I don't seem to have enough motivation to work...

[Artur]

Hello.

 So I have this interesting issue that seems to be in some way affecting my psyche for my whole 30 year long life. And I seem to be pinpointing it as my relationship to the process of work/labour. 

 I was curious about self development and spirituality since I was 14 years old. Since then I would in some way spend 0.5 to 3 hours every other day consuming this form of information. I watched Leo since the channel was started. I think I saw like 85% of all the content.  But I seemed to have a childlike approach to all of this information. I would gather knowledge, try it out to the extent that I found I can, which was not the Leo like hardcore discipline focused stance. As a result of such approach I ended up being very knowledgeable about many different processes that  didn't require me to interact with the world too much. I was a massive introvert and befriending a smart talking head on youtube had been 80% of social interaction I felt I require. But I always interpreted it more in a sense that the people that I am surrounded by are not people I want to be around.  So I hid away as much as I could. 

 My mother was harsh with her opinions and I haven't felt this motherly care much through out my childhood. She would hit me pretty hard when I wouldn't listen. Somehow that helped me to become someone who doesn't trust anyone but oneself for up until recent times, except now I'm conscious of the issue. But I did find places, like yoga ashram, where it is safe to be myself, but I still find that I'm pretty low in agreeableness. I can be a very good listener, but it kind of happens that listening is the main thing I am good at when trying to form a social interaction... as you might guess small talk is a challenge often beyond me. For now, of course.  

 My father, at the time, was a very agreeable person. Always very social. But I feel he didn't have the experience, nor  the competence to introduce manhood to me. Since high agreeableness and manhood don't really mix well. So, subconsciously, I was blaming him for not being a strong father figure for me. 

 I don't blame him anymore what so ever. Today the relationship with my parents is mended to a point it has never been before. But that was an action that on my part finally been provoked by my relationship and my life in general completely falling apart. 

 I had a relationship with a woman 4 years older than me. We were, as I would now categorise, in a deeply interdependent relationship. Over the course of 5 years I tried to break up with her 6 times. And every time something would drastically change in me  and in her and we would come around to try again. this on/off dynamic lasted for the whole duration of the relationship and was sinking us both deeper and deeper into attachment to each other. It resulted in an unplanned/unwanted child (I didn't want it),  an unwanted marriage (Didn't think we were ready, but at some point made myself believe that if married things will be better. The got much worse), psychological health issues (on my side as well). I can't comment for my ex wife, I allow myself to not judge her behaviour anymore as this causes very unwanted negative thought and emotion patterns in me and doesn't seem to solve anything by the end of the day. I simply often feel  to be lucky to be out of that horrible place. 

 So now, for 1 year I am living in my parents house. For about 9 months I have been in such a horrible state that I felt to be truly blessed to have such a wonderful place to find support in. I was expressing truly demonic, serial killer like qualities in thought. When this started to touch the realm of the material world in a form of planned action it scared me to a level I could not express in words. To death actually  I contemplated suicide 2 times over the course of the divorce, because just the quality of the thoughts would sort of signal me that its best to kill this thing before it sees the world. Today I'm happy to say I feel on and off about 60-80% back to the Pre relationship state. I have ideas, interests, goals, I enjoy working on myself and etc. 

 So I felt it was necessary to present such in-depth expression of key parts of my identity.  Of course it could be much more, but for the sake of this problem this should be enough. 

 I find that I am very good at developing almost everything in myself. But I seem to have a much deeply rooted issue with the simplest part of life.  Just going to work. I used to be forced by my mother into a a career I hated. An officer of navigational watch. I suffered horribly through my study years and 1.5 years at sea. It was horrible. Like being in jail. I think I could count on my fingers the amount of days that I hadn't in someway failed or disappointed my colleagues through out the course of 5.5 years of this direction. I had such deep rooted fear of disappointing my mother and amounting to nothing that I suffered through it all and when I finally couldn't take it there was my ex wife giving me the love and care I needed. I left the sea without finishing the contract and got to living with her. This was the only way I now see was possible for me to leave this horrid life. afterwards I did got my bachelors diploma though.

 Afterwards I aimed to become a sound engineer. There was no possibility to study, since I got somewhat rooted in a small village living with this girl. I ended up ambitiously and hungrily going after what I would seem to like to some level. It was Live sound engineering. But instead of actually studying and moving forward in a harmonious way (same as with watching Leo) I would just put myself into situations I was not ready for at all. And in that I suffered physical and psychological pain. Somehow I pushed through 4 years of this, being completely under everyone who would wish to just throw on me all the shit work there was to do. People would push me, scream at me, make me feel like and idiot whenever I made a mistake and would just ignore any success I would have. I guess I gave of such a vibe though. I had no strong opinion about anything except my own, self-entitled, knowledgeability about life and development that I grew gathering all this spiritual and self-development information and really not being capable of putting to practice 90% of it.  

 Now recently I just pushed everyone I didn't want in my life out of it. My, now, ex-wife,  her friends, my co-workers. I set up my value and moved on to use my 4 year experience to try and earn something worth having. But instead I found that I am, even though experienced enough to accomplish a project, am not really needed anywhere much to make a full time work out of this endeavour, except during the season packed with live events. I live in a small city, so there is not a lot of work as is, but CORONA really hurt the business and I am out of money. I barely have enough to pay child alimony and pay for the car that I absolutely NEED. Beforehand I had a lot of anger and not enough energy to deal with anything properly. But today I'm starting to see much improvement and, yet, find I don't know how to be financially stable in the world. I tried working in a factory, but I felt if I don't know where I'm going with this I wont make it.  It resulted in a harsh psychological breakdown. Now I started life purpose course and got to life purpose assesment 3.  but despite anything... The ideas I have about the GREATEST THING that I could do, they constantly shift while I'm going through the course. First I have this crazy idea about merging my talents to create and event. It sounds great while I'm making it, but when I have it in my head visualised enough suddenly something else starts to look more interesting. Like HAH... if that is so much work maybe Id rather be a musician then. But then I need to practice and be patient. I have some talent, maybe thats enough. And I end up half-assing things and failing. Hah maybe I can just do energy practices or breathwork sessions for people. I'm very sensitive and feel energies and stuff really well adn absolutely love sharing spiritual insights about stuff. Would be a pro in it. But then I have to make money to go through a course. The investment hardships come up, how I failed like a 1000 times throughout the relationship to invest even a small amount into courses or things I like to grow me. Huge resentment appears in the way about how poor I am now and I end up kind of drifting away from that idea as well.  Its like getting shit done is one thing I have this huge block in my psyche about, maybe because I'm scared of the responsibility for a shit choice. And for a good reason. I made many choices and stuck to them in my life. And boy... I had the knowledge, but I had no energy to back that knowledge with and fucked up, I think, every part of my life I swore to myself to succeed in. Its hard to figure out how to start again... I wish I had actual friends like people here, who are doing self-development, spirituality and are actually good at it. So I wouldn't have to be so fucking alone all the time and have an actually deep, authentic, genuine connection with wonderful, brave, purpose driven people... Pay for a a coach they say sometimes. Yea... right after I earn my first million. sure...

 This ended up being a bit of a confession... It will touch the right people I hope. Just write if something comes up. I'm sure it will help me to connect to some answer within myself to a question that is hidden somewhere in all of this. 

Edited November 17, 2021 by Artur

[Artur]

That seems true. Asking too much of myself must have been a big part of the main issue. At the same time, though, I did experience this deep kind of emptiness when I did focus on simple things. Like when I was taking care of my financial independence by working at a factory. Of course a lot was going on. The divorce was disrupting my psychological and emotional wellbeing. I worked for 4 months there, but it felt that if my job is not something that makes me one bit hopeful and exited about my life then I seemed to have nothing to get energy from to sort of fill me up, while so many things seemed to have been just sucking me dry. I kept failing constantly at the simplest tasks when I felt this loss of energy. It resulted in these self diminishing thoughts, loss of focus. I would make mistakes and of course that would piss people off, so they would get angry and push me harder and that eventually combined with all the other pressure, pushed me to breaking point. I tried fixing my food, it was not enough, it added like 3 hours of aliveness to my day of which prepping and planning would consume 1.5 hours daily.  I tried adding workout to that, it actually required energy to do and there was just none of it to invest into this habit. I remember how I would try to do push ups and my body would just fill up with this feeling of weakness and I just couldn't do it. Nothing really worked. 

I ended up deciding that I will only go after the things that I truly want. I had to feel that it was only my choice. No one is deciding this for me. Not other people, not the circumstances of the world, not my fears or doubts. Just kept working on life purpose and tried to see if there is anything worth doing in my life. 

Recently I felt that being separated from my culture had a bigger impact on me than I was aware. I was born in Lithuania, in a Russian family. I feel that I am Russian, but because I had this huge resentment towards my parents, I ended up rejecting my roots and something in my soul just felt horribly lonely. I used to say that I am an alien, that's why nobody really understands me. This is an interesting insight. I visited the church of my families religion yesterday. Something touched me so deeply. I sat intensely sobbing for a good hour and felt this presence  with me, didn't feel lonely. I never considered my self specifically religious and that didn't change. Just all the spiritual knowledge opened itself to me much deeper and apparently that is possible through the religion that is connected to my culture. This is a wonderful discovery. I feel so much better today. 

I will take your advice and focus mainly on financial independence. I feel it will go well this time. 

Thank you for your reply.  @blueberries

Edited November 18, 2021 by Artur

[Armand]

Try dedicating your time and energy into things you like and are good at. Try to dive into things you're passionate about that might be profitable. Get off your bum and do more so you feel accomplished with yourself instead of wallowing in self pity! 

[Artur]

Fort both replies I would like to clarify that I invested 4 years of work into becoming a life sound engineering specialist. I work at a company that pays very generously for my work. The reason I don't have money right now is because of the pandemic. The limitations on live events really decreased the amount of work that I expected to have at this time. Because of this kind of situation I can't seem to harmoniously dedicate a big chunk of time to start changing my direction. There is still supposed to be some work during December it seems. Maybe after that month I can at least pay out all debts I have. But up until the end of this year I'm kind of stuck having little money and lots of free time to figure my self out. 

@Armand Your suggestion pretty much sums up the position of 80% of people I, had to, politely or otherwise, ask out of my life. The reason being - lack of understanding towards my actual situation and, yet, having judgment to be the predominant expressive quality in their interaction.

[Raptorsin7]

Highly recommend this speaker. If you go through his videos, I believe he has all the answers you are looking for.

 

[Armand]

4 hours ago, Artur said:

 

@Armand Your suggestion pretty much sums up the position of 80% of people I, had to, politely or otherwise, ask out of my life. The reason being - lack of understanding towards my actual situation and, yet, having judgment to be the predominant expressive quality in their interaction.

It was said with loving intent behind it. What I suggested is since you have free time, find your zest for life and persue that more. That is all. She used Leo's story of being successful in gaming and how becoming a Youtube spiritual teacher was better suited for his spiritual journey.

As far as the harshness, it seems you lack disipline even though you do have a child, and seem rather content despite the negative spiraling thoughts.. with not doing anything which only hinders yourself from becoming a sucess.