How to approach when *You don't have your sh*t together*

[PurpleTree]

So in many ways i just don't have my ish together and never had. And i don't really want to burden a potentially good person/woman with that crap.

 

Growing up in a single parent household. With an unstable parent who had some drug issues at some time. Having a lot of anger as a kid for not having a father and happy family and had a lot of frustration because my mom was unstable. Having "beef " with my mothers bf's. Grandparents died young. Basically no contact to my fathers side of the family, they live on another continent. Didn't have siblings or father who could help me at school against bullys. But i was still good at school until about 12-13 y o. Then something happened which made it worse. There was a funny guy who lived with us from when i was about 10-12. he wasn't my mothers bf but a friend that she knew since she was 16. It was fun to hang with him, i went to see horror movies with him all the time at the cinema because he got free tickets from his sister and went with him to all sorts of places, he was like a father figure for those two yrs. But then when i was 12 he got addicted to heroin, then at some point when we weren't at home, he broke into my moms and my apartment and stole quite a lot of money for heroin. He made it look like some one else broke in. But my mom found out it was him, he was gone from that day, never talked to him again. My mom didn't know how to handle her feelings, she knew him since she was 16 and trusted him. And i didn't know how to handle my feelings at all. Puberty hit at the same time.

So from basically 13 i stopped lifting a finger for school, became more angry and withdrawn. Started hanging with the "cool/dumb/pot" crowd started smoking weed everyday. Effed up school. Only had sh*t jobs after school because of that f up. Never had a job for longer than about 15 months (which is typical add behaviour also) So that depressed me even more having to work sh*t jobs, not having a lot of money, often i was also not working at all.

So then that went on for yrs or decades. So then about 7 yrs ago i went to jail for selling ecstasy. And when i came out of jail i had to finally learn a job/profession but i was under pressure from the court/jury and i was under pressure from other authorities, government offices. They gave me less jail time because it was a first time offence and because i told them i will learn a profession. Still i was on probation for 3 yrs. So i wasn't very free in deciding what profession i'm going to learn. Then me and those authorities/government offices decided for accounting. Which was totally the wrong decision in hindsight. Because it's none of my talent, maths was always my worst subject, i don't like sitting at the office all day and so on. I was good at drawing and stuff as a kid, the best in my class. But they told me the creative field isn't very easy to earn enough money and soo many people want to work in a creative field. I was thinking about the health field as my mother is a nurse and the job makes sense. But they told me because of the drug offence, many hospitals etc. might not take me because of the medication etc. So i learned accounting. I was decent at the exams and so on but now i had a job which i hated basically. So that was two yrs ago before covid. My plan was to go travelling for 6 months or more and then maybe even learn another job like in the health field etc. But then covid hit couldn't really travel. So now i'm Leo's age, i got another shit job in another field, only work 70% though, night shifts and i'm not sure what the future brings.

Health wise i have some add, chronic fatigue, anxiety, gut issues, confidence issues, sleep issues

I'm writing all that to say i basically never had mi ish together and don't know if i ever will. Might still go into the health field. Try to do something creative. Or try to become self employed in some ways.

There are also many good things about me for example even though i did that ecstasy business stuff i had pretty high morals, i always brought pills to the lab to get tested if they're clean, never sold to kids, never cheated anyone. Many people always told me "what a good person" i am. And funny enough i always got compliments at how "good at that business" i was.  Never sold cocaine or other drugs even though had countless options and could have made a lot of money, as i didn't like what i made out of people. Connected to nature. Often speak up for people who don't even speak up for themselves. Often go against the grain, which can be bad or good. I'm well traveled, pretty decent with languages. I want the best for everyone. Want to help people. Interested in many things. Interested in cultures and the world. Have a pretty good sense of style, although sometimes i'll wear ridiculous ish like a big pink t-shirt, but i sometimes get compliments. Have a creative mind and so on. 

If people ask me about jobs and career, i hate talking about that stuff because i find it frustrating, and lying also isn't an option.

 

So how can i burden a potentially good person with such crap though?  it's like a therapy session ayeeeee

i might use this post for other threads too and edit here and there.

Edited November 19, 2021 by PurpleTree

[Raptorsin7]

I recommend spending some time and look for a quality therapist/coach/healer to help you build a plan to get your life on track. 

Don't do it alone, you will waste so much time that can be saved by a good mentor. 

I would say don't worry about pick up until you start getting your life together. You can do pick up at any age so theres no rush, and it's possible when you get your life together you won't even want to do pick up. 

"First we get money! Then we get the power! Then we get the woman! - "Tony Montanna"

[Lyubov]

Your first sentence is the issue here right off the bat. You seem to consider your presence a burden. I feel a lot of shame in this. A “good person.” Do you feel like you are a bad person? I would do inner work, therapy, etc to really raise your self esteem and start loving yourself. You can always be doing this simultaneously with going out a bit here and there and looking to meet women. 

Edited November 19, 2021 by Lyubov

[PurpleTree]

10 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I recommend spending some time and look for a quality therapist/coach/healer to help you build a plan to get your life on track. 

Don't do it alone, you will waste so much time that can be saved by a good mentor. 

I would say don't worry about pick up until you start getting your life together. You can do pick up at any age so theres no rush, and it's possible when you get your life together you won't even want to do pick up. 

"First we get money! Then we get the power! Then we get the woman! - "Tony Montanna"

i've tried therapy quite a few times. Didn't help a lot though. Maybe it was the wrong therapist not the right form of therapy or maybe i'm therapy resistant in some ways. Also tried medication ssri's and so on, had pro's and con's, stopped taking them before the exams though so that i could learn better. I might never really get my life together, as i have a chronic fatigue issue and it's not so easy to learn a new job with that.

8 minutes ago, Lyubov said:

Your first sentence is the issue here right off the bat. You seem to consider your presence a burden. I feel a lot of shame in this. A “good person.” Do you feel like you are a bad person? I would do inner work, therapy, etc to really raise your self esteem and start loving yourself.

You're right there is a lot of shame. And i often do consider my presence as a burden. I'm working on that. Not sure if it's really working though. I don't consider myself a bad person at all. But still burdensome probably.

Edited November 19, 2021 by PurpleTree

[Raptorsin7]

@PurpleTree I would watching a lot of jokko willinick and learn what it means to take extreme ownership over your life.

Therapy can only work if you fully buy in, but you also have to find someone who is a good fit and knows what they are talking about.

I really liked Dr John Demartinis videos, go check out to see if he has anything that applies to some issue you're having. I bet he does

[PurpleTree]

1 minute ago, Raptorsin7 said:

@PurpleTree I would watching a lot of jokko willinick and learn what it means to take extreme ownership over your life.

not really feeling the guy at all

2 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

@PurpleTree

I really liked Dr John Demartinis videos, go check out to see if he has anything that applies to some issue you're having. I bet he does

thanks, might look into that

[Raptorsin7]

12 minutes ago, PurpleTree said:

not really feeling the guy at all

thanks, might look into that

He triggers the part of you that rejects responsibility for your life.

Reality is a mirror. When you are triggered by something/someone its really telling you to examine that part of yourself.

You don't take responsibility for your life, so your life remains in turmoil. You have to learn what it means to take responsibility and get an upward spiral going 

[PurpleTree]

Just now, Raptorsin7 said:

He triggers the part of you that rejects responsibility for your life.

Reality is a mirror. When you are triggered by something/someone its really telling you to examine that part of yourself.

You don't take responsibility for your life, so your life remains in turmoil. You have to learn what it means to take responsibility and get an upward spiral going 

nah i just don't really care for those kind of "military heads" "you don't need sleep" "give me 1000 pushups" kind of guys

i'd rather take advice from someone who had for example chronic fatigue and got out of it

or from a more sensitive/creative person like me

 

but thanks for trying to help 

[bloomer]

@PurpleTree

Reading your story and you mentioning that you were a drug dealer and how your lifes been messed up from your teen years on wards. I expect you've already dated girls before etc... I'll caveat this with the fact that I don't know what I'm talking about. But it might be useful to have another opinion. I don't think a lot of women give a shit if you have your life together. Plenty of women date, sleep with, fall in love with and have kids with men whose lives are complete messes if those men are attractive and charismatic. 

Now will you find the kind of woman you want, having your life as a mess? Probably not. But I think you should first figure out what kind of woman that is and what kind of standards she has. As soon as you've figured out what kind of woman that is work on becoming the man that she wants.

 

Edited November 19, 2021 by bloomer

[Raptorsin7]

6 minutes ago, PurpleTree said:

nah i just don't really care for those kind of "military heads" "you don't need sleep" "give me 1000 pushups" kind of guys

i'd rather take advice from someone who had for example chronic fatigue and got out of it

or from a more sensitive/creative person like me

 

but thanks for trying to help 

Have you looked into supplementation?

I've had great success with supplements for depression and stress

[PurpleTree]

11 minutes ago, bloomer said:

@PurpleTree

Reading your story and you mentioning that you're a drug dealer and how you're lifes been messed up from your teen years on wards. I expect you've already dated girls before etc... I'll caveat this with the fact that I don't know what I'm talking about. But it might be useful to have another opinion. I don't think a lot of women give a shit if you have your life together. Plenty of women date, sleep with, fall in love with and have kids with men whose lives are complete messes if those men are attractive and charismatic. 

Now will you find the kind of woman you want having your life as a mess. Probably not. But I think you should first figure out what kind of woman that is and what kind of standards she has. As soon as you've figured out what kind of woman that is work on becoming the man that she wants.

 

never had a satisfying, loving, stable relationship

i've had sexual relationships that went on for months and months or maybe up to almost a yr

i think i have a huge fear of getting hurt

often the ones that are interested in a real relationship with me i'm not so much interested and the ones i'm really interested in, i just freeze or friendzone her or myself

also a huge fear of getting into a relationship with the "wrong" woman

9 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Have you looked into supplementation?

I've had great success with supplements for depression and stress

i've bought supplements for probably thousands of $

most of them work for some time and then don't because of tolerance. and many of them interfere with my sleep which is the worst.

many supps for fatigue give me anxiety as i'm prone to that.

but i also have some keepers

Edited November 19, 2021 by PurpleTree

[PurpleTree]

I think in one way it was always very important to me to give the impression that i'm well put together and that everything is alright at home as a kid with me, my mother and so on.

And still to this day i'll kind of like to give that vibe that everything great and that i'm orderly even though i'm not. There's probably also a fear of someone finding out that everything isn't as great as i like to portray it or whatever

Edited November 19, 2021 by PurpleTree

[bloomer]

@PurpleTree

Just edited my previous comment now. It was poorly worded. 

17 minutes ago, PurpleTree said:

often the ones that are interested in a real relationship with me i'm not so much interested and the ones i'm really interested in, i just freeze or friendzone her or myself

Typically the women who are best for us we have no sexual interest in. But the women who are bad for us we are aroused by. This is also true for women. 

I think you have to learn to be more attracted to those women that are actually good for you.

19 minutes ago, PurpleTree said:

never had a satisfying, loving, stable relationship

i've had sexual relationships that went on for months and months or maybe up to almost a yr

Also you need to find out what a satisfying relationship actually looks like rather than just sexual flings. 

[PurpleTree]

1 minute ago, bloomer said:

@PurpleTree

I think you have to learn to be more attracted to those women that are actually good for you.

Also you need to find out what a satisfying relationship actually looks like rather than just sexual flings. 

I think i know what it looks like in my mind. As i've had friendships with guys and gals.

I'd just imagine it to be a great deep. loving friendship+intimacy and sex

decorating a christmas tree together and stuff  

[NoSelfSelf]

Do you feel ready to do pick up? If you do then dont look so far ahead, first you have to built a skill,for example can you approach on command and talk for 1 min about something random? If not start there its not like you will approach and get a date and a gf right of the bat mybe you are natural but its not likely...and you dont have to go on a date just built the skill thats the key...

[Leo Gura]

It doesn't matter. When you talk to girls just have fun. They don't care about your personal problems.

[Arcangelo]

How to approach when *You don't have your sh*t together*

Testicles

Also

You must become good at selling them a dream.

[Lyubov]

11 hours ago, PurpleTree said:

You're right there is a lot of shame. And i often do consider my presence as a burden. I'm working on that. Not sure if it's really working though. I don't consider myself a bad person at all. But still burdensome probably.

I would give therapy a second try if you have the resources to do so. There are several different modalities. Internal Family Systems is a really good on. Also body based stuff as well. 

You’re aware of this shame and that there is some stuff going on internally which is actually a really good sign. It means you are on a path to get to the place you want to be and create the life you want to live. I have no doubt since you are here posting and self reflective enough to make this thread that this will happen. It may take a little time but be patient with the process. The replies here won’t have all the answers but can inspire you to take action in various ways. I am big on therapy myself. Therapy for assisting with challenging psychedelic experiences got me into it and I’ve stayed in it since. It’s helped me exponentially. 

[ZenRising]

Thanks. for sharing your story PurpleTree... I identify with a lot of it... there was a lot of drug use (and selling) in my journey, and I faced police charges as well... I got clean and sober some years ago, and that has made a huge difference... it took a long time to work thought all the shit from my childhood (a lot of abuse and instability), and I still have my difficulties, but time and work... and a developing a healthy support network... made all the difference... today I'm trying to get back out there in dating after several years of not doing so (long term relationship)... it's tough getting started again! Looking forward to hearing how your journey develops..

Good luck!Lucas

[Nahm]

There is a website where you can join people in holding a hand on a hot stove. I’ll try to find it for you.