How do you get good at small talk?

[bloomer]

I find it very difficult to make small talk with people. The fact that I work as a cashier currently and have such a hard time with small talk makes for some awkward encounters with people who want to make idle chit chat. I've been struggling with this for the past few months. I've gotten better but was hoping someone here could give me some advice, so I can stop with the awkward quietness and with saying the wrong things and the wrong times.

Most interactions I have with people now, are really just me operating on a muscle memory. They said that, I should say this. It's for the most part sub conscious now, but sometimes I get jolted into some conversation that I wasn't expecting. 

This is a side note but I hate small talk. I've always hated small talk. It comes across as disingenuous to me. I think in English culture and language we have peppered in all these emphatic pointless expressions, that lack meaning and are only really used for general social communication. For an example, an English speaker in the UK could come up to you, knowing that last week your entire family had been killed in a fire, and ask you how you're doing. Small talk and questions like that annoy me because typically people don't care how you're doing, or how the weather is, or anything else they say to fill in the silence. I'd be much more content with people just saying, hello and goodbye. At least that would be honest.

It feels like every time I'm forced into small talk, I'm forced into lying and playing a role. How can I get over this feeling and start to actually get good at, and maybe even enjoy small talk?

 

 

[Leo Gura]

1) Change your attitude about small-talk so you aren't hating it.

2) Observe people who are good at small-talk and notice what they talk about and how.

Much small-talk is just talking about yourself, and talking about minor details of your life.

[bloomer]

@Leo Gura

Thank you for the reply. First post and the first reply is from the man himself. Been watching your videos on and off for years now, and have found them very helpful, so I'm deeply thankful and wish you all the best.

2 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

1) Change your attitude about small-talk so you aren't hating it.

I think I'm a very introverted person, so I struggle with always being stuck in my own head and analyzing every situation. So when I have to make chit chat with people, I'm always thinking about why I'm doing what I'm doing and saying what I'm saying, and the same goes for the person I'm talking with. I think for me to change my attitude I'd need to get out my own head. The only times I get out of my own head though is when I'm drunk, pretty much. I don't know what my point is. It's easier said than done than to just change my attitude on talking with people when it's basically my personality.

8 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

2) Observe people who are good at small-talk and notice what they talk about and how.

Honestly it seems alien to me. I've spent some time around extroverted people who can talk about nothing endlessly, and to me it's as if they're performing a magic trick or something. When I watch people who are good at small talk it seems like they just blurt out the first thing that comes to their mind. They have no filter and the thoughts they have are all naturally the right things to say most of the time. I'm always up in the clouds thinking about weird shit that no one wants to hear, and definitely wouldn't be acceptable to say to some stranger in a grocery store lol. 

12 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Much small-talk is just talking about yourself, and talking about minor details of your life.

I don't think I'm a very interesting person or that people want to hear about the details of my life so I just don't say them.

[Nahm]

Meditation. You won’t hold the belief you’re an introvert for long, because that is thought activity, which settles (disappears) via meditation. 

Make a dreamboard. Take Leo’s LP course. Between those activities & meditation, focus is no longer on “yourself” (that’s just thought activity) and onto experience. You’ll then never be at a loss for speaking passionately, compassionately, and naturally. 

[Armand]

27 minutes ago, bloomer said:

I don't think I'm a very interesting person or that people want to hear about the details of my life so I just don't say them.

Know that you can talk about the most mundane things to anyone and someone will gladly listen to you. It's easier to talk about the things you're interested in and passionate about with others to form bonds. The key to doing that though is to also listen to them and respond to what they are interested in and keep asking questions. 

I know people that never stop talking and they are surrounded by constant love and support because they've mastered approaching random people with a positive and energetic energy that's captivating to watch. 

I completely understand that drinking does help motivate you into talking to others, it's not called liquid encouragement for nothing.

Last thing I want to say is that being an introvert you might be more comfortable with not talking or engaging in conversations. That's ok! But as humans it's important to know that we are a social species that really crave social interaction and fitting in with groups. Depending on where your interests are, you can always look online for local groups that meet up so you can join to in and help build your confidence by discussing something you're passionate about. For me I've joined book clubs, going to raves, concerts, renaissance festivals, and I do go to see spiritual teachers I admire if they're having an event close enough. I've met many other spiritual individuals by going to events. It helps taking a friend with you if possible.

[bloomer]

@Nahm

10 minutes ago, Nahm said:

Meditation. You won’t hold the belief you’re an introvert for long, because that is thought activity, which settles (disappears) via meditation. 

That's interesting. I've been meaning to meditate but each time I start the habit I stop soon after starting and then begin procrastinating again. Stopping that thought activity I think is close to what I was saying in the other comment about getting out of my own head when socializing and dealing with people. I will start meditating more. How long with a meditation habit could I expect for my introversion t begin fading away?

10 minutes ago, Nahm said:

Make a dreamboard. Take Leo’s LP course. Between those activities & meditation, focus is no longer on “yourself” (that’s just thought activity) and onto experience. You’ll then never be at a loss for speaking passionately, compassionately, and naturally. 

Thanks Nahm. I'll read that page now and look into that course. 

@Armand

7 minutes ago, Armand said:

Depending on where your interests are, you can always look online for local groups that meet up so you can join to in and help build your confidence by discussing something you're passionate about. For me I've joined book clubs, going to raves, concerts, renaissance festivals, and I do go to see spiritual teachers I admire if they're having an event close enough.

I have an issue that's related to that. Since I'm such an introverted and shy person. Since covid lockdowns I've fallen out of touch with friends. For the past two years really all I've done is go to work and come home, without any social life or really talking with people. I think that's destroyed my ability to really hold conversations with people. That already being on top of the fact that I naturally don't like to speak or really engage in most conversation. 

My issue is I don't know how to fix my lack of a social life or go out and find these groups with people my own age. I'm 21 years old. I feel trapped in my current life right now. Maybe there are book clubs I could join in my area but I doubt it. I've never been to a rave or concert and the idea of going alone make me nervous. Especially since I can hardly hold a conversation with a customer. I doubt I could handle being in such a high energy environment like that. But it might help me get better with people and be more of a people person to find some group.

Thanks both for the replies. 

[Nahm]

5 minutes ago, bloomer said:

How long with a meditation habit could I expect for my introversion t begin fading away?

That is the thought activity which is let go in meditation. Had you not thought & said it just now, then just now it would already be receding. Notice you believe it’s yours, while in truth it’s a thought that arose now. 

Also, meditation is not a habit, and there is nothing wrong with you, and nothing to fix. 

That statement surely brings to mind “But I want…._________”.

Instead of focusing on thoughts about yourself, focus on _________. 

[bloomer]

@Nahm

Just noticed I forgot to add the o to that to. NOOOOO 

3 minutes ago, Nahm said:

That is the thought activity which is let go in meditation. Had you not thought & said it just now, then just now it would already be receding. Notice you believe it’s yours, while in truth it’s a thought that arose now. 

Yeah you're right. Well those thoughts have been with me as long as I can remember. It will take a long time meditating before I get rid of it.

5 minutes ago, Nahm said:

Also, meditation is not a habit, and there is nothing wrong with you, and nothing to fix. 

I don't know, I'm not happy with my life right now. Sure feels like somethings wrong with me when I can't do what everyone else can do which is to have a social life and make small talk. 

7 minutes ago, Nahm said:

That statement surely brings to mind “But I want…._________”.

Instead of focusing on thoughts about yourself, focus on _________. 

How do you detach the thing you want from yourself? The two things are completely connected.

[gettoefl]

say for the sake of argument i encounter 100 people a week (could be 10 could be 1000 different for everyone)

how many of the hundred do i want to be active participants in my life

only those do i make small talk with, the rest are just hi's and bye's

for me that is a small number

small talk to me is a 1-2 punch ... 1 is a topical question to ask them such as did you hear about that fire in town? ... engage and listen ... 2 my opinion on the matter which is always made up but hopefully entertaining

[bloomer]

@gettoefl

24 minutes ago, gettoefl said:

only those do i make small talk with, the rest are just hi's and bye's

I feel forced into situations often where I have to make small talk. Unfortunately the number of people I come to contact with weekly is higher. Of those I'd like to get to know better? Well anyone really close to my age, I'm sick of being stuck at home all the time.

25 minutes ago, gettoefl said:

small talk to me is a 1-2 punch ... 1 is a topical question to ask them such as did you hear about that fire in town? ... engage and listen ... 2 my opinion on the matter which is always made up but hopefully entertaining

That's a good method for dealing with small talk. I'm taking it. But I'll actually give my opinion. Again I don't like being disingenuous. 

[gettoefl]

31 minutes ago, bloomer said:

@gettoefl

I feel forced into situations often where I have to make small talk. Unfortunately the number of people I come to contact with weekly is higher. Of those I'd like to get to know better? Well anyone really close to my age, I'm sick of being stuck at home all the time.

That's a good method for dealing with small talk. I'm taking it. But I'll actually give my opinion. Again I don't like being disingenuous. 

two more good strategies:

ask them something about their appearance - obviously not too personal or forward - something like, love your shoes, are they very comfortable ...  where did you get them from

something simple like, are you ready for christmas yet? have you got all your presents? have you put up decorations

basically small talk is having a bunch of fun questions up your sleeve ... if i like them a lot i am looking for an opening to a more probing cheeky question

cheeky question follow up to above is ... so i wondered this year have you been naughty or nice

Edited November 19, 2021 by gettoefl

[bloomer]

@gettoefl

14 minutes ago, gettoefl said:

ask them something about their appearance - obviously not too personal or forward - something like, love your shoes, are they very comfortable ...  where did you get them from

Occasionally I actually have a customer with nice clothes or shoes on. Next time I see one I will ask this. Hopefully it doesn't come across as awkward.

15 minutes ago, gettoefl said:

basically small talk is having a bunch of fun questions up your sleeve ... if i like them a lot i am looking for an opening to a more probing cheeky question

Yeah I'll write down some questions to ask. 

[gettoefl]

4 minutes ago, bloomer said:

@gettoefl

Occasionally I actually have a customer with nice clothes or shoes on. Next time I see one I will ask this. Hopefully it doesn't come across as awkward.

Yeah I'll write down some questions to ask. 

scrolling bbc site bbc.co.uk is quick and gives good stuff to discuss for me ... in 15 minutes can easily grab 6 fun questions

[mandyjw]

@bloomer Why do you want to be better at small talk? 

[bloomer]

@gettoefl

Thanks mate. I'll check for those questions now.

@mandyjw

I'm sick of getting into awkward interactions. Think it would help me be more comfortable around people and the potential to make friends. Also could be helpful to be good at small talk with girls.

[Nahm]

3 hours ago, bloomer said:

Yeah you're right. Well those thoughts have been with me as long as I can remember. It will take a long time meditating before I get rid of it.

Only takes a second to notice ‘getting rid of it’ is a thought… which can be let go in meditation. Meditation isn’t to solve anything. It’s more of a letting go of the thoughts, that there are problems. 

3 hours ago, bloomer said:

I don't know, I'm not happy with my life right now. Sure feels like somethings wrong with me when I can't do what everyone else can do which is to have a social life and make small talk. 

3 hours ago, Nahm said:

That’s the beauty of meditation. Those are thoughts, which can be let go. Thoughts seem true when we believe em. The ‘other route’ is meditation. Soon enough the thoughts aren’t believed, as there is just more ‘space’ around thoughts from meditation, and we see through them. We see that they are, just thoughts.  They aren’t true about you. 

The emotional scale is most helpful. For example, it is good to understand the emotion of jealousy, for a creator of reality. It lets you know what you want. Which helps you recognize discordant thoughts, about having it, and between the scale & meditation, those thoughts are let go / seen through, and thus your entire experience changes. 

3 hours ago, bloomer said:

How do you detach the thing you want from yourself? The two things are completely connected.

If they are truly connected, and I very much agree that they are, then there is not a separate you, separate of, whatever is wanted. So there isn’t a ‘how’ per se, there is just noticing this. 

https://www.actualityofbeing.com/the-emotional-scale

https://www.actualityofbeing.com/the-ten-ox-herding-pictures

[mandyjw]

1 hour ago, bloomer said:

@mandyjw

I'm sick of getting into awkward interactions. Think it would help me be more comfortable around people and the potential to make friends. Also could be helpful to be good at small talk with girls.

How not to have awkward interactions is sort of like one of the most important things you learn in drivers ed when they teach you how to meet traffic. "Do not look at the oncoming cars, you will turn the wheel where you look, instead look at the road, keep your eyes on your lane." If you want to avoid awkward interactions so much that you're thinking about awkwardness all the time, that's what you get. 

What's kind of crushing and amazing to realize is that people really want you to enjoy yourself around them. That's why no one likes awkward interactions. The strange thing about this is you have to go straight to enjoying yourself... for yourself. When two people meet and the other is so concerned on what the other thinks no one enjoys the interaction, when what is mutually wanted is an enjoyable interaction. We put the responsibility on the other, and then ourselves to make the other enjoy us. In reality there's just enjoyment. Enjoyable interactions happen when people are already enjoying themselves. 

It can help to play around with the idea of awkwardness, and contemplate it. I adore the movie Napoleon Dynamite like so many other people because the entire thing is unapologetic, hilarious awkwardness. Awkwardness doesn't offend us at all, in other people. It's cute, and funny and honest when no one is embarrassed about it. It's the opposite of small talk and knowing what is "ok" to say and abiding by those arbitrary rules.

But we don't want to be awkward. So like the new driver's ed student not wanting to hit the oncoming car, they stare at it and drift into the other lane. Eventually you just look ahead naturally and you're aware of the cars passing but you do not focus on them anymore. 

When you think of yourself as awkward or hate yourself for something you said or did not say, that feels bad. That feeling is not judging that past event, it's actually responding to the thought about it now. When we continually think those thoughts we practice the anxiety that blocks us from really seeing people and connecting. Meditation helps us to catch those thoughts. Then we can laugh at ourselves like the scenario of a new driver staring at oncoming cars and going towards them or awkwardness in Napoleon Dynamite is funny. A good sense of humor is all about letting go of thought and the ownership behind the thoughts. Why do we love and enjoy a good sense of humor? it's the antidote to fake small talk and awkwardness. Everything you want is right here, in the letting go of thoughts that feel bad. In no longer believing the content of them. 

Just being aware and really seeing people is the first step to appreciating them. For most of life I didn't notice birds flying around. Then I started looking at the sky and trees a lot. Now I notice all kinds of birds everywhere, eagles, crows, owls, songbirds, etc. It's the same way with the appreciation of people and the enjoyment of them which is what we want from relationships. Just being openly aware without judgement, without thoughts judging ourselves, is what opens the space up for us to recognize the connections that we seek. They are already here, we're just covering over them, dismissing them, calling authenticity and openness awkwardness. What you seek is seeking you. ❤

 

[bloomer]

@Nahm

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

That’s the beauty of meditation. Those are thoughts, which can be let go. Thoughts seem true when we believe em. The ‘other route’ is meditation. Soon enough the thoughts aren’t believed, as there is just more ‘space’ around thoughts from meditation, and we see through them. We see that they are, just thoughts.  They aren’t true about you. 

The emotional scale is most helpful. For example, it is good to understand the emotion of jealousy, for a creator of reality. It lets you know what you want. Which helps you recognize discordant thoughts, about having it, and between the scale & meditation, those thoughts are let go / seen through, and thus your entire experience changes. 

Thank you. I think I've realized this before but you put it very succinctly. I'm going to start meditating again. 

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

So there isn’t a ‘how’ per se, there is just noticing this. 

That's a bit difficult to grasp but I think I understand what you're saying.

@mandyjw

30 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

How not to have awkward interactions is sort of like one of the most important things you learn in drivers ed when they teach you how to meet traffic. "Do not look at the oncoming cars, you will turn the wheel where you look, instead look at the road, keep your eyes on your lane." If you want to avoid awkward interactions so much that you're thinking about awkwardness all the time, that's what you get. 

Great analogy.

31 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

What's kind of crushing and amazing to realize is that people really want you to enjoy yourself around them. That's why no one likes awkward interactions. The strange thing about this is you have to go straight to enjoying yourself... for yourself. When two people meet and the other is so concerned on what the other thinks no one enjoys the interaction, when what is mutually wanted is an enjoyable interaction. We put the responsibility on the other, and then ourselves to make the other enjoy us. In reality there's just enjoyment. Enjoyable interactions happen when people are already enjoying themselves. 

That's fantastic. Kind of a "aha" moment to phrase it as enjoying yourself. That's my issue and why I don't like people ask me how I am. Because I'm not doing good and I'm not enjoying myself. I need to start enjoying myself more when around people. You phrasing it like that has been really helpful so thank you. 

32 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

I adore the movie Napoleon Dynamite like so many other people because the entire thing is unapologetic, hilarious awkwardness.

Yeah its a good movie. I get why you're bringing it up.

34 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

They are already here, we're just covering over them, dismissing them, calling authenticity and openness awkwardness. What you seek is seeking you. ❤

Thank you. That was beautifully worded and tremendously helpful. In the end you started saying the same thing as Nahm really about the power of meditation and noticing your thoughts. 

[ItsNick]

Yesterday I told an entire story about finding a wallet on the street while going for a walk and my journey to find its owner.

To me it was kinda boring but I tried to tell the story in such a way the people listening were interested in how it ended.

 

I try to go out every Thursday and socialize and I'm noticing just practicing small talk makes it easier

[Kalki Avatar]

You need to fill yourself of bullshit by being surrounded by ppl full of sht. Its the only way. Then you will naturally spill very useful bullshit like small talk.