Beyond approval dependence

[ZenRising]

Overcoming approval addiction

I’m new to the forum and starting a journal here to keep track of my journey. I’ve been looking at some definitions of self-actualisation…the one below works well for me

`Self-actualization is achieved when you're able to reach your full potential. Being truly self-actualized is considered the exception rather than the rule since most people are working to meet more pressing needs.`

So what are the blocks between me an my self-actualization? One of the biggest self-limiting issues in my life is, and has long been, my dependence on the approval and validation of others… so that’s what I’m primarily working on here…

I’ve really come to see approval seeking in my life as a kind of addiction, albeit one that is rooted in fear rather than toxic shame like other addictions (though those two things are intimately enmeshed). I’ve been in 12 Step recovery for many years, first in AA and more recently I’m also attending Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. 

I’ve found that self-esteem buiding programs tend to be good at teaching folks - myself included - to provide their own approval and validation… but they aren’t so good at providing the tools that might be considered slightly controversial.. like actively asserting yourself, setting strong boundaries and being willing to be disliked. When I was a bit younger I was into the whole PUA scene for a while… there’s a lot of misogynistic BS in that world, and it’s wildly reductive, but it did teach me that actively putting myself in situations I find scary and pushing my limits is, by far, the most impactful way to develop self-empowerment and freedom from self-doubt…

So here I am. I’m determined to start challenging myself each day and start moving forward again. I’ll be keeping track for my experiences here, as much for my own awareness as anything else. Thanks for reading!

All the best,

Lucas

[ZenRising]

So this guy's approach to conquering social fears/approval dependency really speaks to me. The social stunts he pulls are a bit silly and childish, I guess... they certainly steer away from anything that would bring real hard judgment as opposed to bemused uncertainty, but the basic principle is good. Put yourself in situations that are socially scary for you, embrace the experience of rejection in order to kill your fear of it...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-vZXgApsPCQ

[ZenRising]

I've set myself the simple target to start approaching women again... it's been a long time and I am way out of practice...A few years back I was totally brazen, but a few years in the 'safety' of a relationship and that brazenness has ebbed away.. I know I need to act in order to recover it and regain my internal power... hmmmm.... just start!

[ZenRising]

well, I got past the first hurdle in what will be a long and challenging, but equally rewarding, journey. Today I 'cold approached' a woman in a cafe. It was the first time I've approached a women in 7 years! It wasn't a disaster, thanfully, but no big shakes either... a bit of chit chat and then I said a polite 'nice to meet you' and went on my way... It's deeply satisfying to have taken that first tiny step though

[ZenRising]

I've been in 12 -step recovery for some years, and I'm really aware of how fear of dissaproval is really about childhood trauma.... .. I'm copying the 'laundry list' from Adult Children of Alcoholics below, which is like the '20 questions - am I an alcoholic?' thing you might get for AA:

The Laundry List – 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic

1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
2. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
3. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
4. We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
7. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
8. We became addicted to excitement.
9. We confuse love and pity and tend to “love” people we can “pity” and “rescue.”
10. We have “stuffed” our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
13. Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
14. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.

I have to admit I see myself in a LOT of these... As I'm digging more into my approval addiction/dependency, I'm seeing how much it can permeate every bit of life... Even today, when sending some work emails to request information and updates on projects, I caught the voice inside myself saying 'don't ask for too much, or you'll annoy them and they won't like you'... The wounds that underpin this stuff are deep... at least I seem to be breaking through some of the behaviors and not allowing myself to be dictated to by that voice, however...

Lucas

[ZenRising]

On a more upbeat note, today I took another little step forwrd by approaching a woman in a cafe... again, it was just some polit chit chat, and again I was nervous before starting the conversation, but my nerves were less than yesteryday... progress, slow but sure..

[ZenRising]

Howdy peeps,

No big updates today, but I want to make a point of updating my journal regularly even if there isn't anything major to report. Today was bedlam with work stuff, so basically I got up at 6am, worked our and then worked flat out all day... so there hasn't been much opportunity for getting out of my comfort zone in social terms...

I've also been reflecting on the factors that instilled the 'need' for approval.. or rather the fear of disapproval in me as a child. I had a carer, C, who abused me for several formative years, from about 4 to about 7..... there were also several bullies I had to contend with in school as a child, 'D', 'AA', and 'PL'... I see now that when I confront my fear of rejection or disapproval by putting myself 'in the firing line' of rejection, I am actually confronting the old scripts that were placed into my by these people... in a way, I am actually confronting and overcoming my childhood bullies...

 

 

[ZenRising]

Another busy day for me today... no new actions taken in terms of challenging myself emotionally, but I'm posting anyway as committed to posting every day...

I woke up a little late and missed my morning workout, which I don't like - I find it's essential to start the day right by getting up early and making sure to get meditation and exercise in before the working days begins... so will make a point of doing so tomorrow...

A job for one of my clients took a lot longer than expected as well... hmm... something was in the air today... it wasn't a bad day especially, but was distinctly 'meh'... tomorrow I'm gonna be up at 5.30 and attack the day head on...

Lucas

[ZenRising]

Had a good day today.... up at 5.30 as planned, morning meditation and a good workout...

I spent most of the day working in a cafe. Got talking to a cute girl, which was fun, but she was too young for me... I've passed the big 4-0 and really not interested in anyone under 30... that said, after the fact it made me think about my self-limiting beliefs... this is definitely something I have to explore further... i realised that the voice of 'I'm too old' is loud in my mind as I reenter the dating game... it's true that I don't really see much potential for anything meaningful with a women under 30, and I'm not interested in casual sex at this stage in my life... but that doesn't mean that doesn't mean I can't have fun flirting with younger women, and it certainly doesn't seem to mean that younger women won't be interested in me... 

Hmmm... something for me to explore and excavate more so as to uncover self-limiting beliefs that may be working in my consciousness... more often than not, they turn out to be inaccurate...

Lucas

[ZenRising]

Another good day yesterday...  made an approach in local bar where I was meeting a friend... it happened pretty spontaneously, which. was nice... it's funny how easy it is to let fear push me into overthinking things, and then I get stuck.... when I'm in the flow of feeling social, rejection anxieties are almost nonexistent..

That isn't something I seem to be able. to just switch on and off just yet though...

Much more work to be done..

[ZenRising]

Well, it is a pretty nasty day today here in Paris. It's been freezing cold and raining all morning... I had planned to go out and try to make one or two approaches in the street, but this weather obviously complicates things... I'll wait a few hours and then head out to a large cafe I know on the other side of town - hopefully there will be some possibilities there...

More to follow...

 

[ZenRising]

So yesterday I went to a local political meeting here in Paris, and took the podium to say a few words. My french isn't that good yet, so it was a real challenge for me to speak in public to a big crowd... it's fascinating to me to see how the physiology of fear works - my heart was pounding and I started to sweat, but after a couple of minutes I got into the swing of it... Normally, public speaking doesn't bother me that much... I had a real phobia about it when I was younger, but a few years of Toastmasters sorted that out... the fact of speaking in french to a French audience scared the crap out of me though... the important thing, of course, is that I did it..

I'm still having to really push myself to approach women, though I've made a few approaches now and I think the anxiety is starting to lessen... I still have a very long way to go to really master the fears in this area... I'm going to try a little daygame this week to conquer, or at least start to conquer, tos anxieties...