I did my first cold approach and it traumatised me

[thenondualtankie]

Most people talk about how it took them hours of walking around to finally gather the courage to approach one girl. For me it didn't take that long. I just saw the chick and went in.

I said hey, called her pretty and then I made a god-awful attempt at making conversation. Literally all my awareness was sucked up into my head. I acted like anything she told me was the most amazing thing I had ever heard. "Wowww!!". She told me she'd been dancing since she was 2, so I immediately jumped to the conclusion that "oh, you must be one of those really good dancers then!!". Even if this were true, I feel like it's just a cringey thing to tell someone. I wish I could have said something like "yeah we're gonna be dancing a lot so that's perfect." She eventually managed to slide in that she's got a boyfriend, so I said have a good evening and left. 

I didn't realise how I was acting until after the interaction. By after I literally mean seconds after the interaction had ended. I felt this wave of embarrassment and shame which lasted for hours. It made me realise how emotionally painful this is going to be. After a while, I actually felt some relief that I was able to let these emotions come out.

This relief was short lived though, and now I feel the lingering embarrassment of that interaction, which was a few days ago. I haven't been able to do a second approach, and I feel like until I do, the embarrassment is gonna keep on lingerin'. 

[Leo Gura]

Of course your first approaches will be awful.

Dude, the embarrassment is all in your head. She forgot about you 60 seconds after you left and on one else knows. She will never think of you again.

Quote

"I wish I could have said something like "yeah we're gonna be dancing a lot so that's perfect."

This line/frame is too needy and clingy.

A better frame would be: "Good, you can dance for me."

Or if this was a nighttime conversation you could make it more sexual and flirty by saying something like: "I hope at least 1 of those years they taught you how to give a good lap dance ;)"

And rather then telling her she must be really good, you flip it around and say, "You must really suck then".

Just think of communicating with girls as opposite-land. Everything is the opposite of what it seems. Often times saying the opposite of your gut instinct is the best move.

If she tells you she's a dancer, take the opportunity to misinterpret that she is a stripper and tease her on it.

And when she says, "I'm not a stripper!" you could tell her something like, "I will teach you and then your dancing will pay for our mortgage ;)"

You have to learn to flirt.

- - - - -

But don't worry about it. For a first approach you did fine. Learning to flirt will take 1000s of approaches.

[Federico del pueblo]

Doesn't sound like you're traumatized. Just keep going

[Shin]

First approach I thought I was gonna die of terror too, everybody does

You're doing good

[ZenRising]

3 hours ago, thenondualtankie said:

Most people talk about how it took them hours of walking around to finally gather the courage to approach one girl. For me it didn't take that long. I just saw the chick and went in.

 

Well done my friend! I'm just starting to get back out there after a long absence (long-term) relationships... first approaches are hard... but getting them done and conquering the fear is the thing... As Samuel Bekett famously said 'Try again. Fail again. Fail better.'

[Johnny Brake]

I think you did everything right THB, cold approach does sting from time to time. 

[Enlightenment]

6 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

If she tells you she's a dancer, take the opportunity to misinterpret that she is a stripper and tease her on it.

And when she says, "I'm not a stripper!

Edited November 17, 2021 by Enlightenment

[Javfly33]

It depends entirely on you how much approaches will it take you to stop feeling embarrasament and "cringy". As Leo said, it´s all in your head.

 

Edited November 17, 2021 by Javfly33

[yolosmoothie]

Yeah that's how it goes when you starts ? Good job for taking courageous action Reminds me of my first approaches. My mind would go blank as if I forgot all my conversation skills. My body would tense up and my heart contract. My legs, hands and voice felt shaky. Fight, freeze, flight response. My unconscious programs started becoming more salient. Programs like 'I'm not safe' and 'I'm unworthy'. By approaching a lot my social confidence (especially with women) increased significantly, but I still often feel insecure and socially anxious. I don't think approaching alone will be enough to heal insecurity and social anxiety, as long as there are unconscious deficiency stories believed and unhealed emotional pain stuck in the body. But, talking with attractive girls, will definitely shine a light on your unhealed parts, which gives you the opportunity to work with it. 

Edited November 18, 2021 by yolosmoothie

[Emotionalmosquito]

@Enlightenment Lol! Cassady Campbell is one of my biggest inspirations.