What do you think you need?

[Cathal]

I'm just wondering, what do you think would save you? I mean, what do you need right now that would actually help you and work for you?

[Terell Kirby]

Self compassion .. working on it day by day.

[unborn_chicken]

Being capable of love and feeling love.

I doubt I'm capable of it.

Things probably don't end well for people like me, but we'll see.....

[Cathal]

@unborn_chicken have you done psychedelics before?

[Cathal]

@Terell Kirby yeah me too

how do you feel on a daily basis in which you are trying to develop self-compassion?

[unborn_chicken]

25 minutes ago, catcat69123 said:

@unborn_chicken have you done psychedelics before?

@catcat69123 Only LSD a couple of times

[Loba]

That's a really good question; but I don't know.
Wait... my health back.

[Cathal]

@unborn_chicken i think you should reconsider tripping a few times, maybe with mushrooms if acid isn't doing it for you. you will look at what you wrote and laugh for sure

[PurpleTree]

getting better/healthier, less fatigue

less rumination etc.

more loving relationships

more sex

less stress

more creative output

more money

[Preety_India]

More money

More time 

Better health 

Less stress 

All problems magically solved 

Huge self confidence

 

[Breakingthewall]

stop hating my father to death, who also died, so I can't even tell him anything. but I hate him, and that hatred gives my life an aggressive, fighting flavor, and sometimes very sad desire of disappearing . when he died his last words to me were "to see if you are more of a man" (I was a teen) and when I breathed for the last time and I saw the terror in his eyes I had to pretend that he was crying because he was giving me a fit of laughter. when I stopped breathing I had a vision: I saw him naked, floating in a black void, writhing spasmodically and emitting guttural sounds. This caused me more fits of laughter. my hatred is burning, acid. I hate torturing with red-hot irons over and over again. He wasn't a demon either, just a normal narcissistic vampire of self-esteem, maybe of a high level, but there are worse ones I suppose. made me despise myself, and above all, my mother, who died 3 years before him. I can't stop hating him, only meditation helps me. If I don't meditate for two hours a day, hate eats me.

I think: I have to live to be 100, I can't give that son of a bitch the satisfaction of dying young. He is my enemy, the one who wants me to suffer and rot in life. I imagine on my deathbed having hateful ideas .... I think about it every day, so he has won for now. to win would be to remove it from my mind 

Pd: i know that my father is my master. To love him is the goal. Seems impossible, but must be done. I feel shame to explain this, i feel like a secret between my father and me, but as i want to stop those feeling, i did

Pd: i wrote this and for first time i think: maybe my father gave me just that i needed. Really I'd like a happier life, full of love, acceptance. But life is not what we want. He gave me some tons of shit and depression to overcome

 

Edited November 17, 2021 by Breakingthewall

[Cathal]

@Breakingthewall you ever talk to a therapist? i like how you wrote this 'i know that my father is my master. To love him is the goal.' because i feel exactly the same way and i see him as a blessing now, it's crazy. he was the typical narcissist who physically hurt me and abused the shit out of emotionally for most of my life. 

for me it was, constantly going into states of consciousness where i could experience unconditional love via psychedelics and returning back to the conditional. over and over, i saw how much we all suffer and contemplate for hundreds of hours about my family. but the fully true realization of what your father done to you is a reflection of the pain he carries but it has to come from developing so much understanding that you will see this hatred, the blame, the pleasure of blame, the pleasure of being a victim, why hate is useful for protecting you, but ultimately the futility in hate and the all these kinds of things that make you see your father is just like you, a piece of god trying its best to survive.. damn there's so much to go into. but yeah,

i don't think you should try to love him. that is a trap, you just need to see this hatred is a brick in your wall, because it's always you here. you created it all, you are creating it all yourself, all your suffering is your responsability. when time comes for truly forgiving yourself you will see you will forgive your father because you are as much as him as he was. he is inside of you, hating him is hating yourself, running away is running away from yourself, 

idk a mixture of therapy (with a good therapist), psychedelics, contemplation and cognitive empathy, visualization, doing activities things like imagining you raising you father as a child, holding hands, being intimate and loving. all the things that surface turmoil emotion and to allow yourself to feel and let it go and so on

[Cathal]

@myself

an environment where like minded people who want to evolve as hard as possible and to live this lifetime as fully as we can

a fuken cult i guess

[Hugo Oliveira]

21 hours ago, catcat69123 said:

@myself

an environment where like minded people who want to evolve as hard as possible and to live this lifetime as fully as we can

a fuken cult i guess

That's a great one! 

[Hugo Oliveira]

I would love to connect easier and deeper with things and people. I do a lot of things and meet a lot of people. But even with my friends, many times I feel empity and distant.

[Cathal]

@Hugo Oliveira that is a massive opportunity when you can see what the emptiness and discontent is with friends is reflecting about what you are saying and behaving in public, and why. maybe you are in your head when you are socializing, maybe feeling unable to express true you. very important to explore ruthlessly as to why

 

[Cathal]

i think people shut the heart off in fear of not being accepted, loved, rejected etc - the conditioning takes over an you resort to the head (what should i say, and not say), but inevitably you suffer immensly from being conditionally accepted, loved etc because you always whether it's on the surface or heavily repressed are insecure as fuck. and this is a widespread disease, so the do urself a favour and cure it by working on being authentic

[Breakingthewall]

On 17/11/2021 at 10:48 PM, catcat69123 said:

@Breakingthewall you ever talk to a therapist? i like how you wrote this 'i know that my father is my master. To love him is the goal.' because i feel exactly the same way and i see him as a blessing now, it's crazy. he was the typical narcissist who physically hurt me and abused the shit out of emotionally for most of my life. 

for me it was, constantly going into states of consciousness where i could experience unconditional love via psychedelics and returning back to the conditional. over and over, i saw how much we all suffer and contemplate for hundreds of hours about my family. but the fully true realization of what your father done to you is a reflection of the pain he carries but it has to come from developing so much understanding that you will see this hatred, the blame, the pleasure of blame, the pleasure of being a victim, why hate is useful for protecting you, but ultimately the futility in hate and the all these kinds of things that make you see your father is just like you, a piece of god trying its best to survive.. damn there's so much to go into. but yeah,

i don't think you should try to love him. that is a trap, you just need to see this hatred is a brick in your wall, because it's always you here. you created it all, you are creating it all yourself, all your suffering is your responsability. when time comes for truly forgiving yourself you will see you will forgive your father because you are as much as him as he was. he is inside of you, hating him is hating yourself, running away is running away from yourself, 

idk a mixture of therapy (with a good therapist), psychedelics, contemplation and cognitive empathy, visualization, doing activities things like imagining you raising you father as a child, holding hands, being intimate and loving. all the things that surface turmoil emotion and to allow yourself to feel and let it go and so on

I wrote that and the pomp exploded. I'm free of that madness. It is not in me anymore. bitterness for the past is just a fantasy, something the ego grabs onto to exist. of course I love my father. he was a poor idiot and nothing more. that's life, a theater, fascinating, strange, fun. several days have passed since I wrote that and I am still 100% free. There is only now, only celebration of existing