Spontaneity/Connection issue continues

[ValiantSalvatore]

Hey there

I just don't really know what to do at this point with the connection issue. The girl I dated now said something similar along the lines of spontaneity and connection is an issue and she had an issue with optimization oriented logic. Which at one point is sheer self-actualization. In my generation sort of all across and still in Gen-Z there generally is a meaning crises we talked written about how that was an issue. As well as she felt that she can't provide honesty and transparency which I find abit odd. As we played this cube game I am very good almost a master already at disambiguating power dynamics as I know how to thanks to Wilber courses and zazen, open monitoring oriented meditations for years now. As well as how we can combine as well as stage theory helped me a lot, yet green is very phony when it regresses back to amber. 

Yet, I find I have this issue currently with having neglected stage orange aspects of myself and it's important to nuture that drive. I don't know if she is Gen-Z or Gen-Y till now I don't have much success with Gen-Y and I generally feel more like Gen-Z with performance oriented stage orange expressions instead of Gen-Y who sees more of the success part. 

Anyway, she gave me the feedback she is not into optimization logic, okay uses an app that profits of that sure, okay all good. She tells me she is more spontaneous and does not think to much about it. I agree also that I can become very stiff in social situations because of past experiences and constant bias with racism. My nervous system is very sensitive and I am just unsure what to trust. I don't know if any women reads this it's similar to having a gut response when I feel a certain sense I know most likely what will happen or what kind of emotion is in the whole room.

I often feel when I truely would connect I would feel more like her lapdog for instance and get friendzoned and I can't yet seem to strike a balance. I am usually very spontaneous, yet my psychlogist, my last 3 dates. All women tell me that this structure oriented thinking is horrible, the point is it's inevitable. I function better in society it makes me more happy I generally still am very spontaneous and flexible. I just don't bend over backwards as well as I would make time for her I find it weird that I get this feedback as I am the guy who in my friendgroup who usually travelled and visited different places the most am spontaneous as fuck I change direction almost instantly and just explore an area. If I would not have this issue with my leg I would do some free running kind of stuff, it's difficult to nuture my value of playfulness and spontaneity because of my issue with my leg. So, this would be more present as I don't fully feel it currently thanks to the issue of my leg also and this might be a lifetime of an issue. I used to do sprints and just run wild etc.

Any feedback to the issue with my dates and them saying I lack spontaneity and flexibillity? Is this more a social thing as I made her laugh and we had fun or is it more emotional or even already at a beign level? What can I do to work on it I attempted as well as possible to connect to her emotions, THEN SHE SHOWS ME DEPTH often I connect instantly then she is gone, gone, gone. I instantly sense depth. I could just hug her and enjoy beign with her she kept biting her lip during the conversation. 

It was very similar as to with the first girl I dated, yet she had more empathy for negative things. Depth there we are not physical next to each other I can't escalte/show what I feel I might be better of to initiate a meeting in person if I already like her instead of via zoom etc. We could just walk in a park etc. or go for coffee as I like those activities. 

Any idea as to what the issue is? Is it me? Is it projection? Is it her? Is it both? Is it beign related as she was into Yoga? Was I to serious and not casual? I sometimes have so much fun I forget to ask what she wants in a relationship.

[Salvijus]

The cause of all conflicts is always the same, it's ego. Just work on that one thing and gradually your relationships will improve with all people not just woman.

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Edited November 16, 2021 by Salvijus

[Salvijus]

The only way to be spontanuous and authentic is to be one with dao. The more you grow in conciousness, the more authentic and spontanious and true and natural and honest you will become. They all go together. Spontaneity is not a mental attitude. The level of spontaneity you have is equivalent to your development in conciousness.

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Edited November 16, 2021 by Salvijus

[ValiantSalvatore]

@Salvijus Thanks for the uplifting words! I currently do a metta/loving-kidness oriented meditation for 30 min since this is the most practical approach for my goals and I attend 8-10 retreat days I won't make it 14 unfortunately. I usually did 1h sessions,

I'd rather would have done some of that Yoga with her because it was physically oriented and I could train my body for flexibillity and get a feel for that stuff and I can't do it yet if she is not willing.

I listen to some Deida in the Gym I can't believe this stuff. I just like improvement and survival I am not willing to live like a monk as I do have material desire even if they are rather small. Even eating proper food etc. It's okay for now I just really looking for feedback here. 

 

Edited November 16, 2021 by ValiantSalvatore

[Salvijus]

@ValiantSalvatore ?

I feel you'll be fine. Improvement takes time, you'll get there eventually ?

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