sure mind...). Now I believe smth is wrong with me again. And I cant by any means rationalize logically why I believe it or like see everything is fine. 

Huge belief is that I somehow have to fix this part of me which believed smth has been wrong for so long. 

Another belief (which feels hella discordant...) is that Im maybe doomed and this was always the way its supposed to be.

Another belief is that maybe I just surpressed that I am crazy and never admitted that I have delusions that basically have nothing in common with reality.

Another thing that freaks me out is how easily one can get sucked in back into delusion and as soon as Im deluded nothing really seems to reach in a sense of gaining control over the situation. As soon as conscious letting go happens...I can focus.

I believe delusion is my default state of living. The fuck...

Again, I tend to believe that I have no Control over my issues at all. Which gives me a feeling of Powerlessness (that's the way I felt throughout the entire day tbh).

Another belief is that I feel like I am totally crazy whenever I lose touch with Truth. I start judging myself, lose any rational self-reflection and function merely on auto pilot. This is a fucking nightmare. Like how is one supposed to function like that. 

I believe I can only and will ever function properly if I am fully conscious of everything that goes on in this moment. Otherwise thoughts tend to be so damn seductive.

I am currently aware that I have never really dug into my delusions, but never felt the need to do so, just kinda "sensed" that I am living with some bad programming underneath. Like... @Nahm once said in a message trace back your belief and the fear aligned with it and see that is has no relevance NOW. But again, that is what thought tells me...maybe it is not true...maybe there is nothing to fix.

Another belief is that I feel like I have to go into the past and "revisit" my old self''s view and kinda work through old memories and realign, solve the way I perceived things and where I believe lies the root issue.

Which feels hella discordant with a feeling of being utterly "stuck" in the past. Which makes no sense. But I realized during work "dude you are so damn unconscious again, you ruminate again, you know where this ends, just stop...",...thoughts came up "I cant, Im doomed, there is no way out"...And instantly believed...feeling the discordance (feels great hmmm, the old mud, shitty feeling, thats what I like), would say that's doubt on the emotional scale.

This is so easy stuff, and I dont know, but since I have directly faced what it can lead to NOT being directly conscious OF what is going on in thought, I am much more vulnerable and sensible "sensing" that smth feels off and I instantly react in an inappropriate way I guess. I am also much more often seduced back into belief and delusion. Because it just seems so familar. And true. And yeah.

I believe I completely lack awareness of my emotions tho. 

I believe that I "dont need it, never needed it, why would you now use it, why would it help"...I also realize that I am staying ignorant because I always believed I had already figured it all out anyways, which certainly I do not have, I just suddenly stopped using it because I felt like nothing helps anyways. Which is pretty stupid.

I believe that 4 years ago smth clicked inside me, and only before that I was a well "functioning and feeling" human being, and that I am now not in control about anything anymore.

Another feeling is jealousy, I am jealous of people having it a bit easier mentally and I keep running in circles. Then I feel blame, especially about myself because on the one hand I feel just shitty but then I know I am responsible for my own happiness.

I also feel guilt about leaving my loved ones doubting about my mental state. I tend to feel like a burden.

Srsly this cant be it, can it?  One cant be destined to suffer or find no way out, I cant believe that, yet I do? 

Ive had a gf for like 2 years, I didnt have one single thought about all this existential stuff at all. But here and then the belief that smth is wrong with me was running its course underneath it all, because I always felt so different from everybody else, like someone "fluid", not someone with a constant "sense of self" but rather I felt like I could decide whoever I wanted to be in any situation. 

I am just so very lost between who I was and who I want to be, one could literally say it is an identity crisis at its best. 

The new I is merely established, nor directly seen. The old I, nah, its nothing I want to be anymore.

When you dont have anything to really ground in, you even feel a bit alienated from your body... because your identity is basically just built around discordant beliefs that smth is wrong with you. 

I feel like I can choose who I want to be. But I kinda dont want to take responsibility and prefer creating stories about myself rather than facing the fact that I am responsible for what I am thinking and feeling.

 

PS:

I think its the anxiety talking at the moment. Just using it as expression.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited November 21, 2021 by Nadosa