Depersonalization. Tricky life situation. Emotional neglect. Help?

[KatiesKarma]

Um... hello.

I don't even know how to justify the "life" I have created for myself. Honestly it is so ridiculous (and sad) that I cannot fathom that "I" did it, nor that it is actually happening.

Current life situation/backround:

- hyper religous mom + criminal narc father

- basically what set fire to the gasoline was Corona, taking my one and only real life responsibility from me: school. No more meaningless small talk and homework, no routine. Just homeschool and rotting for 6 months -> Full on Depression and Depersonalization got triggered (no emotions, all my memories feel distant and impersonal) which makes studying significantly harder.

- filled my mind with all sorts of delusional trash, including Leo's videos. I desperately wanted to figure out the "meaning" of life. Well I got to the intellectual bottom of it and I did not enjoy what I saw.

 [even went to a clairvoyant priest in Ukraine who just starred into my eyes and told me I should not have read any of this lol ]

- I have pretty much fully resigned, gave up trying to achive something like finishing school or making a singular friend

- i go to therapy but it is so useless because I have no routine (or anything really) going for me

- mother went to tarot card lady who said that everything would turn out okay for me and I fully trusted her. Well, none of it came true. This really fucked me up even further

- all I see is contradiction upon contradiction

 

TDLR: wasted my life, turning 19 in a few days, criminal refugee family, no friends , not exactly a good future in store for me

Questions

1. How do I get rid of Depersonalization?

2. Am I beyond help?

3. What would you do?

4. Is it true that deep down we always know what we should do but we are too afraid to do it so we just don't?

 

- Katy

 

[Nahm]

34 minutes ago, KatiesKarma said:

Questions

1. How do I get rid of Depersonalization?

By looking around and actually checking to see if it’s something you in fact do have. If it isn’t, consider it might just be something you believe. 

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2. Am I beyond help?

Yes & no.

Yes, as in you are already awareness (infinite) of beliefs (finite). Beliefs come & go, while you do not. You are already unthinkably beyond needing help. 

No, as in you can inspect and see through, dispel, and relinquish limiting beliefs. 

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3. What would you do?

Ask questions instead of asserting statements, ongoing. 

No longer focus on justifying anything. It’s unnecessary. 

Eat clean & meditate twice a day, first thing in the morning and again in the afternoon. 

Write what is wanted on a dreamboard. Include the routine you want. Focus (effortlessly) on only what is wanted, allowing other people to focus on whatever they want. Letting their business be their business, get’s your focus off others, and back to what you want. 

Understand the emotions experienced, rather than remaining ignorant of this & continuing to believe in depersonalization & depression. That’s aversion. Take full advantage of every resource available to you. 

Understand blame is an emotion you experience which is guidance in regard to the thoughts about something being taken from you, and re-focus on wanted rather than lack, shortage and injustice. Wether or not it’s fair isn’t the position you’re in. That you are free to let beliefs go and focus on wanted, is the position you’re in. 

Take trust, and refocus it onto it’s rightful place, this universe, and let everyone else off the hook. Allow them to live their own lives and no longer hold them accountable for your happiness. Own accountability for your emotional well being. Write what you want on your dreamboard, directly experience that it does unfold, and re-understand trust altogether, such that the concept is seen to be unnecessary altogether. 

When you experience contradiction, don’t settle, inspect, inspect the thoughts. Be humbly willing to acknowledge contradiction occurs as thoughts. Let go of expectations held on others, and the resulting blaming & habitual complaining. Appreciation & gratitude instead. There is much to be thankful for.

Take responsibility for your own vision of your future. No one else can do this for you, because they already have theirs happnin. 

Take Leo’s life purpose course. Feel the life affirmation in doing so. Be aware it is you making the conscious choice to begin changing all this. Be most patient & loving with yourself, and everyone else too. Acknowledge no one or no thing is preventing you from doing this now, and always. 

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4. Is it true that deep down we always know what we should do but we are too afraid to do it so we just don't?

No. There is nothing you should do. You’ve become accustomed to holding expectations upon others (shoulds). You can become accustomed to not holding expectations (shoulds) at all. It’s a matter of focus, honesty and understanding emotions. 

What is true, is that you can do, have, be and experience what you desire to. 

[Gesundheit2]

55 minutes ago, KatiesKarma said:

Questions

1. How do I get rid of Depersonalization?

Easily by socializing with other people. You are a mirror, and everyone else is also a mirror. You can only recognize your self through the reflection you see in others. Avoid solitude for the next few weeks. Interact with real people as much as you can, and you will get over this state sooner than you expect.

55 minutes ago, KatiesKarma said:

2. Am I beyond help?

No one ever is beyond help.

55 minutes ago, KatiesKarma said:

4. Is it true that deep down we always know what we should do but we are too afraid to do it so we just don't?

Most of the times, yes.

[Harlen Kelly]

6 hours ago, KatiesKarma said:

TDLR: wasted my life, turning 19 in a few days, criminal refugee family, no friends , not exactly a good future in store for me

how exactly have you wasted your life if you are only 19? 

Edited November 19, 2021 by Harlen Kelly